Stacia

In response to Stacia's last post....

Dearest Stacia - You are my oldest and most loved friend - you never need fear excommunication. I adore you for many reasons, one of which is your unbridled honesty. I would never want for less from you. Not only that, but I value your opinion. 16 years of friendship prove that I don't always take your opinion as my own, but I value it none the less. Thanks for always being just exactly who you are supposed to be... you.

Miss you,
Camille

Growl

Blogger ate my post again. You know the drill. This one will be short because of my frustration. Beth, I'm glad you always read my blog, I can't ever respond to you directly because there is no email address given for you and Blogger also doesn't allow me to see if you have a blog. If you do, let me know, turnabout is fair play, after all, and I should read your blog since you read mine. I'm glad that I've gotten positive reactions on the baby's name. It's different but I think it has an air of sophistication about it that isn't really "saint"-ish. Anyways, I'm 22 weeks today. Next week I will be 6 months and that is a very, very good thing. I registered this past weekend which was fun but exhausting. I also bought little 'Cesca some cute clothes (which in no way makes up for the LACK of cute clothes I, personally, currently have in MY wardrobe).

Well, TTFN... (Oh come on, you all know SOME Winnie the Pooh don't you??)

Camille

Francesca Claire

She has a name! I am increasingly excited and nervous. I don't know how good this whole short cervix thing is. I'm just more and more concerned about it. I am down to having 3-4 contractions a day but we're not talking about your garden variety BH contractions - we're talking about OMG, must-breathe-now, it will be over soon kind of contractions. I'm worried they are being VERY effective. I want her so badly. I just have to cook her at least 12 more weeks.

Thanks for the congratulations on our anniversary. We went to Houston for an airshow and went to Johnson Space Center. Since I've spent the last couple of years dragging Bart around San Antonio shopping, I figured I'd be a sport and do "guy" stuff this year. Of course, it was a modified version because I could only take so much of the Houston heat and humidity and needed to be babied quite a bit. It was nice anyway in spite of the concrete slab the hotel was trying to pass off as a bed. The point is, we went away and enjoyed each other's company.

Well, now I need to wrap up for the day.

Camille

3 years ago today...

I married the man of my dreams. It was a tough time but he put on a new suit, I put on my gown, and we went, just me and him, to our little church office and stood there and took our vows, pledged our lives. I glowed. Literally glowed. To this day, he is the only man that has ever made me glow. We've been through hard, Hard, HARD, H.A.R.D. times but we have emerged intact and in love. I adore this man. He still is the man of my dreams. He still makes me weak. He still makes me giddy. He is the only man that knows the stubborn me and the soft underbelly of me and he loves me. Here's to another year Bart. Here's to eternity. Cheers, my love. You're my everything.

Camille

P.S. This is what Bart sent me last year... I read it at least once a month - you'll see why...


hey girl,
do you remember what it was like when you and i got married? we both lost
our jobs and we were broke. our bills piled up and we got behind on them. i
worked at (job mentioned) for 14 hours a day and didn't get paid for it. i was so
scared. then, i worked at (another job mentioned) making $9 an hour. you had to go to your
new job and work 10 hours a day. it was like whoever we were as individuals
was torn away in one swoop and we had to come together as one person to make
it through. my ego had to take a nose dive before you and i could do
anything together. working at (previously mentioned jobs) certainly took care
of that. then, i got fat. i had to figure out, with your help, that maybe
there was more to me than i thought there was before. i was a nice, loving
person. i could care about other people. i could be depended on. i could
make it through a tough situation with the use of common sense and planning
and not just on luck. i have learned to trust you more than i have ever
trusted anyone in my life. i am learning more and more everyday that there
is no ME anymore, it is US. you have helped me become a productive,
dependable, and good person.
we have come a long way since october 14, 2001. we have still, a long way to
go. i don't love money, i love you, jake and morgan. no matter how
prosperous we get, i always want to remember that. you guys are the reason i
study all night long. i want you to be able to stay home with the kids so
badly. i kind of close my mental eyes on what the odds are of me being paid
a six-figure income in the next 5 years. i just chug along like the little
engine that could and keep my hopes up.
you and i are still babies when it comes to this marriage thing. i do think
that we have our priorities straight though. i have seen couples who care
more about possessions, dirt biking, drinking, and various other things than
they do about each other. they would deny that they are like that, but if
you took away those things that they think are so important like their boat,
dirt bikes, drinking, etc, they would not know what to do with each other.
you and i could probably just rub on each other all day long and talk. we
are each other's entertainment.
i still love you so much. i love you more than i did 2 years ago. i love
your beautiful smile, your wonderful laugh, the way you wear my t-shirts,
the way your skin smells, your little perfect ears, your beautiful
earth-colored eyes, your big beautiful feet, and the way you pucker your
lips when you are looking in the mirror. you are so incredible that i cannot
fully describe you to anyone. you are my jewel.

hubby

She looked beautiful...

Our baby girl looked beautiful on that ultrasound screen. She was sucking her thumb with vigor and she looked perfect to me and her daddy.

Now I have to keep her in there long enough. Turns out all these contractions HAVE been doing something and my cervix is significantly shortened. I have to start on Terbutaline to stop the contractions.

Now I just pray. I want everything to be alright. I try not to show that I am scared.

Mom reminded me that the Bible says, "Be anxious for nothing but in all things give thanks." That's what I'm holding on to. Thank you for this baby girl. Thank you for this hope. Thank you for seeing me through. Thank you for knowing that losing her WOULD be too much for me to handle, for Bart to handle. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Keep her in there and just as my prayer has always been for my 2 beautiful children before this one, I now include her, keep my babies safe and healthy. Amen.

Camille

Funk

That's what I was officially in on Sunday. A big, fat, ugly, gray, cloudy, grizzly bear funk. Poor Bart. He took all he could before snapping at bedtime. Think my crabbiness finally broke him. Sorry about all that Bart. I couldn't shake it. I was snappy and bitter all day long. I was upset about the house being a mess, about ex #1 griping at my daughter until she was in hysterics, about keeping ex #2's dog, about soccer in the rain, about getting so freaking big, about money, about work, and about the stress of starting over with this sweet baby, which I will love completely, already do, but that will cause all of the aforementioned stressors to be accompanied with lack of sleep and further frayed nerves. Sigh.

I'm a tad overwhelmed.

Anyway, sorry Bart.

Camille

Damn, Damn, Damn

Had a nice long really insightful post - freaking Blogger ate it. Grrrr....

That's all I can muster now.

I'll try to recapture the moment later. Geez.

Camille

Still Me

Yesterday when I left work and began my hour long commute home, I opened the sunroof on my car and turned my music up nice and loud. I felt the cool breeze through my hair and breathed in the fresh air and I felt alive. I smiled. I felt like me. I'm still in there. That's good news. I thought I was lost underneath these gigantic breasts that are so completely foreign to me, under this belly that has a wiggly thing in it, under the thighs and backside that are making sure I stay in proportion, under all the nausea, under all the emotional ripping from this new dilemma with my husband's "madonna complex", under all the raging hormones... but you know what??.... I'm still in there. Oh thank you God. I was worried. I know I'll climb out of this in time and now I know, I'll be me.

Camille

In which nothing much occurs...

..except for the baby having hiccups today. Weird feeling to have something living and hiccup-ing inside of you. Other than that... um... nothing.

The other day Bart and I were reminiscing and I recalled that when I was in high school I had a penchant for hitting boys in the stomach... hard. Why is that? I thought it was funny. They never really complained either (stupid machismo) and they still bought me shoes and brought me lunch that they had their mommies pack extra for me. Um... that's just WRONG. I never really thought about it before. I will warn my son against girls that hit boys in the stomach and still expect for him to buy them stuff. I will warn my daughter not to hit boys in their tummies.

As horrible as all that sounds. I was a nice person. I really was. I will redeem myself in a future post, for now, think I'm as horrible as that sounds. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I just hated them but wanted their attention anyways. Hormones are a horrible, terrible, awful thing when you're 13 and 14.

I don't hit any boys now and I don't expect them to buy me things unless I'm REALLY nice. ;o)

I've been nice lately right?

OK, maybe I could be a little nicer.

Signing off...

Camille

Miscellaneous Ramblings...

Have I ever talked about all the blogs I read every day? It all started with www.alittlepregnant.com - I read that everyday - then I started reading all of her the blogs she lists on her website. My favorites being Tertia's http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/ , http://chezmiscarriage.blogs.com/ , http://uncommonmisconception.typepad.com/ , and http://julia.typepad.com/julia/ . I really enjoy a lot of the blogs listed in her Blogs aplenty list as well.

So, if you haven't checked them out, go ahead and do that, but come back here when you're done.

I'm really in crisis mode about s.e.x. in my marriage. SERIOUSLY. I need it, I figure he needs it, but it's just not happening. I am actually mourning about this. I DON'T LIKE IT. More, I don't like what it could lead to. Are we going to turn into THAT couple? Makes me water up just thinking about that possibility. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT. Let me clarify, sure I could if he were mangled and couldn't, sure I could if for some reason I lost my necessary parts, but barring that, well, it's just too important not to do. So, how does a puffy, big-bellied, not-as-attractive-as-I-wish-I-was woman try to seduce her husband who is just not feeling it? Waaaaaaaaahh.

I love this baby but I hate this body and what it's doing to me.

On a more positive note, I really am excited about the upcoming ultrasound on the 13th. I hope the baby is cooperative and will give us a good look see so we know how to start shopping. I can't wait to buy some cute baby stuff.

I have to get some work done before they figure out that I'm addicted to all things blog and take it away from me. Bastards.

Squnches,
Camille

Still gagging and other pleasantries....

WHAT is going on?? Why am I now 5 months pregnant and still gagging, fighting nearly every morning to keep from puking. I'm so TIRED of that. It will be so nice to eat and drink whatever I want, to not have to rate it on the nauseous scale first.

I got one of those snoogle pillows or whatever they're called. They're enormous pillows for pregnant women that are curved and long and you can put them in whatever position you want. I decided I love mine. I make it into a big circle and sit in the middle of it - kind of like a nest and at night I just get all entertwined up in it. It's the most comfortable I've been in a while so that's a good thing.

I'm completely self conscious lately about Bart and my lack of 'intimacy', if you know what I mean. I HATE IT. I like being with him, it's fun and good and well, it's normal to need that. I can't blame him that he doesn't see me in the same way now. Duh, I can look in the mirror. I am just really struggling with this. I respect the way he feels about it but at the same time, I want him to still want me. To clarify, he hasn't ever said anything about the way I look, just the general concerns of me being pregnant plus his feeling that I'm kind of sacred, in a way, right now, and I love that about him. But, I can't help but think that there's more to it than that - not that I wouldn't understand - I don't look good - I look round and big. I'm NOT used to this. I DON'T like it.

Did I mention I'm ready for February?

Camille
Camille

Completely Useless

I've never been much of a housekeeper. Under the close supervision (read: control) of one of my ex's I did manage to keep a sort of clean place, but it was never clean enough for him. Well, now being pregnant has rendered me completely useless. I honestly feel like a really bad wife and a really bad mother lately. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't look good. I don't 'satisfy' my husband. I don't do anything anymore except get bigger and bigger. Of course I work 10 hours every weekday and commute 2 hours every weekday too. So, I do contribute, just not in the ways I consider important. Sigh. I am not fond of this version of me. Come on February.

Camille

Blank Stare

I will share this about me, if I am sitting there with a blank stare on my face, don't ask me what's on my mind. I mean, really, you don't care to know and if I was honest with you you'd just look at me as if suddenly I sprouted a second head.

I was lunching with a couple of girls from work today and this exact scenario occured. See, one of the girls said she had brought some of her clients to this particular restaurant in the past and that one of them drank Guiness - a lot of it - and said 'cheers' a lot in a British accent. So, there began the spinning in my head.

Thought 1: I met a guy once that was from England, what was that guys name? Oh, who cares.
Thought 2: Reflected on posts made by an English blogger about his wife that was expecting.
Thought 3: I wonder if Bart would blog about becoming a father.
Thought 4: I can't wait to have a margarita again someday.
Thought 5: We'll have to get a sitter.
Thought 6: I need to get skinny.

Then the question came (as I have that glazed over look on my face) "What's on your mind?"

Proper Answer: Nothing.

Mercy. I have ALWAYS been this way. Is the rest of the world as random as all that?

Camille

Almost 5 months

We had a doctor's appt. on the 15th and she said not to worry about the contractions unless I have more than 5 in an hour or they are coming in regular intervals. I just don't remember this with the last two kiddos.

When Monday rolls around I will officially be 5 months. That's a good thing because I feel that I'm finally catching up to the size of my belly. Honestly folks, I am ridiculously large for being this far along. Oh well.

I had been feeling good most of this week and then this morning had to make another mad dash for the bathroom. (Beth, if I could master your trick I would be a happier woman but alas, I do not think I am that talented. Plus, the aforementioned LARGE belly is somewhat prohibitive of my attempts at even practicing your advanced puking technique.)

I've been extremely cranky lately and I think that just maybe my husband has noticed. Ok, the poor thing must be ready to throttle me. I'm just having a very hard time adjusting to the new situation we have going on. I LOVE having him home (he just switched from 3rd shift to 1st shift) but at the same time - now he has to deal with me at my worst. When I'm tired at night and when I'm tired in the morning AND since he is the 3rd shift guru - the new guy doth proceed to ring our home at all ungodly hours of the a.m. That makes for one extraordinarily cranky pregnant woman. Plus I HURT. All over - I have recently added a lot of front loaded weight to my frame you see and so I NEED some help. I sit at a stupid desk all day in a "made for inmates" chair and so then when I get home last night and collapse into bed - aching from shoulders to rear - I want the hubby to rub on me a little and he "being funny" says that of course he'll rub on me, after all, I rub on him so much. WHAT???? Okay, maybe I left my sense of humor in the car - let me think about it some more... um, nope, still not amusing. OK, so don't worry about me. I'll just bear the contorting of my body, the inability to sleep, the pain and general malaise of bearing this child without troubling you - oh, and I'll certainly make some time to rub on you because you certainly MUST have a good reason for needing it too.

Deep breath. Okay, so, I was a little out of sorts on that one. In all fairness he was angry at me for being skeptical of the latest conspiracy theory about the Pentagon and the plane that did not (supposedly) fly into it. He finds my skepticism insulting personally somehow.

OK, I digress. Point is, I'm cranky. And I ache. And I'm tired.

The big point is - I love him. Thank you for giving me more than you want to while I am pregnant and crabby Bart. I really don't try to take advantage of it. Mostly, I feel I'm plowing through this like a trooper. LOOK AT ME. My body is going through hell. Can you please take it easy on me?

Thanks.

Camille

I'm still alive

I haven't posted for a while out of gross frustration with Blogger. I had written a lengthy, thought provoking post and Blogger would not let me post it. So, I went on strike temporarily but I have crossed the line now and I'm back.

I had an OB appt yesterday and after waiting for the baby to be still long enough for the doctor to find it's heartbeat - there it was - that coll swish, swish sound. I don't know why I worry so much this pregnancy. I wasn't like this with the last two.

It doesn't help that I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions since week 14. The doctor says that to make them stop I should lie down and drink fluids. Ha! My doctor doesn't realize I slave away at the office for 10 hours a day and have a 1 hour commute back and forth. So, that's 12 hours a day that I just CAN'T lie down. Sigh.

Waiting to hear how my grandparents are doing afer Ivan. They live in Milton, FL which is not far from Pensacola. My poor family has had quite the summer down in FL. Note to self: do NOT move to hurricane country. Life here in Tornado alley is MUCH better. (Whatever!)

Well, back to work I go.

Camille

Come on 2nd Trimester

Well, I am officially in my 2nd trimester - the honeymoon period of pregnancy (or so they say). I threw up in a booth at Chili's at lunch on Friday. It was in my hair and not so pretty. Maybe it's the honeymoon period in the sense that after my 1st marriage I had a honeymoon. It was kind of like puking in a booth at Chili's so maybe that's what they mean.

The week before that I puked in my car and since there is a baby sitting on my bladder and since throwing up contracts every molecule in your body, you guessed it, I peed too. IN MY CAR. I was very tempted to take the bag of ick and my skirt soaked in pee and hand them both to my husband with an oath that we would never, ever do this pregnancy thing again. I decided against it, feeling pretty certain that it would only induce more vomiting on his part.

Instead I just told him "never again" without the props. I think he got the point. I got the pee out of my car and the puke out of my hair and am hoping for some end to be in sight for this blech.

Enough for now.

Camille

Thank you cranky husband

I wanted to write a thank you to my husband. I have no clue if he even reads my blog anymore. I think he doesn't because he never comments on it. But, that's kind of why I'm writing it here. Not because I think he won't see it, but because if he knows I wrote it without even knowing if he would read it, he'll know I meant it.

For cracking the kids up, making them laugh like I rarely have, thank you. For hundreds of trips to McDonalds, Burger King, Sonic, KFC, Wendy's, and Taco Bell, thank you. For thousands of trips to the kitchen for ice cream, sodas, salt, Tony Cacheres, thank you. For shoving your irritation below the surface for a kid that wants to snuggle on the bed with us, thank you. For mowing the lawn, thank you. For half killing yourself at your damn job, thank you. For picking up the kids and dropping them off, thank you. For being such an excellent teacher to Jake and someone Morgan will talk to, thank you. For being the man that after 4 years together, still makes me melt, thank you. For stopping smoking again, thank you. For taking care of yourself, thank you. For going to school, thank you. For believing in me, thank you. For coming home, thank you. For not giving yourself an out, thank you. For giving me a few bucks when I'm broke, thank you. For being you, thank you, thank you, thank you. For being with me and the kids, thank you a million times over. I could go on and on and on.

You are loved. (Even when you're cranky)

Camille

1st day of school 2004

Morgan went into the 5th grade this year and Jake is doing the kindergarten thing again. He was so young going in last year that, even though he was academically ready for the 1st grade, we felt he'd benefit emotionally, etc. by hanging back a year. He doesn't seem to mind too awful much. Hope that remains the case.


Today I am 12 weeks pregnant today and am so big. My belly is round and my breasts are huge but less sore. Twelve weeks is good - it's so amazing. Apparently, my baby has everything it needs now - it just has to get bigger and it's parts have to develop now that they are there.

I hate every name I ever thought I'd like. I agonize over my children's names. Why does this happen to me? I'm really going to try not to think about names again until October when we will know if this is a boy or girl flavored baby.

Oh, by the way, I am now officially OUT of every pair of non-maternity pants I own. Waaaah.

More later...
Camille

Night at the ER

Oh what fun. My daughter got tangled up with a 2 year old and a tricycle at her friend's house and ended up with a "too wide and deep for a bandaid" gash on the top of her left foot. So, off to the hospital we went. She was nervous but did really well through the whole ordeal. She ended up with 2 'special' stitches - they have to purposely pucker the skin on the top of the foot because it is tight. Interesting. The wait was about 2.5 hours and $100 and now she gets to skip PE for the first 2 weeks of school. I think she figures that was worth the $100. Well, got to get busy working this morning.

Camille

Dunno why...

But I haven't been able to log on to blogspot in order to post in over a week and now, out of the clear blue sky, voila, it works. Oh well, whatever. The last 2 days I have felt almost normal as far as the nausea goes - not too bad. I've replaced that with being unable to comfortably bend over anymore. That's so much fun to admit at only 12 wks of pregnancy. Everyone around me knows I'm pregnant now - well, except for maybe blind people, maybe they don't know. I am officially in all maternity, all the time, clothes. I can't believe how large I am. Stunning.

This week my twin brother and sister turned 16 years old. I'm ancient. I can't believe how the time has gone. Of course my own are 10 and soon to be 6. I really am getting old. We did the whole back to school shopping thing this past weekend. My son's nice new sneakers for school are already mud coated. Grrrrr.

Soon we'll be engulfed in soccer practices, homework, and all that jazz and time will really fly then.

Bart is fine. I think he starts on days in a couple of weeks - thank the good Lord Almighty. I'm so over him being so miserable about his schedule and the failure of the rest of the world to accomodate it. It has been a long, hard road for him but I think it served him well, really. How many people have a whole degree that they earned at work?

Well, lemondrops and cheese nips to all the people I like and sardines to those I don't....

Camille