Friday, December 31, 2004

...and a Happy New Year

It's the end of another year. For me this year has been terrible and wonderful, full of growth and introspection. I feel aged after this one, that is for certain. It was the year I turned 30, but that is not what aged me. I lost my ideal and found it all at once. I hurt at the hands of the person I love the most and then had to come to realize that I had a role in my own pain after all. I set myself aside and found that in doing so, that was where my fulfillment had to ultimately come from. I proved to myself that I was stronger than I thought, a better person than I had been previously and that in spite of a shattered spirit, broken heart, and disturbed mind, I could, if necessary, put one foot in front of the other and proceed forward. I learned how to swallow great mouthfuls of pain because what I really wanted was to move past it. I learned that in moving past it, there comes healing in smaller bite sized chunks. I learned to fight for what was most important and to leave the lesser battles alone when at all possible. I learned to take risks when the rewards mean enough. I learned that the odds aren't always stacked against me and even when they are, sometimes I can still beat them, but for the grace of God. I learned that I have all I need and that is all that matters. I learned a lot in 2004.

I face forward into 2005 and pray for less tumult, for peace in our home, for joy in our hearts. I pray for health for my family, for patience to surpass my frustrations, for the desire to search out the beauty in the midst of chaos. I pray for contentment without complacency, for wisdom without conceit. I pray that I will learn just as much this coming year as I did last year, but please God, without the agony, if at all possible. I pray that I never forget the hard learned lessons of the past and that I never take for granted the ones I hold dear.

Happy New Year.


Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Oh, my aching EVERYTHING

I don't sleep. I am never comfortable. I feel like I will split in two. I ache in places I didn't know COULD ache. I am SO, SO, SO ready for it to be February. Can't I just go to sleep for 6-8 weeks? Please? 'Cesca has turned herself into a more sensible position for delivery, so that is good news. She feels enormous in there already, I can't imagine how I can possibly get any bigger but I imagine I will surprise myself. I'm TRYING to be a good human being and every time I don't feel well (always), think about all of the hundreds of thousands of people that are suffering an unspeakable tragedy due to the tsunamis this week. I simply can't imagine the horror. God help all of those affected. What a horrific story and what a horrible way to finally be convinced you need some type of warning system.

On a related note, I was furious when I read this quote from a lawyer representing the family of a little girl that went blind due to an allergic reaction to Children's Motrin, "This is the equivalent of a medical tsunami -- there was no warning put out whatsoever on this apparently benign, over-the-counter medicine," Sabrina Brierton Johnson's attorney Browne Green said.

The tactless insensitivity of this remark stunned me. Um, Browne Green (what a name btw), you soundbyte whore - how can you compare the unfortunate blindness of your client to a VERY RECENT event that has now killed over 80,000 people?????? Bet the families affected by the tsunamis only wished their relatives had been blinded instead of having suffered a tragic death. The way some people attempt to capitalize on tragedy is appalling. Good grief! Now I think I need some Motrin myself....

OK, I'm done.


Sunday, December 26, 2004

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...

Last night, Christmas Eve 2004, we did the standard stuff. Each year the kids and I log on to NORAD's Santa tracking site to see where in the world Santa is delivering his toys. We set out the cookies that we make for Santa and we read the Christmas story from Luke chapter 2. Jake was more restless and excited this year than I've ever seen him. Wonder how much more time we have before he learns the sad truth about Santa. I don't care what anybody says, I'm 30 years old, and it's still more fun to believe in Santa - so I just will... in some form.

Then I send the kiddos off to bed, then the night gets very hectic, wrapping presents, stuffing stockings, eating cookies, etc. I got to bed around 1 a.m. Bart had to work last night which stinks for him, but at least it marked the end of this stint on 3rd shift.

The morning started early, 7 a.m., and the kids ran down the stairs, tore into their stockings, tore into the presents, and by 8 a.m. it was time to start cleaning up the aftermath which took a lot more effort than getting it all set up in the first place. By 9:30 a.m. the kids were both gone to their dad's. That's always the hard part.

I came home, napped, tried to nurse Bart the best I could (he's got the cold I had last week, I'm afraid). All in all, it was a nice day - we had Burger King for lunch, Pizza for dinner. We sat around lazily all day watching movies on TV. We watched The Jackal, Unforgiven, and Frequency. We watched Francesca putting on her own show in my belly. She's such a wiggle-butt.

Well, that was the day in a nutshell. Merry Christmas 2004 and to all a very, very good night,


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Return of the Blah...

The second trimester was pretty nice... Now I'm in # 3 and I'm afraid the Blah has returned. The past 2 mornings I have been waking up feeling weak and shaky and have to lay/sit down a whole lot. I'm hoping it's just a passing thing... I have too much to get done before Christmas, before Francesca.

Speaking of Francesca - I found her a $600 crib and a $100 crib mattress that were new in April '04 for a grand total of $150 including delivery to the house! This couple had their baby in April and have had the crib in their room but then decided on co-sleeping instead and the crib is in the way. So, it's essentially brand new. I looked up the crib on some retail sites (you can only get this crib at specialty stores) and sure enough it ranges from $589-629 retail.

So, Francesca will be sleeping in style. I'm so excited!! Plus, my mom is sending us $100 of that $150 as a present for little baby 'Cesca. So... yeah!!

Well, I'm going to get some water now and try not to pass out.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Humbug and other Grinchy thoughts

I think it is safe to say that I am not much in the holiday mood this year. I feel skittish about spending money this year with Baby Francesca's debut right around the corner. I also don't feel like shopping. I just feel like finding a position in which I can be comfortable - I just want a full night's sleep (no comment needed - I know what I'm in store for, I've done this twice before) - I just want Christmas to be over. Sigh. So, bah. Bah Humbug. Double bah.

Other than that, what can I say.... I got the results for my labwork and my blood sugar is good, I'm anemic, and my other test was negative. Which is very, very good.

Umm... I'm blank now. Nothing more to write about at this time.


Thursday, December 09, 2004


I ceased to be ME in your eyes but I am still here. Still hidden behind the inflated womb, the engorged breasts, and the maternal stores of fat. Still me. Still the one that longed for your touch and fed off of your affection. Still the one that needed it more than air. I am cheated of this because I don't look like the ME that you longed to touch, the ME that you drooled over, because I'm carrying this particular cargo. And I try to understand, I try to be tough skinned and hardened but... I am still ME. I am sad. I am sad too because I know that I won't always look like this and that someday you will long to touch me and you will drool over me again and then I will remember THIS version of ME and how will I feel then? They are both ME. I am sad.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

28 weeks

Had my 28 week appt. yesterday and took the glucose test. That stuff isn't so bad - tastes like Orange Crush with double syrup and no carbonation. Not something I'd drink on my own but fell just short of vomitous on the drinkability scale. Baby is doing fine. Wiggliest kid I've ever felt, heard of, etc. I KNOW the other kids didn't move this much. I think I may be feeling it more because of her position - she is transverse - although I think she may have moved last night since I'm feeling some kicking up toward my ribs. The best news (other than baby is good) was that I had only gained 1 lb. since last appt. and that was over Thanksgiving too! I hope the worst of my gaining is through. As my doctor put it, I certainly have gained more than enough this pregnancy already. True, true.

Bart and I had childbirth preparation classes all this past weekend. The lady was super thorough so Bart knows what to expect at this point, at least as much as a classroom setting can preapare a person. This is such a different experience for me, going through this with my husband. I'm not too revealing with my previous situations but Baby 1: Her dad and I were young and it was not the right thing for us to be married. Baby 2: I was married but when I was 4 months pregnant his Dad was removed from our lives. Baby 3: As you can see, a completely different story. I'm so happy to be sharing this whole experience with him. There is no element of trauma like in my other pregnancies. Of course, with my first 2, I was still happy about the babies, it was just HARD. I can see why this is the 'ideal' way of doing things. Not that it doesn't have it's own challenges, but it's so much better.

That's all for now...