Thursday, December 13, 2007


Is there something wrong with me? Why is my life consistently filled with stress? As it is not in my nature to be victimized I have to assume it is me, my choices, that always bring me back here. Maybe at this point I have to learn how to relax, to take things as they come, and all the other cliches that go along with being well-balanced. But how? I'm thinking I need medication. Seriously. I am already on anti-depressants. Years of trauma (again, of my own choosing) have altered the chemicals in my head. I know I NEED the anti-depressants because I know what I am like when I quit taking them. Boy, do I spiral fast. I haven't ever taken an anti-anxiety medication but I'm thinking I NEED it too. Because baths don't work. Deep breaths don't work. Counting my blessings doesn't work. I'm just stressed out. Do I have legitimate things going on that are contributing to this stress? Sure. But I can't, or am unwilling to, change them. I am taking a break next term from classes because I have been a mess this term. The workload was ridiculous and my work is not easily accomplished with a 2 year old climbing on my head. That might help me considerably - a break. The house is in disarray because my schoolwork has literally been all consuming. Anyways, guess I'm just trying to figure myself out here.


Thursday, November 01, 2007

This one is for Stacia....

Knowing you the way I do, I have a hunch you'll like this blog....


Friday, October 26, 2007

Mercy, Uncle, WTF already....

My son has f-ing chicken pox. My son who was vaccinated in 1999 against chicken pox has. chicken. pox.


Anyways, someone send me a straight jacket via airmail.


Six years

I let my six year wedding anniversary pass without a post. It was on the 14th. The past year has been challenging in a whole new way. With Francesca being almost 3, well, we just have not had a lot of time to do couple things. Before my pregnancy, we had every other weekend to ourselves. It was great. Wish we had enjoyed it even more than we did. Then after I had Francesca it was all new and exciting, we were constantly entertained by her. So what if we weren't doing exciting things, we had our own excitement right here at home. As time went by, well it was a little less enthralling but hey, it was cool. Not a real big deal. This past year has been brutal. We are so completely burned out. Kids are great, love them so very much. But Lord, we need a break in a big way. Oh, for a weekend to ourselves. Anyways, Bart, let me tell you, I never thought someone could hold my interest for six years. But you, my dear, you are never, EVER boring. I love you baby. Happy six years. Here's to at least 67 more. Some day it will be just us every weekend and what will we do then?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Creative uses of webcam:

1. See if you need a haircut.
2. Act like an idiot.
3. Post pics on your blog to show your best friend that you haven't changed at all in the 20 years she has known you.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Coins, Ambulances, & Surgeons (or "What I did Friday Night")

It was 8:45 pm. I was walking from the kitchen to the bedroom and saw Francesca cough - just a small cough. She looked up and had tears in her eyes. I asked her if she was okay. She said, and I quote, "I ate money". Well folks, that left little to the imagination. I got out the jar of coins and asked her to show me which money she ate. She pointed to the quarter. So, Bart and I proceeded to the local ER with our 2 year old collector. She was x-rayed and when the doctor asked us to go down the hall to view the x-ray we were about 20 ft. away when we caught sight of that coin stuck in our daughter's esophagus. It wasn't hard to spot. Well, it happened to be turned in the exact "right" position so as to not block her airway. They had to transport her to Children's Medical Center in an ambulance. We got her there about 12:30 am. They x-rayed her again, still stuck. The surgeon had told us before he took her back that he thought it was a penny in there, I told him we thought it was a quarter. His response was, "Ah, you never get back as much as you think you're going to get." Ha! Although I couldn't fully appreciate the humor at the moment. At 3:00am they took her in for surgery. At 3:45am she was done. It was a dime folks. I'm keeping it for posterity's sake. At 4:00am she was in recovery and mad as the dickens with IV tubes sticking out everywhere. At 4:45am we were on our way home after a very, very long night. Francesca had a sore throat and swollen lips the next day and today, she is doing fine except she is still very hoarse. So, how much do you think that dime will end up costing us? I don't want to think about it. Of course, we are ever so grateful that our baby is fine. It was a long, scary night.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

The month in which everything went wrong...

That was this past month. Ever since I started working. Everything went to hell. My husband and I fought all the time, Francesca was sick every single week with something new, Morgan got an attitude that was impossible to deal with, Jacob got in trouble (which never happens), We had an ill-fated short vacation, the house was a mess, we had no groceries in the house, our restaurant expenses more than doubled. In short, it was disasterous. So, Bart told me that nothing I could make monetarily at my job was worth all the stress. So, I'm home again. Back to wife, mom, and student. Things are leveling out again nicely. Whew.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Too sickening to do...

We couldn't do it. It was too much stress, too many red flags, just way too much, period. So, we have agreed to not even discuss it for another year. In the meantime, Francesca loves her school. Jacob and Morgan started back to school yesterday. So far, so good.

Yesterday was also Jacob's 9th birthday. That's so hard to believe that he is that old. I remember bringing home my skinny lanky precious baby boy just like it was yesterday. It was probably the hardest day of my life because I was bringing him home to raise by myself, together with his big sister. I was scared and lonely. It made me love him all the more. He was and is the sweetest boy. I couldn't have asked for more.

My classes start back up tomorrow. I'm most nervous about that. I've handled going back to work pretty well but I haven't been in classes either. I don't know how I'm going to juggle everything. Already things are slipping - the grocery shopping, the meals, the patience. Bart is already telling me that I don't HAVE to work. We shall see. I really hope to handle it all. If I can't I guess work is going to have to go, I can't and won't quit school again.

Well, I guess that's about it for now.


Sunday, August 12, 2007

Buying/Building a New Home Makes me Nauseous

Does everyone feel like this? The truth of the matter is that we have really outgrown our space. We NEED (not just want) more space. So, we have been looking for a home and I THINK we have decided to build.... and it scares me to the point of nausea. I have alternating periods of excitement and fear... in alarmingly close proximity. Ack. Excuse me while I go vomit. Will write more later.

Sunday, August 05, 2007


So, we were dancing along through my first week of work. Everything was great. Then Saturday comes along and Francesca is inconsolable. Pulling on her ear. In pain. I lost it a little bit, okay, more than a little bit. I sobbed. One week in daycare and she already has an ear infection. Fortunately, my ped offers Saturday a.m. appts and I got her in and she is on antibiotics. Bart was strong for me. I was a puddle of mush. He, of course, is right. Our older kids did just fine and went through all of the same things. So, I'm sucking it up and plowing ahead.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

The mood may never be right...

Pearl S. Buck is quoted as saying, "I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

I am about to go into Day 3 of my new job. I like the people a lot. I like the opportunity. I see the potential for me to make an impact.

Francesca loves her school so far and the teachers say she is fitting in perfectly. Jacob had a little trouble with some snot-nosed little punks but I think that is getting better. Those kids just didn't know how hot under the collar that made us. You'd just have to know Jake to understand. He's so happy and nice. Anyways, we educated him in the art of ignoring and dirty looks and things are smoothing out.

Morgan is staying home during the day and she is doing well. I work so close that I come home and have lunch with her and that is great. She has started sewing some totes on the sewing machine and is doing a great job.

Today is my Daddy's birthday. He and my stepmom are packing up and heading to Mexico today. They will be staying there for 2 months and then will swing by here on their way home in October. I hope they have safe travels and that he has a happy birthday.

I guess that's about it for now.


Friday, July 27, 2007

Ummm, it's vintage....

So, since I start work on Monday, I have had to go through my closet and see what is still wearable from my work wardrobe from 2.5 years ago, well, actually more like over 3 years ago since my work wardrobe for most of 2004 and the first two months of 2005 consisted of maternity clothes.

So, I found a couple of things in my closet that I've had FOREVER.

A GAP red long sleeve t-shirt that I've had since I was 14.
A t-shirt from a walk-a-thon I did when I was 15.
A dress I wore to a company party when I was 23.

I wondered what are the oldest items of clothing still in your closet?

What's the most useless thing you have in your closet that you will probably never, ever wear?

Mine is a pair of black cowboy boots that a guy bought me on our first date so he could take me to a country bar. I don't really do the cowboy boot thing (or the country bar thing). I wore them one other time for a western themed night at a conference I went to in Scottsdale, AZ. I keep them just in case I have another need for for western night attire.

Going back in the closet...

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Bad day to go to the zoo.

Today is my last full weekday with the kids so I wanted to do something special with them. So, I packed them up to go to the Dallas Zoo. Off I-35. In Dallas. At 9:40-ish am. You guys read much? So, that's about the time some gas plant decided to explode. Yeah. I was actually on the Dallas North Tollway when it happened and commented to my son that it didn't look good. Well, the exit to I-35 was blocked off but I didn't know what had happened and thought I could get on somewhere else. So I took some back streets and ended up on Industrial. Yeah. The street the stinking plant is on. Ended up at Commerce and Industrial with an excellent view of the whole thing. Sheesh. A couple hours later we ended up back home playing in the inflatable swimming pool in the backyard. So much fun.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The answer to the question is....

To work.

I have accepted a position that is ideal for me. It is only a couple of minutes from the house and the kids' schools. The hours are normal daytime hours. I think I'm as ready as I can be. I have signed the younger two kids up for daycare and I'm happy with my choice of schools. It seems like a pretty cool place.

In other news, I was accepted to Upper Iowa University. I will continue my pursuit of my BS in Human Resources Management. It will take a while but time passes regardless, right?

Well, that's all for now.


Sunday, July 15, 2007

To work or not to work? That is the question.

I am really quite conflicted. Part of me is very ready to return to work and the adult world. Part of me is very ready to earn money again. All of me is ready for a new house that fits us all. Very little of me is ready to have the kids in daycare again and have to make arrangements for before and after school for my oldest as well. I really don't know what to do at all. So, I'm in a quandry here. What to do? What to do?

More later,

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

I know I'm behind the rest of the pack with having JUST read this book. I'm so glad I finally did. It was a sad story but it really drew you in. What I loved most about the book was the honesty of self-reflection of the main character, Amir. He never tried to make himself seem anything but what he was, with all the unpleasant, oft hidden traits so familiar to the rest of us. It was also a very interesting glimpse into Afghani culture pre-Soviet and US wars. I will be reading Hosseini's new book soon, A Thousand Splendid Suns. I hope it "grabs" me as this one did.

Friday, July 06, 2007

A little bit of nothing...

I have nothing at all to say so I figured that I would say it here. I was going back over some of my previous years posts and thought about sanitizing some of them for readers that know me. I only have a couple of those kind of readers. Actually, since I quit updating, they may be my only readers. Anyways, I thought about cleaning it up a bit but then I decided against it. Why would I do that? It's hard to be transparent. I talked about that once. I can't say that this blog is an accurate depiction of who Camille really is... (anybody out there giggling about that sentence?) The point is this, I don't trust in the anonymity of the internet and that being said, can't be too open. Maybe some other blog in some future years and I will be able to do that. Maybe. There are some things that are kept very close to the vest and I can't see my way around that. But the absences - the things I don't say - they represent the greater part of who I am. I think that is why I don't update as much anymore, there is too much not to say. Nothing dramatic, my present is very ordinary I guess. Ach, now I'm being vague and cryptic. Whatever. It's not important.

Overall, I'm very happy. Bart and I are doing well. We both are suffering from the mundane monotony of it all but far better that than other drama. But we're bored. Collectively. I told him out of the blue the other day that he should make sure to never associate the way our lives are right now as something for which I am responsible. I took the opportunity to remind him that it was me that was always dragging him out of the house to go do this or that and see this or that. I hated sitting still, hated being stagnate. Well, I thought he should be reminded that I am still that person, I haven't changed.

Have you thought about that? I told my girlfriend that I haven't changed, I just get more and more surprised when I look in the mirror. I'm the same person. I think as a child, or even as a young adult (WTF am I now?), I didn't think it would work this way. But it does.

I love my children. I love my husband. I will continue to pour all of myself into this life. But let me tell you, I can't wait for an empty nest. Is that horrible? I want so much that I never had. That I denied myself. I exchanged youth for motherhood. It was a good trade but I want some of it back and dammit, it will be mine. Someday. Someday.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Still alive.

I AM still among the living. I can't describe the feelings behind the past few months that have made me so absent. Just that I've been pretty absent altogether I guess. I have relied on auto pilot to get me here and I can't say I've emerged from that state completely. In major news around here, Bart has a new job, Francesca is potty trained, Morgan is a teenager, and Jacob is still Jacob...a great kid. I am changing schools, considering a return to work, and just trying to keep it all together. I guess that's about it. Anyways, I'm still breathing and I just wanted to make a note of that.

Blah, blah, blah,

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Happy Birthday to You...

Hey Stacia... Tomorrow it will be 33 years since you were born and I have known you more than half of your life! Wow! You're really old you know that? Me, I'm just a youngster and won't be 33 for another 10 whole days after you. We are younger today than we ever will be again though.

You are a treasure my dear. I never could have asked for a better friend than you. Boy, you sure have seen me through some stupid times, some hard times, more stupid times, even harder times.... etc. You are a wonderful woman Stacia and I am so proud to know you and to love you and to be loved by you. Happy Birthday to my very best friend, I hope that this year brings you lots of fulfillment and peace.

Love you,

Thursday, February 15, 2007

6 years and counting

February 3rd marked 6 years since Bart and I had our first date. Stacia can tell you what a phenomenal thing that is. Prior to Bart my relationships either lasted 3 months or 3 years. Literally. So, Bart and I have doubled the longest time I ever spent with anyone else. Bart and I have had many trials, some that seemed insurmountable but we came back, plowed through, refused to give up, and determined to make it better and you know what? We really have. Bart is not the same man that I went on that first date with. Neither am I the same woman. We have aged and matured and become more tolerant of one another all the while trying to accomodate the other as best we can. I love Bart. I really do. In addition to all the aforementioned, I have to say, he still lights my fire too. I'm a very, VERY lucky woman.

So today is Valentine's Day, a date which years ago stopped being the anniversary of my first failed marriage in my head. I'm not a failure for having married and divorced the wrong man for me. My marriage was a failure, at the fault of both of us. Anyways, I digress.

The point is this, I've learned with Bart that I CAN be successful as a wife, a damn good wife. I can be with this man and love him ferociously. So I have, and I do, and I will. I look forward to the rest of our life together.

Happy 6 years.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Busy, busy, busy...

Firt of all I have to mention that I had a great day with Stacia today. It never lasts long enough but I will take what I can get! Other than that, my mom and one of my brothers came to visit the 27th through the 31st and it was wonderful seeing them. My mom's health has been poor over the years and I don't get to see her much. I hadn't seen her in 3+ years before this visit and when I last saw her it was only for lunch. It did us both a lot of good. Christmas was hectic but good and I am glad for things to return to their normal chaotic state.

Bart and I fell in love with a house and we put our names on the list to purchase the model - won't happen for a couple of years (hopefully) giving us the time we need to get our stuff in order to actually move in.

Well, that's all for now.