Wednesday, October 27, 2004


I confessed to my addiction to reading blogs - I, in particular, have developed an affection for a group of ladies that have battled with infertility in varying forms. I have learned SO much from their openness and candor.

Today, on one of the blogs I read regularly,, there was some very, very tragic news.

Please pray for Cecily and her husband Charlie as they go through a horrible time.


Monday, October 25, 2004


In response to Stacia's last post....

Dearest Stacia - You are my oldest and most loved friend - you never need fear excommunication. I adore you for many reasons, one of which is your unbridled honesty. I would never want for less from you. Not only that, but I value your opinion. 16 years of friendship prove that I don't always take your opinion as my own, but I value it none the less. Thanks for always being just exactly who you are supposed to be... you.

Miss you,


Blogger ate my post again. You know the drill. This one will be short because of my frustration. Beth, I'm glad you always read my blog, I can't ever respond to you directly because there is no email address given for you and Blogger also doesn't allow me to see if you have a blog. If you do, let me know, turnabout is fair play, after all, and I should read your blog since you read mine. I'm glad that I've gotten positive reactions on the baby's name. It's different but I think it has an air of sophistication about it that isn't really "saint"-ish. Anyways, I'm 22 weeks today. Next week I will be 6 months and that is a very, very good thing. I registered this past weekend which was fun but exhausting. I also bought little 'Cesca some cute clothes (which in no way makes up for the LACK of cute clothes I, personally, currently have in MY wardrobe).

Well, TTFN... (Oh come on, you all know SOME Winnie the Pooh don't you??)


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Francesca Claire

She has a name! I am increasingly excited and nervous. I don't know how good this whole short cervix thing is. I'm just more and more concerned about it. I am down to having 3-4 contractions a day but we're not talking about your garden variety BH contractions - we're talking about OMG, must-breathe-now, it will be over soon kind of contractions. I'm worried they are being VERY effective. I want her so badly. I just have to cook her at least 12 more weeks.

Thanks for the congratulations on our anniversary. We went to Houston for an airshow and went to Johnson Space Center. Since I've spent the last couple of years dragging Bart around San Antonio shopping, I figured I'd be a sport and do "guy" stuff this year. Of course, it was a modified version because I could only take so much of the Houston heat and humidity and needed to be babied quite a bit. It was nice anyway in spite of the concrete slab the hotel was trying to pass off as a bed. The point is, we went away and enjoyed each other's company.

Well, now I need to wrap up for the day.


Thursday, October 14, 2004

3 years ago today...

I married the man of my dreams. It was a tough time but he put on a new suit, I put on my gown, and we went, just me and him, to our little church office and stood there and took our vows, pledged our lives. I glowed. Literally glowed. To this day, he is the only man that has ever made me glow. We've been through hard, Hard, HARD, H.A.R.D. times but we have emerged intact and in love. I adore this man. He still is the man of my dreams. He still makes me weak. He still makes me giddy. He is the only man that knows the stubborn me and the soft underbelly of me and he loves me. Here's to another year Bart. Here's to eternity. Cheers, my love. You're my everything.


P.S. This is what Bart sent me last year... I read it at least once a month - you'll see why...

hey girl,
do you remember what it was like when you and i got married? we both lost
our jobs and we were broke. our bills piled up and we got behind on them. i
worked at (job mentioned) for 14 hours a day and didn't get paid for it. i was so
scared. then, i worked at (another job mentioned) making $9 an hour. you had to go to your
new job and work 10 hours a day. it was like whoever we were as individuals
was torn away in one swoop and we had to come together as one person to make
it through. my ego had to take a nose dive before you and i could do
anything together. working at (previously mentioned jobs) certainly took care
of that. then, i got fat. i had to figure out, with your help, that maybe
there was more to me than i thought there was before. i was a nice, loving
person. i could care about other people. i could be depended on. i could
make it through a tough situation with the use of common sense and planning
and not just on luck. i have learned to trust you more than i have ever
trusted anyone in my life. i am learning more and more everyday that there
is no ME anymore, it is US. you have helped me become a productive,
dependable, and good person.
we have come a long way since october 14, 2001. we have still, a long way to
go. i don't love money, i love you, jake and morgan. no matter how
prosperous we get, i always want to remember that. you guys are the reason i
study all night long. i want you to be able to stay home with the kids so
badly. i kind of close my mental eyes on what the odds are of me being paid
a six-figure income in the next 5 years. i just chug along like the little
engine that could and keep my hopes up.
you and i are still babies when it comes to this marriage thing. i do think
that we have our priorities straight though. i have seen couples who care
more about possessions, dirt biking, drinking, and various other things than
they do about each other. they would deny that they are like that, but if
you took away those things that they think are so important like their boat,
dirt bikes, drinking, etc, they would not know what to do with each other.
you and i could probably just rub on each other all day long and talk. we
are each other's entertainment.
i still love you so much. i love you more than i did 2 years ago. i love
your beautiful smile, your wonderful laugh, the way you wear my t-shirts,
the way your skin smells, your little perfect ears, your beautiful
earth-colored eyes, your big beautiful feet, and the way you pucker your
lips when you are looking in the mirror. you are so incredible that i cannot
fully describe you to anyone. you are my jewel.


She looked beautiful...

Our baby girl looked beautiful on that ultrasound screen. She was sucking her thumb with vigor and she looked perfect to me and her daddy.

Now I have to keep her in there long enough. Turns out all these contractions HAVE been doing something and my cervix is significantly shortened. I have to start on Terbutaline to stop the contractions.

Now I just pray. I want everything to be alright. I try not to show that I am scared.

Mom reminded me that the Bible says, "Be anxious for nothing but in all things give thanks." That's what I'm holding on to. Thank you for this baby girl. Thank you for this hope. Thank you for seeing me through. Thank you for knowing that losing her WOULD be too much for me to handle, for Bart to handle. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Keep her in there and just as my prayer has always been for my 2 beautiful children before this one, I now include her, keep my babies safe and healthy. Amen.


Monday, October 11, 2004


That's what I was officially in on Sunday. A big, fat, ugly, gray, cloudy, grizzly bear funk. Poor Bart. He took all he could before snapping at bedtime. Think my crabbiness finally broke him. Sorry about all that Bart. I couldn't shake it. I was snappy and bitter all day long. I was upset about the house being a mess, about ex #1 griping at my daughter until she was in hysterics, about keeping ex #2's dog, about soccer in the rain, about getting so freaking big, about money, about work, and about the stress of starting over with this sweet baby, which I will love completely, already do, but that will cause all of the aforementioned stressors to be accompanied with lack of sleep and further frayed nerves. Sigh.

I'm a tad overwhelmed.

Anyway, sorry Bart.


Friday, October 08, 2004

Damn, Damn, Damn

Had a nice long really insightful post - freaking Blogger ate it. Grrrr....

That's all I can muster now.

I'll try to recapture the moment later. Geez.


Still Me

Yesterday when I left work and began my hour long commute home, I opened the sunroof on my car and turned my music up nice and loud. I felt the cool breeze through my hair and breathed in the fresh air and I felt alive. I smiled. I felt like me. I'm still in there. That's good news. I thought I was lost underneath these gigantic breasts that are so completely foreign to me, under this belly that has a wiggly thing in it, under the thighs and backside that are making sure I stay in proportion, under all the nausea, under all the emotional ripping from this new dilemma with my husband's "madonna complex", under all the raging hormones... but you know what??.... I'm still in there. Oh thank you God. I was worried. I know I'll climb out of this in time and now I know, I'll be me.


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

In which nothing much occurs...

..except for the baby having hiccups today. Weird feeling to have something living and hiccup-ing inside of you. Other than that... um... nothing.

The other day Bart and I were reminiscing and I recalled that when I was in high school I had a penchant for hitting boys in the stomach... hard. Why is that? I thought it was funny. They never really complained either (stupid machismo) and they still bought me shoes and brought me lunch that they had their mommies pack extra for me. Um... that's just WRONG. I never really thought about it before. I will warn my son against girls that hit boys in the stomach and still expect for him to buy them stuff. I will warn my daughter not to hit boys in their tummies.

As horrible as all that sounds. I was a nice person. I really was. I will redeem myself in a future post, for now, think I'm as horrible as that sounds. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I just hated them but wanted their attention anyways. Hormones are a horrible, terrible, awful thing when you're 13 and 14.

I don't hit any boys now and I don't expect them to buy me things unless I'm REALLY nice. ;o)

I've been nice lately right?

OK, maybe I could be a little nicer.

Signing off...