Friday, November 14, 2008

As the seconds tick away marking the close of 2008....

I say "Good Riddance". I have hated 2008. One of the worst years I've lived through.

On to a new year - FAST. Let's just hope I learned some things.

I read a quote today by some blog commenter "insight is a booby-prize and character is hard-won". Oh, so true.

Brushing the dust off and moving on...


Edited to remove the superfluous cursing.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Bart, Bart, Bart... What am I gonna do with the boy?

Time is an investment. Commitment is a sacrifice. Those are facts. Let me do a quick recap of Bart and of our entirety. Dramatic. Is that brief enough? Not in the sense of drama-queen type drama. More in the sense of "The Perfect Storm" type drama.

We came together at a time where I had no business being with him, much less falling in love. I was married. To a man that had been incarcerated for 4 years. Ugh. I told Bart on our first date and he didn't run away. Told him that I had two children. Still, he didn't run. Hmmm, interesting.

Clearly, my first marriage was doomed. Even so, I'd be remiss to say that I did not care about my first husband and his feelings. It deeply disturbed me to have to divorce him, even under those circumstances - or especially under those circumstances - either way. However, the wound there was too deep to suture and we simply bled to death.

So, back to Bart. Bart had a troubled childhood. That is a story for him to tell. He then escaped from family, etc. when he joined the Navy. He did sailor things and lived a sailor's life. He did fall for one woman in a serious way but he was too immature for a commitment and he ended up leaving her very abruptly. After 5+ years in the Navy things didn't work out for him the way he wanted in the Navy and the relationship being over, he seemed to be back to zero.

He went to his mom's home and drank a 12 pack nightly for six months. Didn't know what direction to go and didn't like where he was. He moved away to go to school. Good move. Made next to nothing and lived like an animal. Got a break working at a job that taught him some good marketable skills but it paid him a pittance.

He had visions of a better life. In a better place. Wanted to be a player. Guy stuff, you know? Found a job here and moved to Dallas - that was about 2 or 3 months before I met Bart at a club. Then his dad died. Hard for anyone. Harder perhaps when you had a childhood such as Bart's. Anyways, with me came the death of the dream of being a player.

That's where I come into the picture in a big way. I am not much of an animal lover but show me a wounded human, and I'm all over that. So, I wanted to be there for him and I was. Then things got worse. Again, that's his story to tell. A personal tragedy. All I thought of was what if I was going through what he was going through? I knew I would need someone to lean on in a big way.

All the while, he gave back to me too. Lavished me with affection, attention. Bart is honest to a fault and I think that is one of the best qualities that anyone can posess. He took on my life as if he just simply knew he belonged here and vice versa.

Aside from the pain of loss, the other personal trauma, etc. Bart had carry-over issues from his previous relationship that he brought with him. He was paranoid. He was angry. He was restless. He was ready to jump. He also had the carry-over issues from his childhood. When no one else believes in you, it's harder to believe in yourself. I was patient as I could be without being a doormat. Bart respected my right to be angry when he was out of line. I acknowledged the fact that I would have to be patient with him. He needed healing.

Despite all the drama and pain - I was always so totally in love with Bart. I've said many times that one of the reasons that I feel this, and only this, relationship has lasted so long is that I am never EVER bored. Both Bart and I are warriors. He will tell anyone that I use words the way that soldiers wield guns and that I do "ninja-mind-tricks". Bart doesn't have sophisticated weaponry - he gets loud and says hurtful things. But, no matter how we run from one another, we have some type of elasticity between us that snaps us back together.

There is no doubt in my mind that Bart is my great love. All that being said, the man wears me out like no other. I'm sure he would say the same of me. In fact, he has. No matter, I sometimes wonder where we will end up. If we will come upon some issue that neither of us will back off of and end up running each other off. And if that happened, then what? He'd come back. I'd want him back. It's just the way we are. I think that until God takes one of us, we will probably be sparring it out. Why? Because that's what we do. Because we've tried the calling-it-quits before and we were unbelievably, desperately miserable and knew we would figure it out somehow.

And because there are so many good things there too.

He is a wonderful provider. He has worked so hard to become that for us and I can't appreciate it any more than I do.

He is so in love with his daughter and adores the big kids who he just came along and assumed the role of, if not father, then underappreciated parental figure. He is a great father and step-father.

He does not nit-pick at me in the least. I mean never. Not at all. I have major flaws. I can't keep my house clean even if I am home all the damn time. I am not one to let the opportunity for an argument pass. I have to admit that - I'm easily baited. While I don't nag, I am vocal about how I feel he can do better. I'm sure that can be annoying. I tend to be a bit too inside myself sometimes. That's no good for either of us in the end.

The Bart that is today is nearly unrecognizable from the Bart that was 8 years ago. I've earned his trust the hard way. While he is still not one to pass up an opportunity to be angry, it's not the same as it used to be.

Anyways, when Bart and I decided to marry - I knew just ONE thing. If it wasn't going to work... it would NOT be my fault. Now I realize that it's never just one person's fault... ever. After all, you allow a person to treat or not treat you well. I have been faithful, loyal, and about 95% of the time, I feel like I'm doing the best that I can. Again, I know that Bart can say the same thing.

So, as Bart and I approach our 7th anniversary, and we're at a difficult pass, I've decided that I will just have faith in Bart and give the man the benefit of the doubt. The time he's given me so far has just about earned him that... just about :o).

What I mean is this, maybe all this new garbage is really about the work stress.... maybe. So, let's see what happens when that all goes away. I'll just have to wait to see. In any case, he's my husband. I'm his wife. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the man loves me and he knows the same of me. The future, well, no one knows that but God and He's not giving us any sneak previews.

I've decided to take care of me. It's what I've believed in all along and I honestly believe that no one should lean entirely on any one other person for their strength, their meaning, etc.

So, all that to say this - I will define me. I will be here but I will define me. And in the end, I'll be damned if this marriage falls apart on my watch. If he decides to go then God go with him but as long as he is here then I'm here too.

Who ever said love was easy? To add to that, what dumb ass gets married thinking it will all be roses and champagne and vacations and poetry and soft slow kisses? So, okay, maybe this is "the worse" part of our marriage. All we have is up from here. Right? It's a theory anyways.

Well, that was quite a diatribe. I think I formed my position as I wrote it. Cathartic.

Here's something I'm clinging to and it's a good read for all married folk too:

Hanging by a thread dangling over a cliff, as it turns out, seems to be better than freefalling when you let go of same thread. Hmm... who knew?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

NO WAY!! There's life outside of family?!

Bart was a nice hubby today and let me go hang out with my friend Lyns for FOUR whole hours. We ate lunch, got drinks, went to see Hancock. It was so unusual but really, really great. Good therapy for the both of us tirelessly trudging mommas.

Hancock was a good movie. We enjoyed it. It had Will Smith in it and that's always a plus.

In the way of other movie reviews: Bart and I watched The Bucket List the other night. It was so great. You have to watch it. At the end, there was a song I liked too - It was John Mayer's "Say what you need to say".

That's all for now...

The question...

grand love comes tied up in pretty packages
topped with bows
they have balmy meetings and dewy partings
and a giggling of happenings to link them

what then of tragic and thunderous convergences that bind two
so indelibly that there is no shaking
no parting except with a knife - surgically or in the tradition of the corner butcher
no matter, either demise will be wretched
with no numbing to be had for the begging

what then do we two have?

Friday, July 11, 2008

When you drop the ball... Pick it up.

Profound isn't it? Okay, maybe not so profound...

I'm back in school starting in the Fall. I took a hiatus for the past 6 months. Wish I hadn't, but it is what it is. I'll be taking Astronomy and Compensation and Benefits Management. Quite the combination isn't it?

Bart accepted a perm position in Las Colinas. The money is less since he will no longer get the premium rates of being a contractor however, at least he won't have to worry about getting a new assignment every 3-6 months and we will have better and more affordable benefits. Don't get me started on the shortcomings of our healthcare system...

Anyways, that's all the news for now.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Just some random thoughts...

Random Thought 1:

I read an article that got me to thinking about the various ways in which love is demonstrated. Sometimes it's so obvious, a marriage, a commitment, the better and worse thing, spending time together, affectionate displays. This is the love that I'm fortunate to have with Bart.

But sometimes it's contradictory. It's a pulling back, it's staying out of the way, clearing the way for the other person to make choices free of the burden of your love. Still, it's love. There aren't a lot of feelings that can be demonstrated in diametrically opposed ways and yet be the same exact emotion. At least I can't think of many.

When I was at my Grandpa's funeral - the women of the family were talking about it too. We were also talking about what we would do if we lost our spouse - to death or otherwise, and what we would want them to do.

I told Bart - I would want him to remarry if he wanted that. I, however, don't think I would ever marry again. It almost falls into the category of been there, done that. I love Bart - we've been through it all. I hope we grow old together and are happy. If that can't happen then I just want to live life on my own terms. I know he'd understand that too.

I have so many things I want to do. Preferably, by the grace of God, with Bart. If not, then I'll do them alone.

Here is what is on the very top of my list of things I will have to get done before I die...

I won't dance - I'll slowly spin around with my arms extended - inhaling and exhaling - and smiling....

check it out...

Random Thought 2:

When my youngest daughter starts Kindergarten, I will have a child at 3 different campuses. One in Elementary, one in middle, and one in high school - stellar planning on my part!

Random Thought 3:

My husband, Morgan, and I stayed up late last night watching 80's videos. It was awesome. I have never been one to have celebrity crushes... well, except for BILLY IDOL (ok, and Brendan Frasier but that's different). Oh man. Anyways, it was fun to sit up and watch all those videos and Morgan even said she understood my crush. Nice not to be weird for a moment in the eyes of your teenager.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Miscellaneous nothing...

Ever felt so many things in such rapid succession that there is no good way to describe it in writing or otherwise? That's me right now. I wouldn't even know where to start. I wish I felt more stable right now. I'm sick of even trying to think about it really.

We are leaving tomorrow to go see Bart's mom. She had a kidney transplant a couple of years ago. Then had a knee replacement a couple of months ago. She has had terrible infections from it and is in the hospital again, having had the knee removed to attempt to clear the infection. It is looking promising now but earlier in the week it seemed that amputation may be a real concern. So, we're being hopeful. Apart from being tragic, it would also be just plain odd. Bart's dad was a double amputee due to injuries he received in Vietnam. He passed away in 2001. Anyways, we're hoping for a full recovery for his mom.

Other stuff:

Tuesday I finished reading Leap of Faith: Memoirs of an Unexpected Life by Queen Noor. It was a great book that I would recommend. It was interesting seeing historical events through her eyes.

Yesterday I also finished Three Weeks with my Brother by Nicholas Sparks which was really good. You just never think about the challenges other people have faced in their lives. It is an autobiography that details out the great losses he has experienced in combination with the good things that have happened in his life. It was a good read.

Now I've started reading Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. Looks like a slower read but it's not very long. Hope to get that read by tomorrow.

I also found a cool website that I like this past week. It is Some really great topics for women with some really great comments. I'm enjoying reading through it.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Rest In Peace Grandpa Eddie

My Grandpa died on Father's Day. Two weeks short of a fabulous bash, a reunion of sorts, that our far-reaching family was throwing him in honor of his 90th birthday. I didn't get to him in time. For that I am sure I will always feel regret. His service was held at a small Hebrew Cemetery in Charlotte, NC.

My father had surgery the day before the service and it is crushing to him and to all of us that he was unable to attend. I stood in his stead and spoke on his behalf and as a final act of mitzvah grudgingly shoveled the dirt on his casket after it was lowered into the ground.

I placed a rock on my Grandma's headstone while I was there - she passed too soon in 1996. I also was able to visit the graves of my great grandma and great grandpa.

So, we did have our family reunion after all, sooner than expected and far sadder an occasion.

I love you Grandpa. I'm sorry I didn't make it to you earlier. Thank you for the dream. I heard you when you said "I'm fine". My hope is that you are with Grandma now and that you're not sad at all.

Saturday, June 07, 2008


It's been a long, long while since I've logged anything. This hasn't been my favorite year thus far. Too much to get into really. The best thing about this year is that my best friend is having a baby in November and we will learn the gender this next week. I'm nearly as excited about it as if it were my own baby! I just can't wait. I keep thinking boy but there's some conflicting opinions on that from her family.

My daughter Morgan has officially been promoted to high school and Jacob to 4th grade. I'm so proud of my kids. I think Morgan had 2 B's all year, the rest A's - in AP classes. Jake had 1 B all year, the rest A's. Smart kiddos. They work hard.

Morgan has a busy social life now. Far busier than my own and this year has marked the turn to competing for her time due to her endless phoning and texting. Still no boyfriends as such. So far, so good.

Bart is still working contract. After telling him last week that he had until June 30th to find another job because they were cutting all their contractors - the CIO called him in to tell him that they wanted to take him on perm now. We'll see.

Bart is dealing with a lot of stress these past few months and it has taken it's toll on him and on us. He is doing a fair amount of self-medicating in the form of beer. After being alarmed, I think I've decided just to let him ride this out without my adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to try anyways.


Anyways, I've been in a funk. I don't know how else to describe it. Trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps again and move on. I just feel a little lost I think. Not worth talking about - no point. Oh well, screw it.

On to today. I'm going to get out of here to go to Jake's baseball tournament - they have made it to the second round.

More later.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

It's raining, it's pouring...

Well, it's been proven again that yes, when it rains, it pours.

This week I:

1. Anxiously awaited bloodwork for Jake
2. Learned that Bart will be losing his job the end of next month
3. Took Francesca to the doctor - she has an ear infection and chest cold
4. Had shingles blown off of our roof
5. Faced the hospitalization and surgery to remove an infected, fused gall bladder from my dad
6. Pulled something in my back while picking up 2 weeks worth of recycling out of the field behind my house from our recycling bin blowing over on Tuesday

Now... the good news is as follows:

1. Jake's bloodwork is good - just a tad anemic - quite frankly this news made all the other "bad things" just lose their sting. We're very happy.
2. Bart has had one offer and hopefully will get a second today with at least 10 other jobs being presented to him as well
3. Francesca is on antibiotics but she's still not a happy camper
4. There's nothing good about the stupid shingles
5. My dad came through the surgery okay but will still take a while to recover - has a drain still due to all the infection
6. Back is getting better

Ah yes, fun times around here.

I believe it will all work out just fine.


Friday, January 25, 2008

A Place I Want to See: Białowieża Primeval Forest in Poland

I am currently reading Alan Weisman's The World Without Us. It is a writing about what would become of the world we leave behind should we cease to exist. I find it very interesting. In one chapter Weisman describes the Bialowieza Primeval Forest. I was captivated. So, it's been added to my "places I want to go before I die" list. Anyone up for a trip to Poland? Anyone have some cash? (Image from )

Saturday, January 19, 2008

A little less me, I'm old, etc.

Well, I'm down 3.4 lbs from last week. It's a start!

Morgan is in Vail and I'm happy to report is neither frostbitten nor broken after braving the slopes (including some black slopes) after 2 days. Today is her last day on the slopes and then she will fly home on Sunday. Will be so glad to have her back. With temps being as low as -14 up there this week, I was more than worried.

I got a letter in the mail from her future high school regarding the registration/schedule card and parent info night coming up next month. Man. My child is going into high school. MY child is going into high school. I have a kid that will be in high school. Are you hearing me? I'm not coping well.

Stacia and I got to hang out Thursday. I was so happy to get her for about 8 hours. Yay! As her blog indicated, we have lots of cool things to discuss these days. It was nice to get my "fix". Hopefully she'll post a new pic of us soon.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Just a little motivational snack...

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."- John Wooden

"Everyone who got to where they are had to begin where they were." - Richard Paul Evans

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


So I still haven't made it to the gym. Imagine that. Maybe next week. I did however, get a lot done so far this week. I hung a cabinet in the water (toilet) closet. Did it the right way with power tools, level, anchors, etc. Very impressive. Also patched up the dings and dents in the walls and have painted many of them. Put a glaze over the paint in a niche in the stairwell wall. Decided to try same glaze on the scratched up stair railing. Did the trick. Did about 6 loads of laundry, cleaned the play room (aka the un-dining room). Deep cleaned Francesca's room. Guess that's it so far.

Well, I'm off to start dinner. Thinking I'll make a rosemary garlic pork roast, sweet potatoes, and asparagus.

Tummy growling...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Fat Arse

Well, okay, maybe not totally. But dang.... didn't know how much damage I did over the holidays until I went and weighed in today at WW. First time I have had to pay in years. I am 3.6 lbs over my goal weight. Doesn't sound bad right? Except my goal weight is 7 lbs over my IDEAL weight. Which means I have 10.6 lbs to lose. Sigh. So, today I'm going to get serious about it. I've been eating pretty well but have yet to actually do any exercise at all. We just joined our new fancy shmancy rec center and I have no excuse. Actually, I have dozens of excuses, just no good ones. Here they are:

I have nothing to wear
I need new tennis shoes
I don't know how easy it will be to make a reservation for Francesca's childcare
I don't know if I will be able to get a reservation for her during the classes I am interested in doing
I have never done water aerobics but would like to
I don't know what class to take

See, they all stink don't they? Anyways, I don't have Francesca on Mondays so I will
go on Monday first and then make a reservation for her while I'm there for Wednesday.

Today at WW I saw a dear friend of mine, MG, from my career days. We've lost touch this past year. It was hilarious. We walked out to my car because I had to return a baking dish to LO, another friend of mine. MG says "oh my God, are you ok? you're driving a minivan and returning a baking dish. want to go to a bar and have a drink?" Ha!

Not that we really did the bar thing before but she sure knows that I was not any kind of domestic before - I was all business. So, I suppose I am a different evolution of myself now. Sigh. But you know, I'm actually kind of proud of that.

Well, I'm off to the store to buy some healthy crap.


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Lookie what I got for Christmas!

Look at me and my great big hug.... This beautiful hug, I mean afghan, was made for me by Stacia. Can you believe how talented she is? This was the best Christmas present! Thank you Stac! I love you and I love my blanket!!! This picture was taken about 5:30am on Christmas morning so if I look like death warmed over...well, who cares, just look at the blanket!

"The Present is Pregnant with the Future" - Voltaire

I love that quote. When I was pregnant with my children it was beautiful and awful and traumatic and serene. A wild chaos of emotions and change. All the expectations, dreams, fears, plans... it was amazing. I would ponder what my child would be like, what their birth would be like, what my evolved life would be like. I was never right. The children, they were always more fascinating, beautiful, funny, silly, stubborn, brilliant than I could have imagined. Every bit of my life harder but an important developmental milestone. Every turn in the road reveals another stretch that I never expected - a different view, a scary precipice, a gorgeous expanse.

So, if the present is pregnant with the future... Well, I expect more of the same. Unpredictable craziness and unbelievable wonder. I say, "Bring it on". I'm never ready and yet, ready as I will ever be.

The known factors of 2008 are as follows:

It will mark the end of middle school for Morgan and the beginning of high school
I will continue in my pursuit of my seemingly evasive degree
Jacob will finish 3rd grade and will start 4th grade
Francesca will turn 3 years old
Bart will either continue as a contractor at his current place of employment, be offered a permanent position, or will find another position
My best friend will most likely get pregnant and have her first child by birth
Bart and I will both turn 34
We will either move or not depending largely on whether the housing market improves for sellers
We will vote for and bring a new president into office

The rest is unknown. Guess we have to wait for the "birth".

A happy new year to you and yours.