Friday, December 31, 2004

...and a Happy New Year

It's the end of another year. For me this year has been terrible and wonderful, full of growth and introspection. I feel aged after this one, that is for certain. It was the year I turned 30, but that is not what aged me. I lost my ideal and found it all at once. I hurt at the hands of the person I love the most and then had to come to realize that I had a role in my own pain after all. I set myself aside and found that in doing so, that was where my fulfillment had to ultimately come from. I proved to myself that I was stronger than I thought, a better person than I had been previously and that in spite of a shattered spirit, broken heart, and disturbed mind, I could, if necessary, put one foot in front of the other and proceed forward. I learned how to swallow great mouthfuls of pain because what I really wanted was to move past it. I learned that in moving past it, there comes healing in smaller bite sized chunks. I learned to fight for what was most important and to leave the lesser battles alone when at all possible. I learned to take risks when the rewards mean enough. I learned that the odds aren't always stacked against me and even when they are, sometimes I can still beat them, but for the grace of God. I learned that I have all I need and that is all that matters. I learned a lot in 2004.

I face forward into 2005 and pray for less tumult, for peace in our home, for joy in our hearts. I pray for health for my family, for patience to surpass my frustrations, for the desire to search out the beauty in the midst of chaos. I pray for contentment without complacency, for wisdom without conceit. I pray that I will learn just as much this coming year as I did last year, but please God, without the agony, if at all possible. I pray that I never forget the hard learned lessons of the past and that I never take for granted the ones I hold dear.

Happy New Year.


Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Oh, my aching EVERYTHING

I don't sleep. I am never comfortable. I feel like I will split in two. I ache in places I didn't know COULD ache. I am SO, SO, SO ready for it to be February. Can't I just go to sleep for 6-8 weeks? Please? 'Cesca has turned herself into a more sensible position for delivery, so that is good news. She feels enormous in there already, I can't imagine how I can possibly get any bigger but I imagine I will surprise myself. I'm TRYING to be a good human being and every time I don't feel well (always), think about all of the hundreds of thousands of people that are suffering an unspeakable tragedy due to the tsunamis this week. I simply can't imagine the horror. God help all of those affected. What a horrific story and what a horrible way to finally be convinced you need some type of warning system.

On a related note, I was furious when I read this quote from a lawyer representing the family of a little girl that went blind due to an allergic reaction to Children's Motrin, "This is the equivalent of a medical tsunami -- there was no warning put out whatsoever on this apparently benign, over-the-counter medicine," Sabrina Brierton Johnson's attorney Browne Green said.

The tactless insensitivity of this remark stunned me. Um, Browne Green (what a name btw), you soundbyte whore - how can you compare the unfortunate blindness of your client to a VERY RECENT event that has now killed over 80,000 people?????? Bet the families affected by the tsunamis only wished their relatives had been blinded instead of having suffered a tragic death. The way some people attempt to capitalize on tragedy is appalling. Good grief! Now I think I need some Motrin myself....

OK, I'm done.


Sunday, December 26, 2004

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...

Last night, Christmas Eve 2004, we did the standard stuff. Each year the kids and I log on to NORAD's Santa tracking site to see where in the world Santa is delivering his toys. We set out the cookies that we make for Santa and we read the Christmas story from Luke chapter 2. Jake was more restless and excited this year than I've ever seen him. Wonder how much more time we have before he learns the sad truth about Santa. I don't care what anybody says, I'm 30 years old, and it's still more fun to believe in Santa - so I just will... in some form.

Then I send the kiddos off to bed, then the night gets very hectic, wrapping presents, stuffing stockings, eating cookies, etc. I got to bed around 1 a.m. Bart had to work last night which stinks for him, but at least it marked the end of this stint on 3rd shift.

The morning started early, 7 a.m., and the kids ran down the stairs, tore into their stockings, tore into the presents, and by 8 a.m. it was time to start cleaning up the aftermath which took a lot more effort than getting it all set up in the first place. By 9:30 a.m. the kids were both gone to their dad's. That's always the hard part.

I came home, napped, tried to nurse Bart the best I could (he's got the cold I had last week, I'm afraid). All in all, it was a nice day - we had Burger King for lunch, Pizza for dinner. We sat around lazily all day watching movies on TV. We watched The Jackal, Unforgiven, and Frequency. We watched Francesca putting on her own show in my belly. She's such a wiggle-butt.

Well, that was the day in a nutshell. Merry Christmas 2004 and to all a very, very good night,


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Return of the Blah...

The second trimester was pretty nice... Now I'm in # 3 and I'm afraid the Blah has returned. The past 2 mornings I have been waking up feeling weak and shaky and have to lay/sit down a whole lot. I'm hoping it's just a passing thing... I have too much to get done before Christmas, before Francesca.

Speaking of Francesca - I found her a $600 crib and a $100 crib mattress that were new in April '04 for a grand total of $150 including delivery to the house! This couple had their baby in April and have had the crib in their room but then decided on co-sleeping instead and the crib is in the way. So, it's essentially brand new. I looked up the crib on some retail sites (you can only get this crib at specialty stores) and sure enough it ranges from $589-629 retail.

So, Francesca will be sleeping in style. I'm so excited!! Plus, my mom is sending us $100 of that $150 as a present for little baby 'Cesca. So... yeah!!

Well, I'm going to get some water now and try not to pass out.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Humbug and other Grinchy thoughts

I think it is safe to say that I am not much in the holiday mood this year. I feel skittish about spending money this year with Baby Francesca's debut right around the corner. I also don't feel like shopping. I just feel like finding a position in which I can be comfortable - I just want a full night's sleep (no comment needed - I know what I'm in store for, I've done this twice before) - I just want Christmas to be over. Sigh. So, bah. Bah Humbug. Double bah.

Other than that, what can I say.... I got the results for my labwork and my blood sugar is good, I'm anemic, and my other test was negative. Which is very, very good.

Umm... I'm blank now. Nothing more to write about at this time.


Thursday, December 09, 2004


I ceased to be ME in your eyes but I am still here. Still hidden behind the inflated womb, the engorged breasts, and the maternal stores of fat. Still me. Still the one that longed for your touch and fed off of your affection. Still the one that needed it more than air. I am cheated of this because I don't look like the ME that you longed to touch, the ME that you drooled over, because I'm carrying this particular cargo. And I try to understand, I try to be tough skinned and hardened but... I am still ME. I am sad. I am sad too because I know that I won't always look like this and that someday you will long to touch me and you will drool over me again and then I will remember THIS version of ME and how will I feel then? They are both ME. I am sad.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

28 weeks

Had my 28 week appt. yesterday and took the glucose test. That stuff isn't so bad - tastes like Orange Crush with double syrup and no carbonation. Not something I'd drink on my own but fell just short of vomitous on the drinkability scale. Baby is doing fine. Wiggliest kid I've ever felt, heard of, etc. I KNOW the other kids didn't move this much. I think I may be feeling it more because of her position - she is transverse - although I think she may have moved last night since I'm feeling some kicking up toward my ribs. The best news (other than baby is good) was that I had only gained 1 lb. since last appt. and that was over Thanksgiving too! I hope the worst of my gaining is through. As my doctor put it, I certainly have gained more than enough this pregnancy already. True, true.

Bart and I had childbirth preparation classes all this past weekend. The lady was super thorough so Bart knows what to expect at this point, at least as much as a classroom setting can preapare a person. This is such a different experience for me, going through this with my husband. I'm not too revealing with my previous situations but Baby 1: Her dad and I were young and it was not the right thing for us to be married. Baby 2: I was married but when I was 4 months pregnant his Dad was removed from our lives. Baby 3: As you can see, a completely different story. I'm so happy to be sharing this whole experience with him. There is no element of trauma like in my other pregnancies. Of course, with my first 2, I was still happy about the babies, it was just HARD. I can see why this is the 'ideal' way of doing things. Not that it doesn't have it's own challenges, but it's so much better.

That's all for now...

Wednesday, November 24, 2004


It is the time of year to pause and reflect on the things for which you are grateful. Actually, it should be done continuously throughout the year, but now is good too. So, here goes.

I am thankful for my beautiful children, Morgan and Jacob. I am thankful for their health, their humor, their resilience, their intelligence, and all the little things about them that make them so uniquely them. They are light and joy to my soul, even when they are testing their independence (and their parents) I am thankful that I am raising strong children.

I am thankful for my husband Bart. I am thankful for his heart, his strength, his character. I am thankful for the substance within him and once again, thankful for all the little things about him that make him so uniquely him. For dreaming big, for having the intelligence and motivation to actually achieve those dreams. There has been no individual on this planet other than Bart that was so worthy an investment of my heart, soul, mind, devotion, loyalty, everything. I believe in Bart. Thank you for Bart.

I am thankful for this new little being, Francesca, that Bart and I decided to create. I am thankful for her wiggles and her kicks. I am thankful for her apparent health so far and am in continuous prayer for her continued health. I know she will bring more joy to our family than we can even imagine.

I am thankful for a loving family, a mother who I truly respect and look up to and aspire to be like, wonderful siblings so talented and good hearted, a father so stoic and successful, a stepmother so willing to be there for me, a stepdad that provides so well for mom and the kids and loves us all in his own way. An extended family that is so diverse and wonderful.

I am thankful for Stacia, my oldest and dearest friend. She is tried and true, the one person I can call in the middle of the night and cry to. In actuality, to call her "friend" falls much too short of what she is. She is family. She just is. I love her dearly, no matter what.

I am thankful for having everything I need, a home, food, job, car to get me there, all the basics that I tend to take for granted. My health, my soul, what makes me who I am.

I am thankful for a God that is good, even when other things are not.

I am blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving.


Monday, November 22, 2004

Hey! Long time no blog... (subtitle: She said, He heard...)

Bad weekend folks. Let me start by saying that sulking is bad. No wait, let me start by saying that nesting is inevitable and a practical necessity. NOW I'll say that sulking is bad. It is. Period.

However, after duly apologizing for said sulking I tried to communicate with Bart. Here is my version of a reinactment in a nutshell.

She said: Bart, I'm having a hard time finding a balance between not nagging and telling you what I need your help with.

He heard: You lazy bastard why don't you ever help me with anything around the house? You're good for nothing and I abhore you.

Then after much yelling at me, (who wouldn't yell at someone who called them a lazy, abhored bastard that never does anything after all?)and many hours later...

She said: I don't want to fight Bart but I'd like to know, are you not helping me around the house because we fought about it and you're trying to make the point that if I fight with you about it you won't help?

He heard: You f-ing retarded asshat... You must do what I say when I say it, you must bow to my every command, you must be subservient and be my bitch - that's all you are, after all, is my little girly bitch.

So, after much yelling again (Who wouldn't tell their wife to shut the f up and get off their f-ing back when she is calling him her little bitch and demanding total subserviency really?)Bart wore himself out and fell asleep on the couch.

So, it was a productive, peaceful, pleasant weekend at Bart and Camille's place this weekend.

The moral of the story: Sulking is bad. Men really are from Mars and Women really are from Venus... obviously.

To be safe here I must also add that being Martian, I'm sure Bart has a very, VERY different version of the said events as cited. Being a very good Venutian, I'm plenty big enough to admit that and am also big enough to invite Bart to post his Martian version at will.

By the way Bart, you're a cyborg.... and I love you.

Thankfully, there's always another weekend.


Friday, November 12, 2004

Francesca @ 24w 3d

So, thanks to my shortened cervix we got a second ultrasound yesterday and another look at little Francesca. She is looking good! She's a svelte 1lb. 12oz. - looks like she might be able to be a super-model as long as she can maintain her weight. I was relieved to see she DOES have a right arm, as well as a left one. It dawned on me after the 1st ultrasound that I didn't see it. She didn't have to have a right arm for me to love her, but it helps when you want to play pat-a-cake. Anyways, all is well in my womb and the cervix is looking like a non-issue since it only shortened by 2mm in the past 4 weeks and that could just be due to the margin of error. So, looks like she will be a February baby after all, knock on wood.

Bart and I decided that we would skip the trip to visit his family at Thanksgiving. I'm relieved. I don't want to hear his mom exclaim how fat I am while lifting up my shirt - that just may require more restraint than I possess. Now I have to figure out how to get out of Christmas... think, think, think.....

Well, that's all for now folks.


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Pot Roast in the Garbage Disposal

Oi vey. Bart was trying to do a good thing in disposing of the month old pot roast. He did not know that garbage disposals hate pot roast. So, much cursing ensued this morning when the finicky old garbage disposal vomited all over the cabinet under the sink and the floor. It was a flooded mess. When I left the house this morning it smelled like old meat. I can't wait to go home. Nothing like the aroma of putrid meat to greet you at the end of a long day. Now, Bart and I will have to tackle the garbage disposal to try to restore it to it's former, non-spewing self.

Fun, fun. Especially for me who can NOT bend over. Sheesh.

On another little pleasant note. If you are designated the person to pick up Krispy Kreme doughnuts for your meeting in the morning at work, do not, DO NOT, leave the leftover doughnuts on your desk for your "colleagues" to enjoy throughout the day. You will eat them all. Or you will eat as many as you can before getting dangerously close to a sugar induced coma. Just a public service announcement for you.

That is all.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

My brain hurts and I want to go home...

I work a LOT. I leave the Northern Hinterlands where I live at 6:30 a.m. and drop the kids off at daycare, I then proceed on my journey to this place where I live, um I mean, work. I get here at around 7:30 a.m. then I work until 6:00 p.m., or until I am able to leave, which is sometimes even later. Then I leave here and make the return journey to the aforementioned Hinterlands. I get home around 7:15 p.m.

By the time I get home it's all I can do to slither in the house, collapse on couch or bed. (Choice of which depends upon the energy I have at my disposal as the couch is a good 20 paces closer than my bed.) I then try to be all chipper and cheery as I inquire about the kiddos days at school, the hubby's day at work. I get something to eat or eat with the family, depending on if they could starve long enought to wait for me. Then I try my damndest to enter a vegatative state until bedtime for the kids - that process beginning at 8:30 p.m.

I then try to release the tension that has settled in every muscle of my body and try to unwind enough to just fall asleep. I'd say I'm usually sleeping by 9:30 p.m. these days. Hubby's alarm goes off at 3:00 a.m.

I'm tired. I'm fat, um, I mean pregnant. I'm a little miserable. I want to take a hiatus, a sabbatical, a vacation. Heck, I could fake a good coma if I had too. Would that work?

On a bright cheery note, I finally found a bra that sort of kind of meets my pregnant body's requirements. It isn't made out of concrete with steel reinforcements either which is more cheery news. My chest is probably the most disconcerting physical change of this pregnancy - it will never, ever be the same. Don't get me wrong, it had already suffered the effects of 2 breastfed babies but this 3rd pregnancy has pushed them over the edge. Really it is ridiculous. They are enormous and my nipples are just about the circumference of tennis balls. Why, I ask you, was that necessary??? I'll tell Bart to start my cosmetic surgery fund now, God knows I'll need it.

Oh the glistening, dewy joys of pregnancy! Moo.

Exhaustedly yours,

Monday, November 08, 2004

Long weekend...

I managed to stay busy this weekend. I shampooed the living room carpet to see if it would look less like a crime scene in there but alas, the stains are tougher than I gave them credit for. I started reading a book, The Blind Assassin, which is pretty cool so far. I went to both of the kids' last soccer games and I went shopping for Jake - he is growing like a weed and had nothing to wear. I also went and did some much overdue grocery shopping with Bart.

Bart and I got into a stupid argument last night all because I said something that he took in a way that I did not intend it... it went from bad to worse. I'm still licking my wounds a bit from that one. It was just his tone of voice. Sometimes it seems like how a person REALLY feels seeps out when they don't realize it and it's hard to take something back once it's been said. I've said some things in the past to Bart that I wish I could take back but he'll never forget them. I guess it was his tone last night that forged it into my brain. I'm having a harder time shaking this off than I usually do.

I love Bart and my feelings were hurt.

Ok, I'm moving on now.

On an even UNHAPPIER note, I am beginning to get cellulite on my hips! OH MY GOD! PLEASE tell me it goes away when I get un-fat.... Oh I was so NOT prepared for this. Ick, yuck, blech, arrrghh.



Monday, November 01, 2004

And so it begins...

the dark season, that is. I always become varying phases of a train wreck during the fall and winter months because it is dark in the morning when I leave for work and it's dark in the evening when I leave the office to come home. It makes me so sad. I feel like I roll my kids out of bed in the morning and get home in time to kiss them goodnight. I fall apart every year during this time and spend the rest of the year trying to paste myself back together. Well, that's all I wanted to say today. I have to leave now - in the dark - to drive home, an hour long drive. Sigh. Choke. Sniff.


Wednesday, October 27, 2004


I confessed to my addiction to reading blogs - I, in particular, have developed an affection for a group of ladies that have battled with infertility in varying forms. I have learned SO much from their openness and candor.

Today, on one of the blogs I read regularly,, there was some very, very tragic news.

Please pray for Cecily and her husband Charlie as they go through a horrible time.


Monday, October 25, 2004


In response to Stacia's last post....

Dearest Stacia - You are my oldest and most loved friend - you never need fear excommunication. I adore you for many reasons, one of which is your unbridled honesty. I would never want for less from you. Not only that, but I value your opinion. 16 years of friendship prove that I don't always take your opinion as my own, but I value it none the less. Thanks for always being just exactly who you are supposed to be... you.

Miss you,


Blogger ate my post again. You know the drill. This one will be short because of my frustration. Beth, I'm glad you always read my blog, I can't ever respond to you directly because there is no email address given for you and Blogger also doesn't allow me to see if you have a blog. If you do, let me know, turnabout is fair play, after all, and I should read your blog since you read mine. I'm glad that I've gotten positive reactions on the baby's name. It's different but I think it has an air of sophistication about it that isn't really "saint"-ish. Anyways, I'm 22 weeks today. Next week I will be 6 months and that is a very, very good thing. I registered this past weekend which was fun but exhausting. I also bought little 'Cesca some cute clothes (which in no way makes up for the LACK of cute clothes I, personally, currently have in MY wardrobe).

Well, TTFN... (Oh come on, you all know SOME Winnie the Pooh don't you??)


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Francesca Claire

She has a name! I am increasingly excited and nervous. I don't know how good this whole short cervix thing is. I'm just more and more concerned about it. I am down to having 3-4 contractions a day but we're not talking about your garden variety BH contractions - we're talking about OMG, must-breathe-now, it will be over soon kind of contractions. I'm worried they are being VERY effective. I want her so badly. I just have to cook her at least 12 more weeks.

Thanks for the congratulations on our anniversary. We went to Houston for an airshow and went to Johnson Space Center. Since I've spent the last couple of years dragging Bart around San Antonio shopping, I figured I'd be a sport and do "guy" stuff this year. Of course, it was a modified version because I could only take so much of the Houston heat and humidity and needed to be babied quite a bit. It was nice anyway in spite of the concrete slab the hotel was trying to pass off as a bed. The point is, we went away and enjoyed each other's company.

Well, now I need to wrap up for the day.


Thursday, October 14, 2004

3 years ago today...

I married the man of my dreams. It was a tough time but he put on a new suit, I put on my gown, and we went, just me and him, to our little church office and stood there and took our vows, pledged our lives. I glowed. Literally glowed. To this day, he is the only man that has ever made me glow. We've been through hard, Hard, HARD, H.A.R.D. times but we have emerged intact and in love. I adore this man. He still is the man of my dreams. He still makes me weak. He still makes me giddy. He is the only man that knows the stubborn me and the soft underbelly of me and he loves me. Here's to another year Bart. Here's to eternity. Cheers, my love. You're my everything.


P.S. This is what Bart sent me last year... I read it at least once a month - you'll see why...

hey girl,
do you remember what it was like when you and i got married? we both lost
our jobs and we were broke. our bills piled up and we got behind on them. i
worked at (job mentioned) for 14 hours a day and didn't get paid for it. i was so
scared. then, i worked at (another job mentioned) making $9 an hour. you had to go to your
new job and work 10 hours a day. it was like whoever we were as individuals
was torn away in one swoop and we had to come together as one person to make
it through. my ego had to take a nose dive before you and i could do
anything together. working at (previously mentioned jobs) certainly took care
of that. then, i got fat. i had to figure out, with your help, that maybe
there was more to me than i thought there was before. i was a nice, loving
person. i could care about other people. i could be depended on. i could
make it through a tough situation with the use of common sense and planning
and not just on luck. i have learned to trust you more than i have ever
trusted anyone in my life. i am learning more and more everyday that there
is no ME anymore, it is US. you have helped me become a productive,
dependable, and good person.
we have come a long way since october 14, 2001. we have still, a long way to
go. i don't love money, i love you, jake and morgan. no matter how
prosperous we get, i always want to remember that. you guys are the reason i
study all night long. i want you to be able to stay home with the kids so
badly. i kind of close my mental eyes on what the odds are of me being paid
a six-figure income in the next 5 years. i just chug along like the little
engine that could and keep my hopes up.
you and i are still babies when it comes to this marriage thing. i do think
that we have our priorities straight though. i have seen couples who care
more about possessions, dirt biking, drinking, and various other things than
they do about each other. they would deny that they are like that, but if
you took away those things that they think are so important like their boat,
dirt bikes, drinking, etc, they would not know what to do with each other.
you and i could probably just rub on each other all day long and talk. we
are each other's entertainment.
i still love you so much. i love you more than i did 2 years ago. i love
your beautiful smile, your wonderful laugh, the way you wear my t-shirts,
the way your skin smells, your little perfect ears, your beautiful
earth-colored eyes, your big beautiful feet, and the way you pucker your
lips when you are looking in the mirror. you are so incredible that i cannot
fully describe you to anyone. you are my jewel.


She looked beautiful...

Our baby girl looked beautiful on that ultrasound screen. She was sucking her thumb with vigor and she looked perfect to me and her daddy.

Now I have to keep her in there long enough. Turns out all these contractions HAVE been doing something and my cervix is significantly shortened. I have to start on Terbutaline to stop the contractions.

Now I just pray. I want everything to be alright. I try not to show that I am scared.

Mom reminded me that the Bible says, "Be anxious for nothing but in all things give thanks." That's what I'm holding on to. Thank you for this baby girl. Thank you for this hope. Thank you for seeing me through. Thank you for knowing that losing her WOULD be too much for me to handle, for Bart to handle. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Keep her in there and just as my prayer has always been for my 2 beautiful children before this one, I now include her, keep my babies safe and healthy. Amen.


Monday, October 11, 2004


That's what I was officially in on Sunday. A big, fat, ugly, gray, cloudy, grizzly bear funk. Poor Bart. He took all he could before snapping at bedtime. Think my crabbiness finally broke him. Sorry about all that Bart. I couldn't shake it. I was snappy and bitter all day long. I was upset about the house being a mess, about ex #1 griping at my daughter until she was in hysterics, about keeping ex #2's dog, about soccer in the rain, about getting so freaking big, about money, about work, and about the stress of starting over with this sweet baby, which I will love completely, already do, but that will cause all of the aforementioned stressors to be accompanied with lack of sleep and further frayed nerves. Sigh.

I'm a tad overwhelmed.

Anyway, sorry Bart.


Friday, October 08, 2004

Damn, Damn, Damn

Had a nice long really insightful post - freaking Blogger ate it. Grrrr....

That's all I can muster now.

I'll try to recapture the moment later. Geez.


Still Me

Yesterday when I left work and began my hour long commute home, I opened the sunroof on my car and turned my music up nice and loud. I felt the cool breeze through my hair and breathed in the fresh air and I felt alive. I smiled. I felt like me. I'm still in there. That's good news. I thought I was lost underneath these gigantic breasts that are so completely foreign to me, under this belly that has a wiggly thing in it, under the thighs and backside that are making sure I stay in proportion, under all the nausea, under all the emotional ripping from this new dilemma with my husband's "madonna complex", under all the raging hormones... but you know what??.... I'm still in there. Oh thank you God. I was worried. I know I'll climb out of this in time and now I know, I'll be me.


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

In which nothing much occurs...

..except for the baby having hiccups today. Weird feeling to have something living and hiccup-ing inside of you. Other than that... um... nothing.

The other day Bart and I were reminiscing and I recalled that when I was in high school I had a penchant for hitting boys in the stomach... hard. Why is that? I thought it was funny. They never really complained either (stupid machismo) and they still bought me shoes and brought me lunch that they had their mommies pack extra for me. Um... that's just WRONG. I never really thought about it before. I will warn my son against girls that hit boys in the stomach and still expect for him to buy them stuff. I will warn my daughter not to hit boys in their tummies.

As horrible as all that sounds. I was a nice person. I really was. I will redeem myself in a future post, for now, think I'm as horrible as that sounds. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I just hated them but wanted their attention anyways. Hormones are a horrible, terrible, awful thing when you're 13 and 14.

I don't hit any boys now and I don't expect them to buy me things unless I'm REALLY nice. ;o)

I've been nice lately right?

OK, maybe I could be a little nicer.

Signing off...


Thursday, September 30, 2004

Miscellaneous Ramblings...

Have I ever talked about all the blogs I read every day? It all started with - I read that everyday - then I started reading all of her the blogs she lists on her website. My favorites being Tertia's , , , and . I really enjoy a lot of the blogs listed in her Blogs aplenty list as well.

So, if you haven't checked them out, go ahead and do that, but come back here when you're done.

I'm really in crisis mode about s.e.x. in my marriage. SERIOUSLY. I need it, I figure he needs it, but it's just not happening. I am actually mourning about this. I DON'T LIKE IT. More, I don't like what it could lead to. Are we going to turn into THAT couple? Makes me water up just thinking about that possibility. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT. Let me clarify, sure I could if he were mangled and couldn't, sure I could if for some reason I lost my necessary parts, but barring that, well, it's just too important not to do. So, how does a puffy, big-bellied, not-as-attractive-as-I-wish-I-was woman try to seduce her husband who is just not feeling it? Waaaaaaaaahh.

I love this baby but I hate this body and what it's doing to me.

On a more positive note, I really am excited about the upcoming ultrasound on the 13th. I hope the baby is cooperative and will give us a good look see so we know how to start shopping. I can't wait to buy some cute baby stuff.

I have to get some work done before they figure out that I'm addicted to all things blog and take it away from me. Bastards.


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Still gagging and other pleasantries....

WHAT is going on?? Why am I now 5 months pregnant and still gagging, fighting nearly every morning to keep from puking. I'm so TIRED of that. It will be so nice to eat and drink whatever I want, to not have to rate it on the nauseous scale first.

I got one of those snoogle pillows or whatever they're called. They're enormous pillows for pregnant women that are curved and long and you can put them in whatever position you want. I decided I love mine. I make it into a big circle and sit in the middle of it - kind of like a nest and at night I just get all entertwined up in it. It's the most comfortable I've been in a while so that's a good thing.

I'm completely self conscious lately about Bart and my lack of 'intimacy', if you know what I mean. I HATE IT. I like being with him, it's fun and good and well, it's normal to need that. I can't blame him that he doesn't see me in the same way now. Duh, I can look in the mirror. I am just really struggling with this. I respect the way he feels about it but at the same time, I want him to still want me. To clarify, he hasn't ever said anything about the way I look, just the general concerns of me being pregnant plus his feeling that I'm kind of sacred, in a way, right now, and I love that about him. But, I can't help but think that there's more to it than that - not that I wouldn't understand - I don't look good - I look round and big. I'm NOT used to this. I DON'T like it.

Did I mention I'm ready for February?


Monday, September 27, 2004

Completely Useless

I've never been much of a housekeeper. Under the close supervision (read: control) of one of my ex's I did manage to keep a sort of clean place, but it was never clean enough for him. Well, now being pregnant has rendered me completely useless. I honestly feel like a really bad wife and a really bad mother lately. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't look good. I don't 'satisfy' my husband. I don't do anything anymore except get bigger and bigger. Of course I work 10 hours every weekday and commute 2 hours every weekday too. So, I do contribute, just not in the ways I consider important. Sigh. I am not fond of this version of me. Come on February.


Friday, September 24, 2004

Blank Stare

I will share this about me, if I am sitting there with a blank stare on my face, don't ask me what's on my mind. I mean, really, you don't care to know and if I was honest with you you'd just look at me as if suddenly I sprouted a second head.

I was lunching with a couple of girls from work today and this exact scenario occured. See, one of the girls said she had brought some of her clients to this particular restaurant in the past and that one of them drank Guiness - a lot of it - and said 'cheers' a lot in a British accent. So, there began the spinning in my head.

Thought 1: I met a guy once that was from England, what was that guys name? Oh, who cares.
Thought 2: Reflected on posts made by an English blogger about his wife that was expecting.
Thought 3: I wonder if Bart would blog about becoming a father.
Thought 4: I can't wait to have a margarita again someday.
Thought 5: We'll have to get a sitter.
Thought 6: I need to get skinny.

Then the question came (as I have that glazed over look on my face) "What's on your mind?"

Proper Answer: Nothing.

Mercy. I have ALWAYS been this way. Is the rest of the world as random as all that?


Thursday, September 23, 2004

Almost 5 months

We had a doctor's appt. on the 15th and she said not to worry about the contractions unless I have more than 5 in an hour or they are coming in regular intervals. I just don't remember this with the last two kiddos.

When Monday rolls around I will officially be 5 months. That's a good thing because I feel that I'm finally catching up to the size of my belly. Honestly folks, I am ridiculously large for being this far along. Oh well.

I had been feeling good most of this week and then this morning had to make another mad dash for the bathroom. (Beth, if I could master your trick I would be a happier woman but alas, I do not think I am that talented. Plus, the aforementioned LARGE belly is somewhat prohibitive of my attempts at even practicing your advanced puking technique.)

I've been extremely cranky lately and I think that just maybe my husband has noticed. Ok, the poor thing must be ready to throttle me. I'm just having a very hard time adjusting to the new situation we have going on. I LOVE having him home (he just switched from 3rd shift to 1st shift) but at the same time - now he has to deal with me at my worst. When I'm tired at night and when I'm tired in the morning AND since he is the 3rd shift guru - the new guy doth proceed to ring our home at all ungodly hours of the a.m. That makes for one extraordinarily cranky pregnant woman. Plus I HURT. All over - I have recently added a lot of front loaded weight to my frame you see and so I NEED some help. I sit at a stupid desk all day in a "made for inmates" chair and so then when I get home last night and collapse into bed - aching from shoulders to rear - I want the hubby to rub on me a little and he "being funny" says that of course he'll rub on me, after all, I rub on him so much. WHAT???? Okay, maybe I left my sense of humor in the car - let me think about it some more... um, nope, still not amusing. OK, so don't worry about me. I'll just bear the contorting of my body, the inability to sleep, the pain and general malaise of bearing this child without troubling you - oh, and I'll certainly make some time to rub on you because you certainly MUST have a good reason for needing it too.

Deep breath. Okay, so, I was a little out of sorts on that one. In all fairness he was angry at me for being skeptical of the latest conspiracy theory about the Pentagon and the plane that did not (supposedly) fly into it. He finds my skepticism insulting personally somehow.

OK, I digress. Point is, I'm cranky. And I ache. And I'm tired.

The big point is - I love him. Thank you for giving me more than you want to while I am pregnant and crabby Bart. I really don't try to take advantage of it. Mostly, I feel I'm plowing through this like a trooper. LOOK AT ME. My body is going through hell. Can you please take it easy on me?



Thursday, September 16, 2004

I'm still alive

I haven't posted for a while out of gross frustration with Blogger. I had written a lengthy, thought provoking post and Blogger would not let me post it. So, I went on strike temporarily but I have crossed the line now and I'm back.

I had an OB appt yesterday and after waiting for the baby to be still long enough for the doctor to find it's heartbeat - there it was - that coll swish, swish sound. I don't know why I worry so much this pregnancy. I wasn't like this with the last two.

It doesn't help that I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions since week 14. The doctor says that to make them stop I should lie down and drink fluids. Ha! My doctor doesn't realize I slave away at the office for 10 hours a day and have a 1 hour commute back and forth. So, that's 12 hours a day that I just CAN'T lie down. Sigh.

Waiting to hear how my grandparents are doing afer Ivan. They live in Milton, FL which is not far from Pensacola. My poor family has had quite the summer down in FL. Note to self: do NOT move to hurricane country. Life here in Tornado alley is MUCH better. (Whatever!)

Well, back to work I go.


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Come on 2nd Trimester

Well, I am officially in my 2nd trimester - the honeymoon period of pregnancy (or so they say). I threw up in a booth at Chili's at lunch on Friday. It was in my hair and not so pretty. Maybe it's the honeymoon period in the sense that after my 1st marriage I had a honeymoon. It was kind of like puking in a booth at Chili's so maybe that's what they mean.

The week before that I puked in my car and since there is a baby sitting on my bladder and since throwing up contracts every molecule in your body, you guessed it, I peed too. IN MY CAR. I was very tempted to take the bag of ick and my skirt soaked in pee and hand them both to my husband with an oath that we would never, ever do this pregnancy thing again. I decided against it, feeling pretty certain that it would only induce more vomiting on his part.

Instead I just told him "never again" without the props. I think he got the point. I got the pee out of my car and the puke out of my hair and am hoping for some end to be in sight for this blech.

Enough for now.


Monday, August 16, 2004

Thank you cranky husband

I wanted to write a thank you to my husband. I have no clue if he even reads my blog anymore. I think he doesn't because he never comments on it. But, that's kind of why I'm writing it here. Not because I think he won't see it, but because if he knows I wrote it without even knowing if he would read it, he'll know I meant it.

For cracking the kids up, making them laugh like I rarely have, thank you. For hundreds of trips to McDonalds, Burger King, Sonic, KFC, Wendy's, and Taco Bell, thank you. For thousands of trips to the kitchen for ice cream, sodas, salt, Tony Cacheres, thank you. For shoving your irritation below the surface for a kid that wants to snuggle on the bed with us, thank you. For mowing the lawn, thank you. For half killing yourself at your damn job, thank you. For picking up the kids and dropping them off, thank you. For being such an excellent teacher to Jake and someone Morgan will talk to, thank you. For being the man that after 4 years together, still makes me melt, thank you. For stopping smoking again, thank you. For taking care of yourself, thank you. For going to school, thank you. For believing in me, thank you. For coming home, thank you. For not giving yourself an out, thank you. For giving me a few bucks when I'm broke, thank you. For being you, thank you, thank you, thank you. For being with me and the kids, thank you a million times over. I could go on and on and on.

You are loved. (Even when you're cranky)


1st day of school 2004

Morgan went into the 5th grade this year and Jake is doing the kindergarten thing again. He was so young going in last year that, even though he was academically ready for the 1st grade, we felt he'd benefit emotionally, etc. by hanging back a year. He doesn't seem to mind too awful much. Hope that remains the case.

Today I am 12 weeks pregnant today and am so big. My belly is round and my breasts are huge but less sore. Twelve weeks is good - it's so amazing. Apparently, my baby has everything it needs now - it just has to get bigger and it's parts have to develop now that they are there.

I hate every name I ever thought I'd like. I agonize over my children's names. Why does this happen to me? I'm really going to try not to think about names again until October when we will know if this is a boy or girl flavored baby.

Oh, by the way, I am now officially OUT of every pair of non-maternity pants I own. Waaaah.

More later...

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Night at the ER

Oh what fun. My daughter got tangled up with a 2 year old and a tricycle at her friend's house and ended up with a "too wide and deep for a bandaid" gash on the top of her left foot. So, off to the hospital we went. She was nervous but did really well through the whole ordeal. She ended up with 2 'special' stitches - they have to purposely pucker the skin on the top of the foot because it is tight. Interesting. The wait was about 2.5 hours and $100 and now she gets to skip PE for the first 2 weeks of school. I think she figures that was worth the $100. Well, got to get busy working this morning.


Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Dunno why...

But I haven't been able to log on to blogspot in order to post in over a week and now, out of the clear blue sky, voila, it works. Oh well, whatever. The last 2 days I have felt almost normal as far as the nausea goes - not too bad. I've replaced that with being unable to comfortably bend over anymore. That's so much fun to admit at only 12 wks of pregnancy. Everyone around me knows I'm pregnant now - well, except for maybe blind people, maybe they don't know. I am officially in all maternity, all the time, clothes. I can't believe how large I am. Stunning.

This week my twin brother and sister turned 16 years old. I'm ancient. I can't believe how the time has gone. Of course my own are 10 and soon to be 6. I really am getting old. We did the whole back to school shopping thing this past weekend. My son's nice new sneakers for school are already mud coated. Grrrrr.

Soon we'll be engulfed in soccer practices, homework, and all that jazz and time will really fly then.

Bart is fine. I think he starts on days in a couple of weeks - thank the good Lord Almighty. I'm so over him being so miserable about his schedule and the failure of the rest of the world to accomodate it. It has been a long, hard road for him but I think it served him well, really. How many people have a whole degree that they earned at work?

Well, lemondrops and cheese nips to all the people I like and sardines to those I don't....


Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Getting bigger...

That's pretty much all that can be said of me at this time.  I am getting definitively bigger.  I am wearing maternity pants for the first time today.  I must say that maternity pants have come a long way in the past 7 years.  These pants have no panel - instead they have a zipper on each side and d-ring belt adjustments on each side.  Beneath the zipper is another stretchy piece of matching fabric.  The bigger you get the more you unzip each side and adjust the d-rings further out.  Pretty darn cool if you ask me. 

So, yesterday I got home from work.  Both the kids were with their dads and Bart wasn't home - I figured he had either gone running or gone to get something to eat.  I looked out the window to see if his car was out front and had to do a double take.  There in the front yard stood Bart talking to exii # 2.   Now there has been considerable tension between those 2 so I couldn't help but wonder about the chat fest in the front yard. 

Turns out ex was running late getting Jake and called Bart to see if he could get him.  He did and then ex came to the house to pick up Jake.  Everyone was extraordinarily civil and they even shook hands at parting.  Huh.  Who knew?  I think that was a BIG step for the both of them.  To know that they can actually look at each other without the primal desire to kill the other.  It's a start. 

Bye for now...

Thursday, July 22, 2004

These days are ahh ahh ahh ah ah happy days...

sing the title to the appropriate tune and then read on...

ok?  ok.

i am so happy.  yesterday i was pulled into a meeting with my divisional vp and was told that they have created a position with me in mind.  employee development.  this means no more selling  (angels sing, clouds part) and a salaried position (harps playing, children skipping) and better hours (someone get the smelling salts). 

oh happy, happy day.  the only catch is that it's a few months out but who the heck cares!  oh yippee!!!

btw, i feel much better the last 2 days.  still bloated beyond any comfort and bodily recognition but so much less nauseaous! 

morgan asked me the other day if i was pregnant - she was worried ab0ut asking in case i was just getting fat.  nice of her to be so thoughtful!  ;o) she seems excited.

well, gotta go...

(p.s. in case you didn't know, today is no capital letters day)

Monday, July 19, 2004

Must remember to write on a good day...

By now you must be weary of hearing how ill I am.  I'm weary of being ill so get over it!  Today has been a rough day.  No doubt punishment from the pizza I inhaled last night.  Pregnancy slows your digestion and I'm sure it's just sitting in there.  So, not doing so good today.  I got to hang out with Stacy for a few hours this weekend.  Wish it could have been longer.  Wish I didn't feel like such a lump on a log and could have enjoyed myself more.  Such is life.  Well, more later.

Friday, July 16, 2004

There's a baby in there!

It's official.  There IS a baby and it's little bitty heart was beating at 150 bpm.  At this point in time, the only thing distinguishable on the little guy/girl is the heart.  Those 2-d ultrasound images don't exactly allow you to see much detail.  Bart was right there with me holding my hand and his mouth was wide open.  He was amazed.  What a great feeling.  Thankfully, there is just one baby and they were very pleased at what they were looking at.  By my calculations the baby is at 7 w 3 d but by theirs it was 8 w 3 d.  Either way, that is a good thing.  It's bad if the baby measures smaller for their gestational age but bigger is a good thing!  I'm still feeling so much better with the help of the phenergan (?) but you'll be happy to hear that the good doctor has called me in some in pill form now that I may not puke them up.
Well, enough for now...

Thursday, July 15, 2004

All hail suppositories!

Okay, so I never really thought I would be touting the praises of a suppository. But when you are puking and when you're not you FEEL like puking - hey, I'll do what I have to do - OBVIOUSLY!

You should have seen me at the drive thru pharmacy - the teenage boy pharmacy tech asks me "Have you had this medication in the past?" I lied and said "YES!" The last thing I need is some guy telling me ok, well take one of these and shove it up your a** as needed. Um, I think I'll figure this one out on my own.

So, it DID help. This entire post can be filed under "TMI" but hey, it's my blog - it's my life.


Monday, July 12, 2004


Here I am, Monday morning. I spent all weekend in the house. I didn't leave at all. I have not been feeling well. I don't feel well now. That's pretty much all I have to say for now. That and ugggh.


Friday, July 09, 2004

Food I.V.

Maybe if I had an intravenous line of food it would be better. Let me break this down for you. If I get hungry, am full, or eat the wrong thing - I'm sick. If I am not constantly with food in my stomach - I am sick. BUT there is always only one thing or two on the globe that sound good at any given time so the process is challenging. For grins I should start writing about the food I'm eating. Let me begin by saying that yesterday I drank pickle juice. I'm not EVEN kidding. Today, that doesn't sound so great.

Today (it's 10:15am now)
2 pcs of wheat toast with peanut butter
Bagel with american cheese, tomato, and salt and pepper (THAT was really good!!)
2 peppermints
2 Rolaids
1 c. grape juice

It's not even noon yet. Sigh. It's going to be a long couple of months.


Thursday, July 08, 2004

Sweet Bart

After all that written venting of yesterday - last night I got home and Bart headed straight for the shower. I cried. I was so happy. See, the smell of his smoke and glisten-y sweat (it's summer in Dallas) has all of the sudden become worse than death to my pregnant self. He was so sweet and then when he went out again, he made sure to deodorize himself as well as he could. Let me clarify, Bart himself doesn't stink it's just that now I'm pregged I have the skills of a bloodhound and I don't have the stomach to handle it.

This morning is BAD. I'm sick. I almost lost it on the way in to work but I made it. Barely.

Bart's boss talked with him about switching him to 1st shift! FINALLY! He's been working 3rd shift since March of '03. Oh happy day. It won't be until end of August or so - I'm just going to pray that something doesn't happen to change that between now and then.



Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Mental Capacity

I feel like my brain cells are on a slow burn. I really need to pick up a book or two and read again. I think I am just wasting away mentally. I'm under a bit of stress but other than that and the pregnancy, I'm not sure to what I should attribute my decline in brain activity. I think I'm just tired. Not in the sense that I need to take a nap, in the sense that life has been hard for the past 15 years and now I'm tired. I'm not balling up all of my experiences just to categorize them all as "hard" - just the Cliff Notes would read "life was hard". Waaaah. I make myself sick when I sound all whiney and "poor-me-ish". But the fact of the matter is... I'm tired. There are many, many people out there with "harder" lives than I have had.

So, I'm in a rut. I'm sick all day every day.

I'm apparently doing nothing for Bart at all anymore (besides annoying the living crap out of him). I think this is going to be a tough pregnancy. I never really did have to think about someone else's feelings when I was pregnant before - all I had to do was take care of myself. There was no one there to irritate except myself and I was too sick to care. I thought it would be easier with an actual husband there but what I'm finding is that it is challenging BECAUSE now I am sick AND I feel bad for being sick and feel bad that things make me sick and feel bad that I just want to lie around and feel bad that I'm not interested in sex much (hey wonder if that's because it feels like someone is standing on my boobs all day long with combat boots or maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll actually vomit during sex or worse and wouldn't that be nice?) let alone I'm just scared because Bart is well-endowed and banging the crap out of my cervix is kind of a scary concept for me right now. Don't think that an orgasm is worth losing a baby over. He really tries to be gentle but things in there just feel different right now plus I'm not exactly at my pinnacle of feeling sexy these days.

DON'T GET ME WRONG - I WOULD NEVER PREFER BEING ALONE TO BEING WITH MY FAVORITE PIRATE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I love him and I just have to try to be more considerate of him all the while needing to vomit, growing a baby, stretching to 3 times my size, etc.

I love Bart with all of my heart. I didn't think I would have to get HIM through this pregnancy as much as I thought he would get ME through it. And I'm sure he will be the one to get me through it. I'm just confused. Not that he hasn't been mostly great - he has - but we're only at the beginning of this thing and I distinctly get the impression that he is "over" this whole not feeling well thing I've got going on. This is not even the 1/2 of it and I don't know how to tell him that I need his support more than I need air.

I have to figure out a way to be more understanding of where he's coming from too. I don't even know where to start (because why? because I feel like twice-baked garbage and really am presently concerned with keeping those saltines down that I ate a few minutes ago and staying awake at my desk until 6pm). But, I digress, I must figure out a way to be attentive to his needs while also being vomitously ill and completely exhausted from growing a kid.

Ok, chalk this post up to mood swing # 132 of this pregnancy. I love my Bart. I love my baby. I love my other babies. This too shall pass.


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Kind of green...

That's been the feeling of the week. Kind of icky green. I am fighting with some nausea and woozy kind of feelings but I'm fighting it as hard as I can. Ginger ale, pretzels, peppermints, and motion sickness bands. Please God let this be an easy pregnancy! I did nothing but lie around all weekend. We got some second hand DVD's - my favorite was About Schmidt - good movie. We did go out once and saw Troy. Pretty good WAY too long. Well, that's all for now.


Monday, June 28, 2004

I'm back from Phoenix...

What a wonderful trip we had! I must say, I didn't expect Phoenix to look the way it did. It has it's own kind of beauty. We stayed at the Desert Ridge Resort which was AMAZING! We stayed in Room 3409 - just so I can remember for when we go back again in some odd years. The resort smelled like flowers everywhere. The room was lovely. They have a lazy river you can float on and pools and all kinds of cool stuff - live music every night, etc. We were so sad to leave but happy to get back to the kids and the 20 degree temp drop from Phoenix to Dallas was a pleasant surprise!

We went to the Grand Canyon - there are no words to describe it accurately. We drove back to Phoenix through Sedona and that was also breathtakingly beautiful even if the road into Sedona from the north was a bit treacherous. I surprised Bart by renting a 2004 mustang convertible while we were there - it was a great car to have in the elevations we were conquering - we were over 8000 feet up!!!!

We had a terrific time and Bart and I only had a couple of brief spats - I barely remember them already. It was by far our best vacation and I loved it all.

Then this morning I went to the doctor and she confirmed my pregnancy and was quite surprised by our fertility! I go in in another 2 weeks for a sonogram - yippee. I think she would like to make sure it's just one and see if everything is "so far, so good".

I'm excited!

Bye for now...

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Phoenix here I come...

I'm so excited about leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. Woohoo. I'm really looking forward to floating on that lazy river at the resort we're staying at. I'm also really looking forward to seeing Bart walk across that stage. He's worked so hard for this. 5 days off of work. Yippee!!

Morgan is at camp this week in Oklahoma and I miss her so very much. Hope they're taking good care of her!

Monday, June 21, 2004


I feel pregnant for real now. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time accepting that this is truly happening. I keep having to prove it to myself a million times. Since all the other tests I had taken (6) had been early detection tests, I was anxious to take a "real" test - meaning the kind that you wait til you miss your period and take. I bought a digital test and sure enough it said "pregnant" - literally says the word. I guess it could not be any clearer than that! I'm so thrilled. I really am. Bart is being wonderful. He bought me a pregnancy magazine and is being sweet.

I only have a 2 day work week this week. Yeah! Bart is graduating in Phoenix and we're going to take some extra days to enjoy ourselves. Do you think that this is a big enough month for him?

Time to work...

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Yesterday was very momentous...

I couldn't take it anymore. I went home and grapped a hpt and tested. It came up positive so fast that I thought there might be something wrong with it. Bart went to the store and picked up some First Response Early tests. The 2nd line was there too!!!
I'm happy. Bart's reaction was not exactly as I'd pictured in my head. I was thinking he'd grab me and hug me and smile from ear to ear and maybe cry a little bit. Nope. He was just shocked. Just dead pan shocked. I guess you never can tell how someone will react. Oh well. Maybe his reaction at birth will be like I imagine. Maybe. I know he is happy but stunned. I think even though we were actively trying he didn't think it would happen. Silly Bart. He's warming up to the idea. He was very smiley this morning and not in that weird "i better smile or she'll think I'm not happy" kind of way either. So, he's coming around. I love him. I love all of my babies - including this bitsy little one.


Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Hey Camille

Camille, I love you sweety. You are going to have my little pirate baby.



I've resigned myself to thinking that I'm just not pregnant this month. Ok, I'm a liar. I'm TRYING to resign myself into thinking I'm not. That my boobs hurt often before my period. That I've always been able to smell little things. That many of those things would make anyone sick. That my belly ballooning the way it has is a result of pizza, strawberry trifle, chicken fajitas and cheese burgers. That the pain in my pelvic area is gas from the aforementioned pizza, strawberry trifle, chicken fajitas, and cheese burgers. That my instinctive, sudden aversion to picking up heavy things is just my head playing games with me. That my shortness of breath has more to do with 92% humidity and 100 degree heat than being pregged.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it...

Monday, June 14, 2004

Not Pregnant Party...

That's what Bart came up with. We're going to celebrate if I'm not pregnant. We'll have margaritas and live it up. Then we'll try again come O time.

I'm 10 dpo today. Negative hpt yesterday. Duh! Why do I do that to myself. What are the odds - 1 in 20 that it would have showed up positive even if I was pg?

So, I've determined my consolation prize - highlighting the hair, drinking margaritas and going to the tanning bed. All things that can't be done if I'm pg.

Not that those things come close to a little baby but hey, it's something to look forward to anyway.

It's another Monday and I need to get busy...


Saturday, June 12, 2004

Slow Saturday

Don't feel anything but normal today and that makes me upset. I broke down and bought 4 cool maternity shirts today at a consignment store. Somehow it satiated some longing inside me. I just keep thinking that even if it doesn't happen this month it is bound to happen soon.

Other than that all I have done today is sit on my butt and eat pizza. Productive and healthy to boot. Oh well, it's Saturday so screw it.

Only 11 days until we leave for Phoenix. I can't wait. I need a vacation so badly.

Bart and I discussed names some more. Today we're liking Isaac and Delaney. Sure that will change 100 more times before we even find out we're pregnant (or not).

Sleepy saturday happy thoughts to all...

Friday, June 11, 2004


Millions of women everywhere get pregnant. The majority of them have no symptoms until 6 weeks in. Regardless, this morning I'm sad because I'm 7 dpo with no definitive symptoms and I'm wondering if it's going to happen for us this month. I guess time will tell.

So, how about another subject...

anything, anything?

Okay, so I'm open to topics. Post a comment for me if you think of something that would keep my head busy on something other than babies. Keep it clean though.


Thursday, June 10, 2004


Okay, today I went to lunch with Eileen, Michele, and Kristen. We went to the pasta bar. Someone ordered sausage in their pasta and I nearly vomited at the smell when that sausage hit the skillet. Then Kristen had spinach tortellini. I looked at that green tortellini and again, wanted to puke. Hmmmm.... Maybe that sausage would have made me sick anyway... Eileen did say it smelled disgusting. Still.... kind of suspicious.



If you have ever been on those "Trying to Conceive" message boards you understand the Title of this blog. 6 DPO - Six days post ovulation. I try not to read too much into every little thing but I am failing miserably at that. For instance - I keep having cramping in my pelvic region. Strange for me. I was dizzy for 2 days. I've been very tired and have lots of cm. If you don't know what cm is then guess what? You don't want to. I told Bart that I'm trying to convince myself that I am not pg so that I won't be so disappointed if that is the outcome. I'm not a very patient person. The bottom line is I want it now - this month, the first try. Hey, it happens, right? But I've read so much about people that try for 8-9 months - even longer. I guess that my motto should be "if at first you don't succeed - try, try again."

Bart told me last night he was planning to quit smoking - that he doesn't need it and it scares him anyway. Proud of him.

I was snappy with Bart this morning because I was running late. Sorry, Bart. I love you with all of my heart. Also, sorry about leaving my equipment lying all up on the bed this morning, like I said, I woke up late.

Well, I guess I'd better work some more now...


Tuesday, June 08, 2004


I didn't mention it before. Stacy, she's the friend everyone wishes they had, she came in from Wisconsin this past week. She looked great. It's always great to see her and so hard to say goodbye to her when she leaves. Wish I could keep her. She kept me sane at my daughter's b-day party.

Got my haircut this weekend. Already thinking of good pregnant lady haircuts. Why does everything have to do with a baby? Found some cute maternity clothes websites:

I read on all about the first trimester of pregnancy. Geez, I'm actually getting on my own nerves with all this prego talk. It's pretty idiotic to get so submerged in this without even knowing if I am or not. Sigh.

I'm going to kick my own butt and get back to work now.


Soooooo Tired

Wish I could say that all this sudden fatigue must certainly mean I'm pregnant, but actually, I'm tired a lot, so this may not be any different than the normal, old tired. Yesterday I struggled all day to keep my eyes open at my desk. Today seems like it will be the same way. By the time I got home yesterday I was a very crabby tired lady. Bart was so sweet to me. (Thank you Bart.) I couldn't even stay awake until he left, I just slept and slept. Bart and I are going to Phoenix later this month. He is getting his bachelor's degree and we're going to enjoy ourselves a bit in celebration. I'm so excited to go - I REALLY want to see the Grand Canyon with Bart. Well, it's about that time - better get some work done.


Monday, June 07, 2004


I just wrote a nice long post and erased it. So now you get the pleasure of reading a quick condensed version.

Bart and I commenced to attempt babymaking this weekend as I was in "primetime". We want this so badly. Bart told me last night that his grandma on his dad's side had twins. Doesn't that skip a generation??? Anyway, we are now in the agonizing "TWW", two-week wait. Appropriately enough, the day I'll know with absolute certainty is June 20th - Father's Day. Would be a nice present, huh?

Had a good weekend, saw a stupid movie, enjoyed relaxing with my Bart. My daughter turned 10 last week. We had her party at Build a Bear - where you assemble a stuffed animal and dress it, etc. I wanted to make one. I'm going to too, just as soon as I find out that I am pregged, I'll make one for the little guy/girl.

I'm trying not to be too optimistic but, as you can see, I can't really help it.

Well, hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go.


Thursday, June 03, 2004

Day 1

Bart and Camille are our psuedonyms. He is my pirate and I am his virginal captive maiden - or something like that. Anyway, Bart and I are trying to have a baby. The whole thing is very ironic since I swore "no more" and we both thought we couldn't have one. So, now I'm peeing on sticks (not real sticks - the ovulation predictor kind) like a woman posessed and we're talking about making the upstairs loft a bedroom. Now I can think of little else.

We have 2 kids already. They are mine from my pre-Bart days but he claims them as his own. They are wonderful, brilliant, and as near to perfect as I would care for them to be. Part of my ongoing saga is my tumultuous dealings with the exiis. (I like that word-just made it up) I'm sure there will be more about that later.

For now, I'm inbetwixt (like that one?) reading every site ever created on how to get pregnant. I did it twice before - sure didn't seem hard then. Didn't even plan 'em. Now I'm stressing and just hoping I can figure out how to do this.

You'd think it was rocket science or something. Good gosh - guess I should just take the Nike motto and "just do it". I think the fear is this - when you want something it's always harder to get.

Same basic premise as shopping. When you have money, you find nothing to buy and when you're broke, you need and want everything in sight.

Enough for now.