We interrupt this list...

I've edited this post because the original was a bit more melodramatic than necessary.

I was young and foolish once upon a time. I slept with a married man. I became angry with him when I realized he was sleeping with others and his home life was not bad as he had portrayed it. In later years, his life went down the drain - he was doing drugs, etc. I was kind of happy. I carried a lot of bitterness toward him. I just found out he hung himself. I guess death makes a grudge entirely useless. I forgive you SM. I hope you have found the peace that eluded you here. God bless your family.

Random Facts

I'm going to try to see if I have 100 Random Facts about me... I thought I couldn't think of five so I decided to challenge myself.

1. I was born in Johnson City, TN.
2. I lived there until I was 10.
3. My mother and father divorced when I was one.
4. I never remember living with him.
5. My mother remained single until 2 months before we moved to Texas.
6. I have 1 older brother that is 36, twin half brother and sister that are 17, and a baby half brother that is 15.
7. My dad always had money and nice things.
8. We never did.
9. I had to work hard to forgive that.
10. I once had to wear plastic bags over my shoes because I didn't have snowboots.
11. My mother is the truest, best person I have ever met.
12. My maternal grandmother is the reason why.
13. Stacia is tied for 3rd.
14. I love Stacia more than some of my family members.
15. I remember what she wore on the first day of school. It was an olive green skirt with a tropical looking short sleeve shirt with earrings that look like bronze shields with a bronze feather looking thing hanging off of them and boots. (I bet she still has them)
16. We bonded through difficulty.
17. I wouldn't trade her for any amount of money. Literally.
18. I got my GED because I was too lazy to finish the TWO credits I had left - a language and an elective.
19. I regret that.
20. I doubt my ability to learn a language.
21. I regret not planning my pregnancies.
22. But would not trade the experience of birthing, raising, and loving my babies for anything in the world.
23. I regret compromising myself for the sake of a so-called relationship, time and time again.
24. I think I'm getting dumber every year.
25. I want to change that desperately.
26. I'm scared to death of getting fat.
27. I would do anything to prevent it.
28. I think my mom could have avoided being ill just by taking better care of herself.
29. I think my stepmom was ultimately a better match for my dad.
30. Even though he was sleeping with her when married to my mom.
31. Sometimes it seems I'm a bit more like my stepmom than my mom.
32. That's both bad and good.
33. I always wanted to stay home with my kids.
34. I finally got what I wanted.
35. Now I want more.
36. I am disappointed with myself about that.
37. I am also relieved that I feel that way.
38. I have an unshakeable faith in God.
39. And virtually no faith in the people that believe in Him.

I'll be back to finish this later.... baby is crying.

Camille

Still Alive...

I was in my cave for a while. A little delayed postpartum depression or something remotely related to it. I am doing much better, having emerged from aforementioned cave. While I was in my cave, Francesca got her 2nd tooth one week after the first tooth, she learned to clap, she learned to dance, she learned to wave. She is awesome. In other cave news, Bart got a fabulous new job. He was hired to program but unfortunately hasn't been able to do much of that yet - he is concerned about that but hopefully once the dust settles, he will get to do what he was hired to do. The money is a lot better so that is nice too. We both joined a gym and I have started doing Pilates - which completely kicks my ass. A lot harder than I thought it would be! Love it though. Came out of cave just in time for holiday chaos. Yippee. Anyways, just a post to say hello.

Four years...

Happy Anniversary Bart! I don't think there is much I could add to the sentiment expressed in this old email that Bart wrote to me back when we had just reached our 2nd anniversary. We've come a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way since then. Had a few really, really bad times and many beautiful times as well. Thank you for being such a wonderful father to our kids, our new precious angel included and thank you for pouring yourself, mind, body, and soul, into supporting your family. You have made this family a better entity and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you and all of the burden you have taken on yourself so that I can be home with our kids. I'll add it to the list of things I love about you.

Here is the email that Bart sent me for Anniversary # 2:

hey girl,
do you remember what it was like when you and i got married? we both lost
our jobs and we were broke. our bills piled up and we got behind on them. i
worked at (job mentioned) for 14 hours a day and didn't get paid for it. i was so
scared. then, i worked at (another job mentioned) making $9 an hour. you had to go to your
new job and work 10 hours a day. it was like whoever we were as individuals
was torn away in one swoop and we had to come together as one person to make
it through. my ego had to take a nose dive before you and i could do
anything together. working at (previously mentioned jobs) certainly took care
of that. then, i got fat. i had to figure out, with your help, that maybe
there was more to me than i thought there was before. i was a nice, loving
person. i could care about other people. i could be depended on. i could
make it through a tough situation with the use of common sense and planning
and not just on luck. i have learned to trust you more than i have ever
trusted anyone in my life. i am learning more and more everyday that there
is no ME anymore, it is US. you have helped me become a productive,
dependable, and good person.
we have come a long way since october 14, 2001. we have still, a long way to
go. i don't love money, i love you, jake and morgan. no matter how
prosperous we get, i always want to remember that. you guys are the reason i
study all night long. i want you to be able to stay home with the kids so
badly. i kind of close my mental eyes on what the odds are of me being paid
a six-figure income in the next 5 years. i just chug along like the little
engine that could and keep my hopes up.
you and i are still babies when it comes to this marriage thing. i do think
that we have our priorities straight though. i have seen couples who care
more about possessions, dirt biking, drinking, and various other things than
they do about each other. they would deny that they are like that, but if
you took away those things that they think are so important like their boat,
dirt bikes, drinking, etc, they would not know what to do with each other.
you and i could probably just rub on each other all day long and talk. we
are each other's entertainment.
i still love you so much. i love you more than i did 2 years ago. i love
your beautiful smile, your wonderful laugh, the way you wear my t-shirts,
the way your skin smells, your little perfect ears, your beautiful
earth-colored eyes, your big beautiful feet, and the way you pucker your
lips when you are looking in the mirror. you are so incredible that i cannot
fully describe you to anyone. you are my jewel.

hubby

I'm still so in love with you Bart. I'm the luckiest woman alive.

Camille

We have a tooth!!!

Tooth number 1 cut through the gum on Thursday, Oct. 6th! May be time to re-evaluate breastfeeding.... ouch.

Baby Update

Since I NEVER remember to write anything in a baby book, this is kind of my journal for keeping track of what Francesca is up to. She is almost 7.5 months old now and loves to eat Gerber Sweet Potato snacks - they look like cereal. She has no teeth yet but still will eat just about anything. She drinks from a sippy cup now but not the no-spill kind - I guess she likes the water to drip out a little into her mouth and in BIG news... she says Da-Da. She has also entered her clingy phase - it's "all momma all the time" around here lately. I'm also so happy because last night she slept for 4 hours in her crib! We're co-sleepers and when she sleeps with me she will sleep all night. I'm trying to break the co-sleeping thing gradually because she is a big old bed hog now. So for phase one I put her down for the night in her crib and then when she wakes up bring her to bed. Usually she sleeps for only 1 to 2 hours before she wakes up. So, this was a nice little change. Well, that's all for now!

Digital memories...

I love our digital camera. The only thing I dislike about it is that I NEVER get any images printed out. I love our mini-movies on the digital camera but never go back and look at them. Well, I did that tonight. Looked back at the movies and pics from Bart's graduation, when little 'Cesca was just confirmed to be in my belly. I wasn't even showing yet to the untrained eye. Bart is so very entertaining in every movie I catch him in and it reminds me of why I love him. He's an extension of me and I love how we are so comfortable with each other. Looked at all the pics from the Phoenix trip, from Christmas time last year when my belly was oh so big, etc. My children are wonderful, all of them, Jake is crazy and sweet as sugar. Morgan is so dramatic and sincere. I adore my family. What a wonderful bunch I have. Looked at pics from the hospital, from 'Cesca's first bath. I had a wonderful waltz down memory lane. Sigh. So in love with my family right now.

Uber Bitch

That's me. I am generally angry this past week and I can't figure why. It's been a long, long time since I have been so easily irritated. Have to snap myself out of it, Bart and I aren't getting along well. I can't wait for everything to be ideal or even better to start being nicer. Got to break out my Dr. Laura book again I guess. Sigh.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho...

I'm hoping that the lyrics to this tune don't become a reality for me. We keep having to dip into our savings each month and I worry that I may have to go back to work. I have so enjoyed being home with the kids that I would just hate to go back at this point. I don't know how much longer we can keep operating on a deficit though. Money has become a touchy subject with me and Bart. He requires money for cigarettes and breakfast everyday. Doesn't sound like much but it adds up. We argue. I want to reduce spending - he wants me off of his back. Seems like there is only one solution in the long run. Ideally he would get a job that he has worked so hard for and this would be a non-issue. That job is proving increasingly elusive the more and more we want it. It's a bitch. I don't know how else to put it. It wouldn't be the end of the world for me to go back to work - just not what Bart and I want. Oh well.

She's Ba-ack.........

My dearest friend in the world, weary world traveler Stacia, is back in the land of Cheese and thus, to the land of Blog. So glad to have her back on the same continent again.

The Secret Life of Bees

I just finished reading "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. I enjoyed the book - I mostly enjoyed the themes it entailed: strength of women and racial equality.

A blurb about this book from suemonkkidd.com:

In this New York Times bestseller, a young girl’s search for the truth about her mother leads her to three beekeeping sisters who take her into their mesmerizing world of bees and honey and of a mysterious Black Madonna. A novel about mothers and daughters and the women in our lives who become our true mothers. A story about the divine power of women and the transforming power of love.

Cat Camp

That was the name of the middle school orientation that I took my eldest to today. I felt oddly stirred by the fact that she is growing up. I looked around at the company she will be keeping, sat and listened about dances, football games, and watched her as she flitted about talking to any willing audience and I know, she will be just fine. I had a "passing the torch" kind of feeling. As I got back in the car I glanced in my mirror and noticed the circles under my eyes are a little darker. The crow's feet are a little more noticeable and I am letting it sink in that there is no going back.

My baby.

Big sigh.

The Rule of Four

Just finished "The Rule of Four" by Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason and I really, really enjoyed it. The first few chapters were a little hard to push through but then it hooked me until the end. The end may have been a little cliche - ending the way the reader would want it to end but... I'm glad anyways - now I want to read the sequel but there is no sequel.

Here's a blurb written by the publisher about my latest read:

"Princeton. Good Friday, 1999. On the eve of graduation, two students are a hairsbreadth from solving the mysteries of the Hypnerotomachia Poliphili, a Renaissance text that has baffled scholars for centuries. Famous for its hypnotic power over those who study it, the five-hundred-year-old Hypnerotomachia may finally reveal its secrets - to Tom Sullivan, whose father was obsessed with the book, and Paul Harris, whose future depends on it. As the deadline looms, research has stalled - until an ancient diary surfaces. What Tom and Paul discover inside shocks even them: proof that the location of a hidden crypt has been ciphered within the pages of the obscure Renaissance text." Armed with this final clue, the two friends delve into the bizarre world of the Hypnerotomachia - a world of forgotten erudition, strange sexual appetites, and terrible violence. But just as they begin to realize the magnitude of their discovery, Princeton's snowy campus is rocked: a longtime student of the book is murdered, shot dead in the hushed halls of the history department."

If I am missing...

it would be because I am locked up in Dallas county. I received a citation for failure to pay a toll for $190.... FROM 1999!!!!! WHAT???? I'm pissed because I know EXACTLY what this is for - I had gotten a new car and didn't know I was supposed to let the NTTA know that my old tolltag was now in my new car. SO, I was charged and then I contacted NTTA and they said they took care of it. So, there is no proof, nadda. Guess they got me because how am I going to contest something that happened in 1999????? Grrrrrr....

Borgfest '05

In other happy news...

Borgfest '05 has begun. This year the festival is being held at the Grand Opening of the Frisco Ikea - TODAY. I think I'll wait for the masses to clear in about a year or so before I go and partake of inexpensive Swedish meatballs AND furniture.

I'm just jealous because I have social anxiety disorder and would skitz out in the crowds. I'd be there otherwise - you know I would.

Destruction: Self and Otherwise

A person that I know well who shall remain nameless in order to protect the less than innocent: well, he is destructive. Less so than before, but still destructive. Case in point is this: car wouldn't start, someone tried to talk him down from the "ledge" by stating that "these things happen", this someone then dented the roof of his car and kicked in the wheel well a bit. The "silver lining" bit having failed, the witness to all this madness turned on her heel and went back in the house to leave the destructive person to his own little rant.

Sigh.

Camille

Baby Bunnies

Bart was mowing the lawn on Sunday and mowed OVER baby bunnies. He didn't notice them until he mowed over them and since their mommy was a good bunny and had dug a nice little hole for them, they are all just fine. Cute little buggers. Awfully cute. We looked up bunny baby stuff online and learned that bunny moms only come back once each night for about 5 minutes to nurse their babies. They're so cute and that kind of made me sad to think that's all the mommy love they get. Bart said that the mommy is probably off making more babies. Yep, probably.

Camille

New meaning to "Rockabye Baby"

As I sit here right now, Francesca is on the bed between Bart and I and is showing off!!! She is up on her hands and knees, which she has been doing for a couple of days now but now she is rocking back and forth!!!! Show off! Very, unbelievably cute! She is just 5.5 months old - SHOULD SHE BE DOING THIS ALREADY???!!! She's a genius and is destined to be an amazing athlete - that much is obvious... and I'm not biased at all.

Center of Winter

Just read "Center of Winter" by Marya Hornbacher. Was a very good read. Read it all in one day - with 3 kids running wild. Couldn't put it down.

Here's a summary I stole from another site allreaders.com...

"The Schiller family is torn apart by mental illness. The autistic-like symptoms of their son, Esau, has brought Claire and Arnold's Schiller's marriage to the breaking point and Arnold kills himself with a single bullet to the head. In the aftermath, Claire, Esau, and the youngest Schiller child, Kate, must come to terms with Arnold's suicide and learn how to piece their lives back together. Claire's best friend, Donna, is also struggling with her husband's post-Vietnam, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and its resulting depression and alcoholism. Donna's son, Davey, helps Kate to cope with the death of her father while Donna provides Claire support. When Donna's husband also comes to a mental breaking point, the two families must learn to re-define what being a normal, small-town family is really all about."
Jennifer Martin-Romme, Resident Scholar

Recommend it highly.

Marya wrote another book called Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia - not a novel, but an autobiography. Want to read that for sure now. "Center of Winter" was her first novel.

Asked for it...

Well, Beth, I did ask for topics but didn't expect the only questions I got to send me spiraling into a self-loathing depression. Thanks so very much. I'll have to wait until Stacia gets back in town to answer the 2 questions about ambition and achievement. She'll remind me of one I'm sure.

As far as who I was in the 80's... I was a little kid. I was 6 years old in 1980 and was 15 when that decade ended. But in reality, I don't remember a lot about being a kid - just that I was not all that cool and not popular and was lonely a lot. My older brother was the most popular kid in town and I was in his shadow. When I was 11 I started being "bad" - not so much for attention but for the escape that it provided.

That's also when we moved from Tennessee to Texas and then I was marginally popular. When I was 12 or 13 I started going to a private school and met Stacia, which has turned out to be one of the very best things that has ever happened in my life.

Now the 90's were a different story. I completed the 10th grade 1990, is that right Stacia? 1989? God, I'm old. They told me I couldn't come back to that school because of my drug/alcohol use. I started 11th grade by doing home school and then continued those studies in rehab at Teen Challenge in Maui.

I met Lee at Rehab and we hated each other and then we didn't and then when rehab was over after 15 months, I came home and he came to visit, and I moved back to Maui again. Then I came back to Texas to plan our wedding and I got cold feet and called it off. I can't say it was the wrong decision but I can say that I really think it was one of the worst things I've done to another human being. When I decided that I had screwed up bad a few months later, I called and he put me in my place by telling me that he was moving to Pennsylvania. I respected him for doing that but God did it hurt. Then I got pregnant.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my oldest and I was scared to death. The boy that I was with was self centered and chilly and I knew it wasn't going to work. He proposed to me when I was 3 months along and I said we had things to work on. We tried to make it work - rather, he tried his best to change me into who he felt I should be, when he failed and I decided I couldn't be molded anymore, our daughter was 2 years old. Concluding that relationship was the easiest thing I have ever done - I have no regrets on that front.

Then I was working at a company in my first sales job and was making really good money - I had a pretty normal existence for a little while and then I became friends with a couple of people from work - a guy and a girl. The guy was funny and nice to my daughter and easy to be with and when the girl got herself a boyfriend - our trio turned to a duo and after some resistance, we started dating. Even though he was 11 years older than me, even though he had a criminal trial pending from prior indiscretions before me. Then I got pregnant again in 1997 - my second was born in 1998. This time I was totally scared and really very disappointed in myself. He told me he wanted to do the right thing even though we were in the wrong situation and we were married. 42 days after the wedding he was incarcerated for 4.5 years. Needless to say, that marriage did not work out. The girl later accused me of sleeping with that boyfriend she got, so then, angry at the accusation and after their demise, I did. That was the 2nd worst thing I've done to a person. I lost a very good friend.

So then there were 2 kids and one mom and a big house, etc. Are you following this? I loved them so much that nothing else mattered and my job supported us well.

Then Stacia and I went clubbing in 1999. I saw this GORGEOUS guy and I couldn't speak, that guy was Bart and the rest is history - a new decade, a new century, a new millenium, a new life.

I have no original ideas right now...

I need topics or something...

Help a girl out.

Please.

Now.

What are you waiting for??

Camille

THIS was my day...

1. Bart took the day off of work but woke up at sparrow's fart anyways.
2. So did baby.
3. Bart woke her up.
4. Bart takes his car to dealership - is piece of crap.
5. Picked Bart up from dealership - said it won't be ready until tomorrow. (Means will be awaking at sparrow's fart again tomorrow.)
6. Came home.
7. No shower.
8. Exhausted.
9. Call from dealership. They decided we have nothing else to spend our wads of excess cash on and will then, so graciously charge us over $700.
10. Kids fighting.
11. Baby crying.
12. Headache.
13. Hairy legs.
14. That's about it.

Buh-bye.
Camille

If I die give this to the people I love...

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author believed to be
David Romano


When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,


I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.


I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.


But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.


But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.


I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.


I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had


If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.


But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.


And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.


But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.


He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew


I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.


You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.


But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?


So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Your Public Service Announcement for today... 

The things we don't say...

I keep this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I have a lousy memory and it really is nice to look back and read about how I was feeling, and what happened, and when. Secondly, I enjoy thinking that someone stumbling across my blog may find it remotely amusing. But, I must confess that it shows a picture of me that is rather 2 dimensional - and no, I don't mean literally. I mean there is a depth that is lacking in my blog that is not lacking in real life. What you see here people is a blog stripped of pain, sanitized of ugliness, and scrubbed of impurities.

The truth is, I cleanse my blog out of fear. I don't really want other people to know - not, you, my loyal readers, I don't mind letting you know, it's the people that know me in real life that just might find themselves looking at my blog. I fear transparency.

Beth and I were discussing an issue particularly close and scary in my life and I asked her to maybe write on the topic over at her place where very little seems taboo. She asked me a fair question, why I didn't broach the topic on my own little piece of turf.... it's an issue important to me and yet, I am too scared to see it in black and white in front of me.

There's a lot about me that blogland doesn't know. I was sent to rehab when I was 15 - away from all family and friends - in Hawaii. I stayed in rehab for 15 months. What no one knows is that I probably never needed it - probably could have kicked it all by myself but I wanted to be, no, needed to be, away from everyone.

I have 3 kids, by 3 different men. The man who is my son's dad went to prison 42 days after we were married and stayed there for 4.5 years. I married him because 1) I thought I could handle it and 2) I couldn't believe I was pregnant out of wedlock for the second time. I am married now to a man that I adore but we have faced the biggest obstacles, things that most never, ever have to face.

The biggest shock of all of that is that I'm a classy person from a good and decent family and am very intelligent. Somewhere along the line, I guess I decided that emotionally unavailable people were the ticket and that learning the hard way had it's merits. (I'm over that way of thinking now, btw)

Also, I NEVER have finished anything of significance that I have started. I think that's why I take mothering so seriously, I'll be damned if I screw THAT up.

So, there's a taste of the dark side. Just didn't want to leave you with that sicky sweet taste in your mouth after perusing my blog - I'm haunted and human, just like you.... maybe worse.

Pensively...
Camille

Not perpetually Father's Day...

I've been a lazy ass when it comes to posting lately. Sorry. What to write about?? Hmmm.... well, let's see, Francesca had her 4.5 month checkup and she is officially enormous! She weighs 17 lbs. 2. oz. and was 26.5 inches long and that puts her in the 95 percentile for weight, length, and head circumference too! She is so adorably cute! She likes to "talk" and loud too.

Summer is wearing me thin. I love, love, love being with the kids but I wish I could keep them better occupied and also figure out a way to keep the house clean with kids in it.

I had a spot on my shoulder that magically appeared in January and thought it looked like a pic I saw in my SELF magazine article about skin cancer so I took myself to the doctor today and he said it looked to him like a hemangioma - to me that is so strange because a year and a half ago I wouldn't have known what that was but since then it has been determined that I have a cavernous hemangioma on my liver, my daughter was born with one on her right thumb, and now this one on my shoulder... seems odd to me. So, next stop dermatologist where I will ask to have it removed but the doctor told me that would be an involved process what with all the bleeding, etc. We shall see.

Bart and I had an awful fight today. Yelling hateful things, crying, etc. Stress... you know? To make matters worse, Bart has to work 3rd shift for the next 3 nights. 3rd shift nearly cost us our marriage at one point in time and I don't think we can forget that so we are entering this with some stress anyways. It's just 3 days so we will make it I'm sure.

We went to Bart's sister's house over the 4th weekend - his youngest brother was in town on leave from the Navy. It was a nice weekend for the most part.

Well, that is the gist of it. I'll try to do better about updating.

TTFN,
Camille

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to Bart. This is his first as a biological daddy. What a good dad he has turned out to be. Of course, this is not a surprise to me, he has had a lot of good practice with Morgan and Jake and he is a wonderful stepdad to them. Thank you Bart for all that you do. I am repeatedly surprised and amazed by you and I thank you for working so hard to support your family. You are a good man and I am proud that you are my husband and the father to my kiddos. I love you eternally.

We had a nice weekend up in Paris, TX with Bart's mom and stepdad. We spent some time in the pool, which is the place to be in this weather, sheesh. It's been a strained relationship with them for so many reasons but things are really smoothing out for now and that is such a relief for everyone.

Morgan leaves for camp in the morning and will be gone the whole week. I wonder what age your children reach that you finally quit worrying... 30, 40, 50 perhaps. She went to this camp last year and had a blast so I'm sure she will be fine. Right? Of course she will. Won't she? Somebody stop me.

That's all for now,
Camille

If I look good in the color of baby poop - does that mean I'm a "fall"?

It was a fun morning. I had to empty the deep freeze because I thought that it wasn't working. As soon as we were done the deep freeze motor kicked back in. Because of that little episode, we were late for Morgan's orthodontic appointment. While at said appointment, sweet little Francesca had a major blowout... poop all over her and all over me. We slinked our way out to the car as inconspicuously as possible and tried to clean up the mess - she cleaned up better than me. Morgan informs me that she may need braces... AGAIN. Nope, she can live with a crooked tooth for all I care. Ok, maybe on a better day I'll feel differently. So, then sweet Francesca cried all the way home and finally fell asleep in a puddle of formula because little Jake was helping to "feed" her. Sigh.

...and then sometimes I feel like this... 

It's me.. 4 pounds lighter

So, I lost 4 pounds this past week and fit into my size 6 non-stretchy jeans. Yeah!! I still have about 16 more to go. I'll keep you posted!

This morning I took the kids over to the park and let them run wild. They were skipping rocks in the pond. I've never been able to do that! It wasn't too hot, I think the key is getting there in the morning.

On another note I was watching this program on cemetaries, etc. and in the 1800's a man patented an alarm - a bell was above ground and a rope extended into the casket. So IF A PERSON WAS BURIED ALIVE and then woke up... well, all they had to do was pull the bell. Apparently it sold pretty well as those in comas were commonly thought dead and buried. Unbelievable!

Just thought I'd share.

Camille

Gertrude Stein and I disagree...

Don't know if you've noticed or not but I have added a "quote of the day" to my blog. It's randomly generated and appears each day to enrich my, and your, life. Well, I was trying to feel Gertie's sentiment but the fact is, I don't agree.

This is the quote:

It is the soothing thing about history that it does repeat itself.
- Gertrude Stein

What part of history was she longing to reappear? Think about it. So, am I missing something or is there some period of history over which I should be pining?

Maybe she meant her own personal history and not history in the grander scale.

On another note, the WW thing is getting easier, it's very much about habit forming. Once you get in the groove it's just second nature. I'll post any loss on Friday. (Can't wait to see how you did too, Juice!}

Of friends and fat...

Stacia and I had a good long talk today - don't know if 37 minutes will hold me over for the next 3 months or not, but I guess it will have to do. Stacia is leaving on a jet plane tomorrow morning and will be going to Russia for the summer. Have a wonderful time dear!

And for the other portion of this post we shall discuss me losing the last, lingering 20 lbs. since Francesca's birth. Since I have zero motivation but all the depression, I found a couple of folks on the WW board that have as much to lose as I do and we are being motivation for one another. Secretly, I'm just competitive enough for this to work. Someone else lose more than me? I think not!

It used to be easier than this to eat less, but then again, I used to slave away at a job that occupied all of my resources from 6am-6pm. Guess that made it easier.

I'm about to take Jake, for those of you playing the home version that would be sweet baby #2, to his swimming lessons. He was gone for the week down at his grandma's in Beaumont and I'm so glad he's home. We made it exactly 4 minutes from the time he came in to the time he couldn't find anything to do. Oh boy, summer could be long.

Well, that's all for today...
Camille

Sometimes I feel like this... 

"Make good choices"

I was thinking about what I am teaching my children. This is something of which I am constantly aware. I spend a day sitting on my bed reading or on the computer or taking care of the baby or whatever and I wonder how that makes them feel. I don't close the door anymore, I only did that when I was hurting somehow or felt I was shielding them from hurting. Anyways, I remember when I was a child, my mom would come home from work so exhausted and she would hole up in her room and I thought it was about me. Even worse was that she would let my older brother in sometimes and they would talk. I didn't belong in there. Now I get it but then I didn't and I wonder if my kids do. I'm much better (read: healthier) than I have been and I am much more interactive than I used to be. Everyone compliments me on how I've raised my children, they are energetic, polite, happy, well adjusted, smart children. Sometimes though, sometimes I think they just came to me that way. That they have more to do with that than I do. I love them with all my heart but I guess the point of all of this is that I feel like I should always be doing more and I AM doing more now. I hope it's enough. I got to thinking about this because Bart and I were discussing what I hope to pass on to my children and I know the answer to that. It is "make good choices", above all else. He then pointed out that yes, that was important but we have to also teach them what a good choice is. Then I wondered if I have done enough of that... Well, at least it's not too late.

Camille's Best Friend and Baby # 1

From Left to Right: Camille, Morgan, Stacia 

Me & Bart 

You have to see this site....

Just trust me - this will claw at your heart...

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

The first baby...

On June 2nd, 1994, when I was the ripe old age of 20, I awoke early in the morning to the miraculous (horrible) pain of labor for the very first time. I cleaned up and rode in my boyfriend's dinky little Honda CVS to the hospital. My mom drove down from Sherman, TX, where they lived at the time, and at 1pm, after 7.5 hours of labor (with no epidural), my beautiful baby girl was born. She was pink and round and had big blue eyes and my heart was hers in an instant. All that day we debated on her name, 10 months hadn't given me enough time to make such an important decision. Finally, I wrote on her birth certificate application the name Morgan Elizabeth. From the beginning she has been an amazing child, so bright, vibrant, deep, just amazing. So, today she is 11. You remember 11? I do and it gives me shivers to think what is coming... I'm so proud of that girl, the one who taught me to be a mother. Thanks Morgan. I love you baby girl. Happy Birthday.

our little one 

Stacia Interviews Camille

1. What is your most favorite memory of us together?

This is a tough one. Honestly, I really think that my favorite is a very simple, not so exciting memory. I loved our sleepovers at your house, I slept on the trundle bed and we would talk so late into the night. We never quit talking in order to go to sleep we just talked until one of us was completely incoherent and then we just slipped into sleep - probably still talking. I've never had that with any other 'friend', never so much to talk about, never the desire to listen and talk, never the comfort. I guess that's my favorite. Is that stupid?

2. What do you consider your best physical feature?

My eyes. Not just because of how they look but because of what they see.

3. If you were given $5000 and couldn't spend it on anyone but yourself (and not on bills) what would you do with it?

I would have a breast lift and augmentation. I've breastfed 3 kids, need I say more?

4. Where's the one place you want to visit with just you and Bart? The whole family? Just you?

I would like to go to Bali with Bart. I would like to take the whole family to Europe. I would like to go to Maui.

5. Do you still want to be an astronaut? If not, what is the non-realistic job you would like?

Yes, I think that is still my best non-realistic job fit. I would love to see what the Earth looks like from far, far above.

Thought provoking questions. Thanks Stacia.

P.S. Love ya!

Camille

Chillin'

That's what I am doing after forking out $375 to the A/C repairman this morning. It could have been worse. The circuit board at the blower on the furnace was fried apparently. Anyone that has lived through a Texas summer knows how worth it my 'little' expenditure was.

I also think I broke my toe today. I was running for the phone and my toe caught the leg of the sofa. It is swollen and hurts like hell.

Well, HRH is screaming, I think it is time to change her. Yippee.

More later,
Camille

Sweat and other interesting topics....

I suppose I should be grateful that it isn't August. August in Dallas is miserably hot and humid. What I am NOT grateful for is the fact that my air conditioner quit working this morning. Blech. For those of you not following the bouncing ball over the lyrics of my life's happy tune, let me fill you in.... I have no job and air conditioning people aren't cheap. I have decided to eat ice cream instead of worry about it. I have also decided to wait until Tuesday to call the thieves, I mean AC repairman, since I don't want to have to pay quadruple for it being over a holiday weekend.

Aside from that, Bart and I argued most of the day yesterday which is not really normal for us anymore. Then last night, Morgan's 11th birthday party at her dad's house. It was supposed to be a pool party but it rained buckets yesterday so... we let them swim anyways. I mean, they were going to get wet anyway right? The party was fun for them.

Jake is with his dad in Beaumont this week. So, it's just me and 'Cesca this week. Well, if I don't post tomorrow - Happy Memorial Day - which is kind of stupid to say, I don't think we're supposed to necessarily be HAPPY on Memorial Day. Just memorialize those fighting for us and those that have fought for us in the past.

Camille

Never!!!

Never, ever, ever go and publicly announce how beautifully sweet and pleasant your baby is. Why? Because she will spontaneously turn into a big squalling crab. Well, at least it isn't constant. Maybe I shouldn't have said that either.

Beth, to answer your question, Bart has a BS in BS - no wait, that's his OTHER degree - I mean he has a BS in Information Technology with a focus on Web Development. He is currently pursuing his MBA. He has had it tough because in this market senior level people are still filling the junior level positions, which he is qualified for. (BTW - It drives me nuts that I just ended that sentence with a preposition but you know what - screw it - I feel dangerous.)

Stacia and I had a good long talk about her visit with Wes. I have an icky feeling about this. I hope it ends up better than it sounded. I feel like screaming "Run Stacia, Run" but she is a big girl (not literally) and she can make solid decisions for herself.

The kiddos last day of school is today. Morgan will never be in elementary school again. I do feel oddly sentimental about that too. I went and saw her do a little talent show at school - she and some friends danced and sang an Avril Lavigne (sp?) song. She was pretty darn good.

She won all kinds of awards today. She got commended performance on her 3 Taks tests - she got an award for having the highest score in the school on the language arts test - she got 100% right so I guess that's about as high as it gets. (She gets that from me.) She also got commended in math and science. (She does NOT get that from me.) She also had perfect attendance this year - both she and Jake got that this year. (It was a good year as far as no illnesses.) She got a presidential honor certificate - signed by George W. Bush.

What a kid.

Morgan is like me in some ways and just not in others. I love the person she is and is becoming. (Minus the preteen drama.)

Jacob is so very creative. He is showing artistic talent. He is a handsome boy with eyelashes I wish my girls had gotten. He's a smart kid too and funny and sensitive.

OK, enough gushing.

I guess I'll save my worrying for another post. It doesn't seem to fit in this one.

Camille

Not quite summertime and the living is relatively easy...

The blogs I read have made me feel almost a little guilty. Seems everyone is having it pretty rough with their new little babies and you know what? I'm not. Maybe I don't count because this is my third time around. Whatever the reason, I don't have a lot of trouble with Francesca. She has her crabby days but mostly, she is just a pleasant baby. She has her daily ups and downs but it's no big deal. So, don't hate me because my baby is beautiful.

Bart is burned out. It's been a long road of education and interviewing and still naught to show for it all and he is so tired. Poor Bart. After a while, consolation seems trite. I just let him rant now. I can't blame him. I would rant too. I just try to get him to rant more quietly.

Well, that's all for now.

Camille

Bad blogger, bad blogger....

I am a bad, bad blogger these months. I'll try to reform my errant ways. Francesca is just over 3 months old now. What is she up to these days? At 7 weeks she started grinning at everything, at 9 weeks she started grabbing her toes and found her thumb to suck. At 11 weeks she began rolling over. This was a surprise to me, especially since she only does it the hard way - rolling from her back to her belly. She does it with very little effort now. She 'talks' a lot now and Bart is trying very hard to teach her to say "Da-dee" She is coming closer to that. It's amazing to watch her concentrate on trying to do things. You can actually see her determination.

My other chickadees will be out of school as of next Friday. This is the end of Morgan's last year of Elementary school. Unbelievable.

Oh yeah, I quit my job. I thought I was going to go back. In fact, I did go back, but the thought of leaving the baby for 12 hours a day was more than I could take. On my one day back, when I realized that, at lunch time, I still had 6.5 more hours to go, that was it.

So, now we budget, scrimp, and save BUT at least the baby doesn't think that the old lady at daycare is her mom... you know?

Big girl

At Francesca's one month checkup last week she weighed 11 lb 13 oz and was 22 in long. She will be 5 weeks old tomorrow and is already so big. I don't recall my first 2 kids being this big until they were 3 months old. It's amazing. She got her HepB immunization and I wanted to hit that nurse. You'd think we could come up with a more humane way of doing things - we've been to the moon but we still have to puncture babies with huge needles. Grrrr.

Her eyes look like they may stay blue - in some lights they look almost purple. She is starting to coo more and smiles more often, mostly at Bart. She is a really good baby- she sleeps very well at night. The rest of us are doing well.

I'll have to grab Bart's notes from Francesca's birth and record the details here but for now I've gotta go.

Camille

Enamored

Francesca Claire Emery, born Feb 17th at 11:22 am, 8lbs 13 oz., 20.5 in, she has us mesmerized. She is beautiful and more than I could have dared imagine. We're all head over heels in love.

Bart is turned to mush. He is so wonderful with her. The kids are dazzled.

I am blessed and content.

Camille

STILL pregnant...

Over 3 cm dilated. 75% effaced. Bag of amniotic fluid literally BULGING. Head WAY low. Yet, still pregnant. To quote my doctor, "I can't understand why you aren't going into labor." Um, yeah, me neither.

Will induce on Thursday if Francesca still hasn't come by then. I think she's quite comfy where she is, thank you very much, so I do anticipate being induced at this point.

Sorry for being so unreachable. Story for another time and place. Let's all think happy, go-into-labor thoughts please!! Thanks so much.

That's it for now.

Camille

Come out, come out, whoever you are...

Every night this week I lie in bed and time contractions for 3-4 hours. Every night they get to about 13-15 minutes apart and then stop. Enough teasing me already! Let's get this show on the road. I would very much like to have this baby and not be pregnant ever, ever again. I'm so tired. At last Thursday's appt I was dilated to 1.5 cm and was 60% effaced and I go back to the dr again today. I'll be glad to see what, if anything, this week's contractions have done to me. Oh, here's a nice strong one as we speak.... ooooh, these are so much fun. Especially sitting at your desk at work. Love it! Bart has put himself back on the patch and so far, so good. Has been a little "antsy" and broke down and smoked a couple of times but overall is really handling this well so far. Well, I have to waddle down the hall for a meeting now.

Camille

Maximum: 23 Working Days

That lifts my spirits some! I just figured out that there are a maximum of 23 working days left prior to me taking my maternity leave. Oh that is SO good. It even sounds like a number I can handle and I like that. That being said, I am also down to a maximum of 41 days until this baby is born! Tick, tock, tick, tock. Come on already! I washed up the baby stuff for the bassinette and the carseats and the swing. There is still a lot to be done around the house but Bart has committed 4 weekend hours to me each weekend to help me get this stuff done and that should help out a lot.

Bart has just enrolled in his MBA program through Colorado Technical University. He will be done in 15 months. I am already counting the months - I'll be glad when that is done. I can only imagine how stressed out he is going to be and I hate the thought of that. He's a tough cookie though and I'm sure he'll pull through okay.

Well, enough for now.

Camille

Purging

As the calendar page turned to the New Year, it incited within me a panic that I suppose was lying dormant. It was January of last year, the 23rd to be precise, that Bart left. La-la-la-la. Then he came back. I don't want to talk about it except to say that I had kept every email we wrote each other during that time frame and I had ignored them completely since his homecoming but then when I realized it was January, well, I figured it was time to torture myself I guess and feed the flames of terror that were just waiting for a little fanning. So, a week or so ago I read them all. It was oppressive and terrifying and made me very sad and scared. So, today.... today I purged. I deleted every single one of them. I didn't even open them again to see which ones I was deleting, I just selected the one that started on the 26th (the first one he sent me after he left) and selected every email until the beginning of May and hit delete all. Then I deleted them from my deleted folder. I don't know why I kept them in the first place, they weren't doing anybody any good sitting in there. It was just a ball of hurt I wanted to keep around for some bizarre reason that I don't even know. So, they're gone.

Onward....
Camille

55: Maximum # of Days Remaining

I will repress the urge to panic and b*tch about all of the million things that need done before this baby gets here. I will repress the urge to scream. I will repress the urge to vent about how I feel very alone in the feeling that these things need done. I will, I will, I will.

Next topic: There is only so far that my belly actually CAN expand, right? I feel like I am literally going to split down the middle.

Yet another topic: Oh, never mind. I can't think of anything productive to say. I am cranky and I want to be pampered a bit.

Blah.

Camille