A little bit of nothing...

I have nothing at all to say so I figured that I would say it here. I was going back over some of my previous years posts and thought about sanitizing some of them for readers that know me. I only have a couple of those kind of readers. Actually, since I quit updating, they may be my only readers. Anyways, I thought about cleaning it up a bit but then I decided against it. Why would I do that? It's hard to be transparent. I talked about that once. I can't say that this blog is an accurate depiction of who Camille really is... (anybody out there giggling about that sentence?) The point is this, I don't trust in the anonymity of the internet and that being said, can't be too open. Maybe some other blog in some future years and I will be able to do that. Maybe. There are some things that are kept very close to the vest and I can't see my way around that. But the absences - the things I don't say - they represent the greater part of who I am. I think that is why I don't update as much anymore, there is too much not to say. Nothing dramatic, my present is very ordinary I guess. Ach, now I'm being vague and cryptic. Whatever. It's not important.

Overall, I'm very happy. Bart and I are doing well. We both are suffering from the mundane monotony of it all but far better that than other drama. But we're bored. Collectively. I told him out of the blue the other day that he should make sure to never associate the way our lives are right now as something for which I am responsible. I took the opportunity to remind him that it was me that was always dragging him out of the house to go do this or that and see this or that. I hated sitting still, hated being stagnate. Well, I thought he should be reminded that I am still that person, I haven't changed.

Have you thought about that? I told my girlfriend that I haven't changed, I just get more and more surprised when I look in the mirror. I'm the same person. I think as a child, or even as a young adult (WTF am I now?), I didn't think it would work this way. But it does.

I love my children. I love my husband. I will continue to pour all of myself into this life. But let me tell you, I can't wait for an empty nest. Is that horrible? I want so much that I never had. That I denied myself. I exchanged youth for motherhood. It was a good trade but I want some of it back and dammit, it will be mine. Someday. Someday.