Thursday, September 30, 2004

Miscellaneous Ramblings...

Have I ever talked about all the blogs I read every day? It all started with - I read that everyday - then I started reading all of her the blogs she lists on her website. My favorites being Tertia's , , , and . I really enjoy a lot of the blogs listed in her Blogs aplenty list as well.

So, if you haven't checked them out, go ahead and do that, but come back here when you're done.

I'm really in crisis mode about s.e.x. in my marriage. SERIOUSLY. I need it, I figure he needs it, but it's just not happening. I am actually mourning about this. I DON'T LIKE IT. More, I don't like what it could lead to. Are we going to turn into THAT couple? Makes me water up just thinking about that possibility. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT. Let me clarify, sure I could if he were mangled and couldn't, sure I could if for some reason I lost my necessary parts, but barring that, well, it's just too important not to do. So, how does a puffy, big-bellied, not-as-attractive-as-I-wish-I-was woman try to seduce her husband who is just not feeling it? Waaaaaaaaahh.

I love this baby but I hate this body and what it's doing to me.

On a more positive note, I really am excited about the upcoming ultrasound on the 13th. I hope the baby is cooperative and will give us a good look see so we know how to start shopping. I can't wait to buy some cute baby stuff.

I have to get some work done before they figure out that I'm addicted to all things blog and take it away from me. Bastards.


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Still gagging and other pleasantries....

WHAT is going on?? Why am I now 5 months pregnant and still gagging, fighting nearly every morning to keep from puking. I'm so TIRED of that. It will be so nice to eat and drink whatever I want, to not have to rate it on the nauseous scale first.

I got one of those snoogle pillows or whatever they're called. They're enormous pillows for pregnant women that are curved and long and you can put them in whatever position you want. I decided I love mine. I make it into a big circle and sit in the middle of it - kind of like a nest and at night I just get all entertwined up in it. It's the most comfortable I've been in a while so that's a good thing.

I'm completely self conscious lately about Bart and my lack of 'intimacy', if you know what I mean. I HATE IT. I like being with him, it's fun and good and well, it's normal to need that. I can't blame him that he doesn't see me in the same way now. Duh, I can look in the mirror. I am just really struggling with this. I respect the way he feels about it but at the same time, I want him to still want me. To clarify, he hasn't ever said anything about the way I look, just the general concerns of me being pregnant plus his feeling that I'm kind of sacred, in a way, right now, and I love that about him. But, I can't help but think that there's more to it than that - not that I wouldn't understand - I don't look good - I look round and big. I'm NOT used to this. I DON'T like it.

Did I mention I'm ready for February?


Monday, September 27, 2004

Completely Useless

I've never been much of a housekeeper. Under the close supervision (read: control) of one of my ex's I did manage to keep a sort of clean place, but it was never clean enough for him. Well, now being pregnant has rendered me completely useless. I honestly feel like a really bad wife and a really bad mother lately. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't look good. I don't 'satisfy' my husband. I don't do anything anymore except get bigger and bigger. Of course I work 10 hours every weekday and commute 2 hours every weekday too. So, I do contribute, just not in the ways I consider important. Sigh. I am not fond of this version of me. Come on February.


Friday, September 24, 2004

Blank Stare

I will share this about me, if I am sitting there with a blank stare on my face, don't ask me what's on my mind. I mean, really, you don't care to know and if I was honest with you you'd just look at me as if suddenly I sprouted a second head.

I was lunching with a couple of girls from work today and this exact scenario occured. See, one of the girls said she had brought some of her clients to this particular restaurant in the past and that one of them drank Guiness - a lot of it - and said 'cheers' a lot in a British accent. So, there began the spinning in my head.

Thought 1: I met a guy once that was from England, what was that guys name? Oh, who cares.
Thought 2: Reflected on posts made by an English blogger about his wife that was expecting.
Thought 3: I wonder if Bart would blog about becoming a father.
Thought 4: I can't wait to have a margarita again someday.
Thought 5: We'll have to get a sitter.
Thought 6: I need to get skinny.

Then the question came (as I have that glazed over look on my face) "What's on your mind?"

Proper Answer: Nothing.

Mercy. I have ALWAYS been this way. Is the rest of the world as random as all that?


Thursday, September 23, 2004

Almost 5 months

We had a doctor's appt. on the 15th and she said not to worry about the contractions unless I have more than 5 in an hour or they are coming in regular intervals. I just don't remember this with the last two kiddos.

When Monday rolls around I will officially be 5 months. That's a good thing because I feel that I'm finally catching up to the size of my belly. Honestly folks, I am ridiculously large for being this far along. Oh well.

I had been feeling good most of this week and then this morning had to make another mad dash for the bathroom. (Beth, if I could master your trick I would be a happier woman but alas, I do not think I am that talented. Plus, the aforementioned LARGE belly is somewhat prohibitive of my attempts at even practicing your advanced puking technique.)

I've been extremely cranky lately and I think that just maybe my husband has noticed. Ok, the poor thing must be ready to throttle me. I'm just having a very hard time adjusting to the new situation we have going on. I LOVE having him home (he just switched from 3rd shift to 1st shift) but at the same time - now he has to deal with me at my worst. When I'm tired at night and when I'm tired in the morning AND since he is the 3rd shift guru - the new guy doth proceed to ring our home at all ungodly hours of the a.m. That makes for one extraordinarily cranky pregnant woman. Plus I HURT. All over - I have recently added a lot of front loaded weight to my frame you see and so I NEED some help. I sit at a stupid desk all day in a "made for inmates" chair and so then when I get home last night and collapse into bed - aching from shoulders to rear - I want the hubby to rub on me a little and he "being funny" says that of course he'll rub on me, after all, I rub on him so much. WHAT???? Okay, maybe I left my sense of humor in the car - let me think about it some more... um, nope, still not amusing. OK, so don't worry about me. I'll just bear the contorting of my body, the inability to sleep, the pain and general malaise of bearing this child without troubling you - oh, and I'll certainly make some time to rub on you because you certainly MUST have a good reason for needing it too.

Deep breath. Okay, so, I was a little out of sorts on that one. In all fairness he was angry at me for being skeptical of the latest conspiracy theory about the Pentagon and the plane that did not (supposedly) fly into it. He finds my skepticism insulting personally somehow.

OK, I digress. Point is, I'm cranky. And I ache. And I'm tired.

The big point is - I love him. Thank you for giving me more than you want to while I am pregnant and crabby Bart. I really don't try to take advantage of it. Mostly, I feel I'm plowing through this like a trooper. LOOK AT ME. My body is going through hell. Can you please take it easy on me?



Thursday, September 16, 2004

I'm still alive

I haven't posted for a while out of gross frustration with Blogger. I had written a lengthy, thought provoking post and Blogger would not let me post it. So, I went on strike temporarily but I have crossed the line now and I'm back.

I had an OB appt yesterday and after waiting for the baby to be still long enough for the doctor to find it's heartbeat - there it was - that coll swish, swish sound. I don't know why I worry so much this pregnancy. I wasn't like this with the last two.

It doesn't help that I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions since week 14. The doctor says that to make them stop I should lie down and drink fluids. Ha! My doctor doesn't realize I slave away at the office for 10 hours a day and have a 1 hour commute back and forth. So, that's 12 hours a day that I just CAN'T lie down. Sigh.

Waiting to hear how my grandparents are doing afer Ivan. They live in Milton, FL which is not far from Pensacola. My poor family has had quite the summer down in FL. Note to self: do NOT move to hurricane country. Life here in Tornado alley is MUCH better. (Whatever!)

Well, back to work I go.