Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Come out, come out, whoever you are...

Every night this week I lie in bed and time contractions for 3-4 hours. Every night they get to about 13-15 minutes apart and then stop. Enough teasing me already! Let's get this show on the road. I would very much like to have this baby and not be pregnant ever, ever again. I'm so tired. At last Thursday's appt I was dilated to 1.5 cm and was 60% effaced and I go back to the dr again today. I'll be glad to see what, if anything, this week's contractions have done to me. Oh, here's a nice strong one as we speak.... ooooh, these are so much fun. Especially sitting at your desk at work. Love it! Bart has put himself back on the patch and so far, so good. Has been a little "antsy" and broke down and smoked a couple of times but overall is really handling this well so far. Well, I have to waddle down the hall for a meeting now.


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Maximum: 23 Working Days

That lifts my spirits some! I just figured out that there are a maximum of 23 working days left prior to me taking my maternity leave. Oh that is SO good. It even sounds like a number I can handle and I like that. That being said, I am also down to a maximum of 41 days until this baby is born! Tick, tock, tick, tock. Come on already! I washed up the baby stuff for the bassinette and the carseats and the swing. There is still a lot to be done around the house but Bart has committed 4 weekend hours to me each weekend to help me get this stuff done and that should help out a lot.

Bart has just enrolled in his MBA program through Colorado Technical University. He will be done in 15 months. I am already counting the months - I'll be glad when that is done. I can only imagine how stressed out he is going to be and I hate the thought of that. He's a tough cookie though and I'm sure he'll pull through okay.

Well, enough for now.


Thursday, January 13, 2005


As the calendar page turned to the New Year, it incited within me a panic that I suppose was lying dormant. It was January of last year, the 23rd to be precise, that Bart left. La-la-la-la. Then he came back. I don't want to talk about it except to say that I had kept every email we wrote each other during that time frame and I had ignored them completely since his homecoming but then when I realized it was January, well, I figured it was time to torture myself I guess and feed the flames of terror that were just waiting for a little fanning. So, a week or so ago I read them all. It was oppressive and terrifying and made me very sad and scared. So, today.... today I purged. I deleted every single one of them. I didn't even open them again to see which ones I was deleting, I just selected the one that started on the 26th (the first one he sent me after he left) and selected every email until the beginning of May and hit delete all. Then I deleted them from my deleted folder. I don't know why I kept them in the first place, they weren't doing anybody any good sitting in there. It was just a ball of hurt I wanted to keep around for some bizarre reason that I don't even know. So, they're gone.


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

55: Maximum # of Days Remaining

I will repress the urge to panic and b*tch about all of the million things that need done before this baby gets here. I will repress the urge to scream. I will repress the urge to vent about how I feel very alone in the feeling that these things need done. I will, I will, I will.

Next topic: There is only so far that my belly actually CAN expand, right? I feel like I am literally going to split down the middle.

Yet another topic: Oh, never mind. I can't think of anything productive to say. I am cranky and I want to be pampered a bit.