Monday, November 27, 2006

Much Better...

Ahhhhhh.... Wellbutrin to the rescue. Am so much better now. Feeling more connected to myself now. Not disjointed. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving at home - peaceful and filling - just the way I like it. I cooked and everything turned out perfectly and I wasn't stressed cooking it. It was just a great time.

I haven't written about baby girl in a while. She is talking up a storm - saying sentences, singing. She's adorable with a healthy dose of mischief stirred in. She sings "Tinkle, tinkle stahs, chickwar bok bok so high" What a doll baby. She also sings "Moon, moon, moon, shi-ee bite". She's a genius I tell you! :o)

That's all for now.


Thursday, November 16, 2006

As promised...

Here it is, a happier post. It took me a while to come out of cave mode. Specifically, it took me a while, some antidepressants, a drunken night of crying, and now... well, now I feel mostly better. Mostly I say because honestly, I still feel a bit disjointed and have a weird out of body kind of feeling. I hope that doesn't sound too odd but really, I've been that way for a while now and can't seem to change it. BUT... this is the happier post right? So anyways, I'm feeling mostly better. Now I just need to get my house back in order. Stacia knows that my home is generally a pretty good indicator of my state of mind. Chaotic mind = chaotic home. When I am depressed I become paralyzed and easily overwhelmed and so I do nothing. So... like me, it is a wreck. Happy post, happy post, happy post....

I have become good friends with the girl that I watch babies with during the week and I so needed that. She is doing Weight Watchers with me now, I need to drop 6 pounds. Hate the hip fat. Uggh. It's not easy for me to make friends so this is quite the headliner in my life. But you know, we've been together at least 24 hours a week for the past 3 months and never have we gotten on each others nerves or seemed incompatible at all. So nice.

Anyways, there you have it, the positive post. Will b*tch more next time.


Sunday, October 08, 2006

I'm tired.

Well, as an update from the last post, the grand total so far from the sale of those books is $812. Not kidding. What a lucky find. Wish it could be like that all the time.

Bart and I will have our fifth anniversary next Saturday. I wish that it wasn't next Saturday. Why? Things are rough right now. Really rough. I don't want to get into it. I'm sure we'll get through it, we always do but I'm tired and that makes it harder you know, when you're numb.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

It sucks.

Happier post next time, I promise.


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

In the money...

Well, a little bit of it anyways. Today I went to the local resale store and saw a whole shelf full of brand new law and business text books. Some still shrinkwrapped and all 2006 or 2007 editions. So, I picked up 8 of them and thought, "I just paid out the wazoo for MY textbooks so maybe someone will buy these from me." I paid .25 each for them. I came home and listed them on and within 45 minutes, I sold 4 of them for a total of $299. Yep... sweet. So, I went back and bought 8 more. Not a bad deal huh?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Enthusiasm vs. Determination (or "Last Semester vs. This Semester")

Yeah. I'm hating this semester so far. I think it's just because I started too many things at once and now I'm overwhelmed. So this is where the enthusiasm ends (wow, that was short-lived) and the determination kicks in.

I don't have a great track record when it comes to finishing things - it's something I really hate to admit. However, that black mark on my record has made me all the more determined to actually come away with a diploma someday. I will. If I hate it every damn day, I swear, I will. Hate is a strong word. Let's just say that I really, really, really, really don't want to pick up the Art History book. (Which is what I am supposed to be doing now, by the way.)

So, with much determination, I back away from the keyboard. I will write again after I read the next 2 chapters and write my papers.


Saturday, September 02, 2006

Anyone have some toothpicks...

with which I can prop open my eyelids? These days the theme of my life is "sheer exhaustion". Bart and I procured a new minivan... oh yes, we have entered the borg for sure. To pay for said minivan I have secured a "little" job where I take the baby with me and help out a couple of ladies with their in home daycare and preschool.

I really like it more than I thought I could and cope better than I thought I could. Good news since I recently changed my major to Education and have thus decided that working with kids will play a large role in my future. So, that being said, in addition to my college classes this semester, one online and one on campus for 2.75 hours on Thursday nights, and my "little" job, I have 16 hours of student teaching to fulfill, this in addition to everything that always has made my life chaotic in the past, none of that has gone away.

Soooooo.... I'm sleepy. Pray for me folks, that's all I can ask. I need it.

Francesca is 18 months old now and is taking to the new "little" job well and doesn't mind the little babies very much at all. Oh, her new funny thing is that she likes this one air freshner commercial and she walks around making sniffing noises and saying "nice", just like the commercial. She is a real character.

Jacob is in baseball practice now, I guess the season starts next week. Morgan is full of vinegar these days and I don't imagine that will be changing anytime soon so I need to figure out how to adapt and overcome on that front. She's looking less and less like a girl and more and more like a young woman and people are starting to notice and I just want to lock her up for the rest of her life. Uggh. God help us all. Literally.

Well, this post required most of my remaining brain juice for the day and now my forehead has a big flashing sign on it that reads "recharge battery immediately or lose all saved work", and so, I think it must be bedtime. So... very... tired...

Night night,

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Back to school...

Not me (yet) but the kids are back in school. So far, so good. I am starting to get back into a routine again which is just impossible with them home during the summer. As I type, Francesca is down for an afternoon nap and I have done some housework. Bart's parents are stopping in for a quick visit on their way back home - they had to come into "the city" for some doctor's appointments today.

Monday I started going to the gym, Tuesday I did an hour long cardio and weights class and by Tuesday night I HURT. So, I took Wednesday and Thursday off to heal up. Tomorrow I have a free consult with a Personal Trainer to tell me what I need to do to get my squishy butt and thighs into shape.

Bart has been working really hard, not only at his job, but on some freelance stuff as well. He is banking pretty well on that freelance job as they keep adding more and more to his to-do list. The extra money will come in handy but I miss my pirate hubby.

I am meeting with a lady on Friday that needs some part time, flexible hours help with her in-home childcare. If I got that, it would bring in a little extra cash as well.

'Cesca's new word is "Pway" - for play, of course. She thinks I'm taking her to playgroup or the play area at the gym every time I load her up in the car. She can say a lot of words now... including the "Momma" I hear her saying now. She woke up from that little nap. Oh well.

Well, I guess that's about all the update I have for now.

More later...

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

What I'm NOT Doing...

1. studying
2. writing research papers
3. reading textbooks
4. taking exams

That's because I am sooooooo done with this semester. Will get my official grades on the 14th. It's nice to be relaxing in the evening.

Kiddo updates:

Morgan got a visit from a "friend" yesterday for the first time. She's ooged out for sure but not surprised and I.... well, I'm old.

Francesca got her little chubby sausage leg stuck between the rails on her crib yesterday and I had to grease her down with baby oil and pry apart the wooden bars with my super human mommy strength to get it out. Poor little pumpkin was in hysterics. Nice big bruise there now but she is ok.

Jake starts baseball for the first time. His first practice is on Saturday... at 12:30... for 2 hours... the temps are over 100 here now. I just can't even wait.


4 more days until school starts!!!


Monday, August 07, 2006

Too Much Drama for this Momma...

Things since Thursday have been a whirlwind. Remember the surgery Jake's dad had? It was a good thing that he had those problems with the anesthesia because they admitted him for observation. By the time I saw him on Friday his eyes were rolling back in his head and he was on oxygen and an IV, when I saw him on Saturday, he had no color at all. They finally did a CT scan and showed internal bleeding - they had to give him 6 units of blood - which brought his blood level up to 9 - supposed to be 13 I believe. His doctor made me the contact person as Jake's dad had nodded his consent to that and so I was fielding calls from the doctor, I had to contact his family to tell them what was going on and to tell them to get up here to take care of him because he was scared and alone and completely unable to do anything for himself and ... ummm... that's just not my position with him anymore. So, they finally did arrive on Saturday night. He will probably be released tomorrow if all continues to go well. What a fiasco.

Bart is down to 229 and looks DAMN good, if I do say so myself. Guess it's time to get my size 4/6 but squishy backside back in the gym - gonna need to be strong to walk around behind him swinging a big baseball bat to keep all the girls away. Seriously though, he is looking and feeling great and I'm very proud of him for taking care of himself like this.

I submitted my final research paper tonight for Philosophy. All I have left is my Final Exam that I have to take by Thursday and my first semester back in college will be done! One down, a jillion to go.

Finally.... ONLY 6 MORE DAYS UNTIL THE KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL.... What I won't miss.... "Mom, I'm bored."


Thursday, August 03, 2006

Carb loading and other dubious signs....

Hey folks! It wasn't the studying that was making me consume chocolate. Any guesses? That would also explaing the impulsive french bread purchase and the meals consisting of cinnamon toast. So.... that would make today day number 2 which is always, ALWAYS, the day from hell as far as cramps. Come on menopause - I'm ready to be done with this "friend"... hey another "friend" that (say it with me).... SUCKS.

In other, and certainly more important news, Jake's dad had what was supposed to be outpatient surgery today for kidney stones and ended up not breathing on the table and vomiting while under anesthesia. I think he's alright now, we talked with him, but it was scary for him for sure. They admitted him and are observing him. He told me today that he thinks he is moving to Austin. Much of what he says is going to happen doesn't end up happening so we will see but it raised some questions for sure. He says that "when" he moves he will still come up and get Jake the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. That's my worry though, that he won't. Would break Jake's heart which, in turn, would break mine.

Francesca was cantankerous today. Consistently. After I got her out of the bathtub tonight I dissolved in tears (see paragraph 1) and Bart took her and put her to bed so I could compose myself before starting in on another late night of studies and exams.

Well, more tomorrow.


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Stuffing envelopes and stuffing face...

This morning I went up to Morgan's school to assemble and stuff 900 orientation packets. That was about 2.5 hours of monotony but I really didn't mind. At least there was some adult conversation. The stuffing face part comes into play right about..... now. I have to get started on my research paper, write another paper on Wittgenstein, and then prepare for my Computer Final. So, of course, I must have chocolate.

On a final note, don't you LOVE it when you are so looking forward to that much needed cup of coffee and you scald your entire mouth with the first sip then rendering the remaining coffee (and chocolate - d*&# it all!) tasteless? Oh, I do so love that. It's almost even better when you do it with pizza.

I'm off to do my due diligence. Send me study vibes.


Reach out and touch someone...

In light of my "people suck" revelation, I am either:

A. Attempting to prove myself wrong


B. Attempting to defend my position.

I have done two things in the past two days to research my position:

1. I posted to a local community board about the difficulties of making new friends as you age, come to find out, there are a lot of people feeling the way I do - so I am arranging a couple of get togethers to see if any of us want to feel that way in the company of each other!

2. Tonight, while in a mandatory chat with my classmates, a lady and I "stayed over" to continue to chat. She has only been in the country since last June and she hasn't made many friends since she is 34 and she doesn't have much in common with the youngsters with whom we go to college. So, I stepped outside of my comfort zone again and proposed we have coffee and she proposed we go walking and we swapped phone numbers.

I'm kind of proud of myself.

In other news, big huge HUGS to my un-sucky friend Stacia. I'm holding you, even in absentia, dear. It's going to be okay soon.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Wife, Mother, Plumber

Today I accomplished a few things

1. Fixed the toilet - I went and bought the new parts but somehow one part was not going to fit so I did what anyone else would have done.... I got out the hacksaw. I sawed off part of the metal arm and voila! the part fit, the toilet works, the husband is happy.

2. I finished another Philosophy paper - I chose to write about Nietzsche's theory of duality relating to Dionysus and Apollo. I used the book "The Secret History" by Donna Tartt (a must read, by the way) as my example.

3. I made a chicken pot-pie (diatetic, of course) from scratch. Not bad but will someone please tell me how to make chicken that isn't chewy? (Other than in the crockpot - even I can do that!)

4. I got the kids to help clean up a bit and endured the whining that enevitably preluded that miraculous event.

5. I finished off a bottle of Chardonnay. (Relax, there was only a glass left. Okay, a glass and a half. Wait, how much is a 'glass' anyways?)

Is anybody reading this blog anymore? Say "hi" if you're still around.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Plan B - Part II

I think this would be a great thing and I'm so glad the FDA sees the benefit in it.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

My boy came home!

Jake was gone for about 2.5 weeks and that was FAR, FAR too long. His dad brought him home today and we ran up the sidewalk towards one another and I scooped him up in an enormous bear hug and refused to put him down. Wow, have I missed that boy. Francesca was so happy to see him - she has been very confused - walking around saying sadly "Bubba, Bubba, ee-ee-oooo" which, of course, means "where are you?". It was a rough couple of weeks. True to form, Morgan and Jake were fighting again within 2 hours. Ay-yai-yai. I did NOT miss that. School starts back for the kids on August 14th and frankly, I just can't wait.

I am nervous about MY fall semester though - I'll be taking Spanish I and Business. The business shouldn't be overly challenging but that Spanish class makes me nervous. Surely I can learn a second language, right? I've just never tried.

As a follow up to my last 2 posts - people suck.

In other news, I'm hoping to join a Moms of Preschoolers group if they have room for another baby Francesca's age. She has GOT to learn to relax around other people. She hates the nursery at church and we invariably have to get her out at some point. That and I would really like to meet some other moms and see if I can find one who might just not SUCK.

Stacia, please come home now. This whole doctorate in Wisconsin thing/travel to Russia thing/married in Virginia thing is getting old. Let's have a slumber party and talk until neither of us make sense anymore and make ourselves sick on brownie batter. Let's be 14 again. In other words... missing you kiddo.

Supposed to be writing a paper for Philosophy right now...

More thoughts on being a "bad" friend....

Those that know me know that I am nurturing up to the point where it becomes enabling and then, I'm just not nurturing anymore. I thought more about the email that I sent to my friend and although it was harsh, it was evidently out of concern and care and love. I was concerned with it's abrasiveness enough to address it to her before she had a chance to bring it to my attention and I think that just shows MORE evidence of the nature of the message. I received a one word reply from her stating "forgiven". Okay, that is great. But if all I get now is one word replies and if she won't talk with me any more... what is the point?

I actually feel that now this is her test. I was not as sensitive as I should have been. I asked her to forgive me. If I am not allowed one screw up - well, I guess that eliminates the possibility that this ever was a friendship.

Thank God for Stacia. We love each other warts and all (figuratively of course - both of us are too gorgeous and divine to have ACTUAL warts) and I don't know what I would ever do without her. We have done our share of pissing each other off and yet, I would fight all forces to keep her.

Making new friends is exponentially harder after high school. What are your theories on that? I have some, but I'd like to hear others.

Glad I have ONE friend...


Thursday, July 27, 2006

The bad friend dusts off the treadmill...

I got the treadmill into operational status again today. Just ran/walked a mile. Will try to increase that next week. Really, something must be done about my a**. It is too big and not perky enough. Would like to whip my abs in shape too.

In other news, I am sad because I pissed off a friend of mine. She has some serious health problems and usually I know how to be sympathetic - this time, I screwed up. I gave her the "suck it up" speech. She ALWAYS sucks it up. It was not what she needed to hear. Hopefully I get brownie points for throwing myself under the bus before she had a chance to do so and she'll forgive me. If not... well, that would just suck.

I'm off to nurse a glass of wine and fix some dinner.

A bit anxiously,

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Did it.

I did figure out a relevant example from my last post. I finally came up with the scene from "O Brother, Where Art Thou" (a great movie, by the way)where Pete was supposed to have been turned into a toad. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go rent the movie. "We thought you was a toad." Anyways, it was a good example.

I also did a detailed analysis on the Theory of Beauty according to Plotinus and I was so thrilled to get my professor's comments - he said (and I quote)

- very nice, substantial, and well structured thesis – perfect!
- great content
- great structure
- if you do not have any objections, I’d like to use it as a sample outline for future classes

Yay, I did a good job!!

Well, no sense basking in that too long - I have 3 chapters to read tonight, 2 quizzes to take, and another paper to write.

In other news, Bart has now lost 20.6 pounds. He is doing so well. Or, rather, I am doing so well at feeding him healthy foods and he is doing well not sabotaging it. I'm proud of him.

Jake is down in Beaumont visiting his dad's family - this is day #13 and it has been TOO LONG. I miss my boy. He is so precious. He is a very good boy - so polite and well behaved and funny and just tender hearted. I can't wait for him to come home. We all miss him a lot.

Morgan is beginning her scuba diving courses this weekend to obtain her certification. She is both nervous and excited. (So am I for that matter.)

'Cesca is a little imp. Such a cutie and so bright. She is just a little chatterbox now and she parrots much of what we say.

I'm blessed with beautiful, healthy, well-balanced kids. God willing, that's just how they will stay.

Well, I have to hit the books again.

Until later,

Thursday, July 20, 2006


For hours today I have been trying to write my damn philosophy paper. Someone please give me a modern example from a movie or tv where one thing seems to cause another but in reality, it is simply coincidence. For instance, I cough and the light fixture falls down. My cough didn't make the light fixture fall, it fell because someone didn't install it properly. You get the gist. Good Lord, someone please help me because I am obviously brain dead to this right now. I am backing away slowly from the philosophy book and will now go and take my BCIS exam.

Prying fingernails from Philosophy book,

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Don't count me out yet!

I've been neglecting my blog lately. I guess it just hasn't been a priority lately. I need to get back in the habit of posting though as it helps me focus a bit. I guess it kind of got lost in the shuffle that my life has become this summer. Summer is hectic anyways, even when I was working it was that way. Now that I stay at home, this is my second summer to do so, you can quadruple the chaos. Add to that the fact that I have started college again after... oh, a 12 year hiatus, you can pretty much say that I am just figuring out new ways to stay afloat. I have a big glass of wine while cooking dinner and then I stay up late with a pot of coffee doing my schoolwork. Don't get me wrong, I am loving this so much. I'm so glad that these are the things that I have to stress me out now. In other news, Bart decided he had enough of getting chunkier and decided to try out Weight Watchers (loosely - I just feed him based on WW and track points, etc.). He has lost 13 punds in 2 weeks. Sickening how guys can do that isn't it? When Bart and I met, talk about a physical attraction. My mouth literally watered and I couldn't speak (believe me that's rare). If Stacia hadn't gone and brought him to me to dance with... well, where would I be today? Thanks Stacia. Anyways, you know how you get nice and cozy in a relationship and um.... eat? Well, we did and we both changed. Me primarily because of this last pregnancy although I have had a few up and down weight swings of my own - usually 8-10 lbs one way or the other. Bart, well, see the aforementioned eating comment. Bart is prone to addiction and tends to transfer. If it's not one thing it's another and the latest thing was eating. It sure would be nice if we both could get back to looking like we did when we first met. Although, I have to say, I am truly glad that we have changed the way we did. We are a lot more secure in our relationship knowing that it was never just physical. Now if I could just motivate myself to get off my (flabby) butt and exercise. Why do I hate it so much??? Well, I've rambled enough and need to get back to my research now. I hope to update more.

Big sighs,

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Plan B

I went to Planned Parenthood today to pick up Plan B and I can't even tell you how grateful I am that it is so readily available. I am in absolute favor of it being OTC. I think if it were kept behind the counter with a required consult with the pharmacist, that would make sense.

It is not a primary form of birth control, but it is so nice to not have to worry needlessly about an untimely pregnancy occurring when your primary form of contraceptive fails. To me it's a miracle.

This is the second time that I have had occasion to use this. The first was about 5 or so years ago and I was going through Arizona on business the night after my hubby and I had a condom break. I called the ER as it was late and spoke to a nurse who snidely told me that they don't kill babies there. No, I'm not kidding. I went anyways and the doctor, in fact, did prescribe Plan B for me and was shocked to hear what the nurse had said. What if I had been 16? I would have been devastated by the nurses comment and probably would have done nothing. I might have then become pregnant, etc.

This time was smooth... and I am thankful.


Sunday, March 26, 2006

Never make the time...

I hate how I've let my blog gather dust but I just never seem to make the time. When I don't have a kiddo underfoot, I just have other things I'm doing. Where to begin... the baby has 5 teeth now and her 6th just cut through the gum. She is walking more and more but crawling is still her primary mode of travel. She says bye-bye, hi, boo (for blue), eyes, shoes, wow, yes, and most recently what sounds a lot like no. She points at everything she wants us to name or get for her. Her biggest news is that she sleeps! in her own bed! all night long! without waking up! and she is weaned completely. That means that mommy gets to start Wellbutrin again as soon as she can get insurance. The angels sing. Wellbutrin... good stuff. The hubby and I had been going through a rough spot - lots of screaming, fighting, and name calling (that one was his). I'm hoping it has all passed. Let's see... what else? Oh, I turned 32. Big whoopdeedoo. I'm old. Hate that. But hey, I'm younger than I ever will be again, right? Morgan got the part as lead diva in her school play. Jake will play a rapping weed in his. They are both duly excited and I am excited to see them do it. I am wanting to start school again. I get easily frustrated when trying to find a school that will meet my scheduling constraints and not leave us in the poorhouse to boot. What else? Guess that's about it. Exciting life I lead huh? Well, gotta run. Kid about to be underfoot again.


Monday, February 06, 2006

Baby update...

Francesca got her 4th tooth in today. Her 3rd came in the 1st week of January. She stands on her own frequently now and she took her first step on February 2nd but hasn't taken another since then. She says "buh-bye", "zes" for yes, nods and shakes her head. She is a genius, that baby of ours. :o) She will be one on the 17th. Hard to believe!