Saturday, July 30, 2005

New meaning to "Rockabye Baby"

As I sit here right now, Francesca is on the bed between Bart and I and is showing off!!! She is up on her hands and knees, which she has been doing for a couple of days now but now she is rocking back and forth!!!! Show off! Very, unbelievably cute! She is just 5.5 months old - SHOULD SHE BE DOING THIS ALREADY???!!! She's a genius and is destined to be an amazing athlete - that much is obvious... and I'm not biased at all.

Center of Winter

Just read "Center of Winter" by Marya Hornbacher. Was a very good read. Read it all in one day - with 3 kids running wild. Couldn't put it down.

Here's a summary I stole from another site

"The Schiller family is torn apart by mental illness. The autistic-like symptoms of their son, Esau, has brought Claire and Arnold's Schiller's marriage to the breaking point and Arnold kills himself with a single bullet to the head. In the aftermath, Claire, Esau, and the youngest Schiller child, Kate, must come to terms with Arnold's suicide and learn how to piece their lives back together. Claire's best friend, Donna, is also struggling with her husband's post-Vietnam, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and its resulting depression and alcoholism. Donna's son, Davey, helps Kate to cope with the death of her father while Donna provides Claire support. When Donna's husband also comes to a mental breaking point, the two families must learn to re-define what being a normal, small-town family is really all about."
Jennifer Martin-Romme, Resident Scholar

Recommend it highly.

Marya wrote another book called Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia - not a novel, but an autobiography. Want to read that for sure now. "Center of Winter" was her first novel.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Asked for it...

Well, Beth, I did ask for topics but didn't expect the only questions I got to send me spiraling into a self-loathing depression. Thanks so very much. I'll have to wait until Stacia gets back in town to answer the 2 questions about ambition and achievement. She'll remind me of one I'm sure.

As far as who I was in the 80's... I was a little kid. I was 6 years old in 1980 and was 15 when that decade ended. But in reality, I don't remember a lot about being a kid - just that I was not all that cool and not popular and was lonely a lot. My older brother was the most popular kid in town and I was in his shadow. When I was 11 I started being "bad" - not so much for attention but for the escape that it provided.

That's also when we moved from Tennessee to Texas and then I was marginally popular. When I was 12 or 13 I started going to a private school and met Stacia, which has turned out to be one of the very best things that has ever happened in my life.

Now the 90's were a different story. I completed the 10th grade 1990, is that right Stacia? 1989? God, I'm old. They told me I couldn't come back to that school because of my drug/alcohol use. I started 11th grade by doing home school and then continued those studies in rehab at Teen Challenge in Maui.

I met Lee at Rehab and we hated each other and then we didn't and then when rehab was over after 15 months, I came home and he came to visit, and I moved back to Maui again. Then I came back to Texas to plan our wedding and I got cold feet and called it off. I can't say it was the wrong decision but I can say that I really think it was one of the worst things I've done to another human being. When I decided that I had screwed up bad a few months later, I called and he put me in my place by telling me that he was moving to Pennsylvania. I respected him for doing that but God did it hurt. Then I got pregnant.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my oldest and I was scared to death. The boy that I was with was self centered and chilly and I knew it wasn't going to work. He proposed to me when I was 3 months along and I said we had things to work on. We tried to make it work - rather, he tried his best to change me into who he felt I should be, when he failed and I decided I couldn't be molded anymore, our daughter was 2 years old. Concluding that relationship was the easiest thing I have ever done - I have no regrets on that front.

Then I was working at a company in my first sales job and was making really good money - I had a pretty normal existence for a little while and then I became friends with a couple of people from work - a guy and a girl. The guy was funny and nice to my daughter and easy to be with and when the girl got herself a boyfriend - our trio turned to a duo and after some resistance, we started dating. Even though he was 11 years older than me, even though he had a criminal trial pending from prior indiscretions before me. Then I got pregnant again in 1997 - my second was born in 1998. This time I was totally scared and really very disappointed in myself. He told me he wanted to do the right thing even though we were in the wrong situation and we were married. 42 days after the wedding he was incarcerated for 4.5 years. Needless to say, that marriage did not work out. The girl later accused me of sleeping with that boyfriend she got, so then, angry at the accusation and after their demise, I did. That was the 2nd worst thing I've done to a person. I lost a very good friend.

So then there were 2 kids and one mom and a big house, etc. Are you following this? I loved them so much that nothing else mattered and my job supported us well.

Then Stacia and I went clubbing in 1999. I saw this GORGEOUS guy and I couldn't speak, that guy was Bart and the rest is history - a new decade, a new century, a new millenium, a new life.

Monday, July 18, 2005

I have no original ideas right now...

I need topics or something...

Help a girl out.



What are you waiting for??


Thursday, July 14, 2005

THIS was my day...

1. Bart took the day off of work but woke up at sparrow's fart anyways.
2. So did baby.
3. Bart woke her up.
4. Bart takes his car to dealership - is piece of crap.
5. Picked Bart up from dealership - said it won't be ready until tomorrow. (Means will be awaking at sparrow's fart again tomorrow.)
6. Came home.
7. No shower.
8. Exhausted.
9. Call from dealership. They decided we have nothing else to spend our wads of excess cash on and will then, so graciously charge us over $700.
10. Kids fighting.
11. Baby crying.
12. Headache.
13. Hairy legs.
14. That's about it.


Sunday, July 10, 2005

If I die give this to the people I love...

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author believed to be
David Romano

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Your Public Service Announcement for today... Posted by Picasa

Friday, July 08, 2005

The things we don't say...

I keep this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I have a lousy memory and it really is nice to look back and read about how I was feeling, and what happened, and when. Secondly, I enjoy thinking that someone stumbling across my blog may find it remotely amusing. But, I must confess that it shows a picture of me that is rather 2 dimensional - and no, I don't mean literally. I mean there is a depth that is lacking in my blog that is not lacking in real life. What you see here people is a blog stripped of pain, sanitized of ugliness, and scrubbed of impurities.

The truth is, I cleanse my blog out of fear. I don't really want other people to know - not, you, my loyal readers, I don't mind letting you know, it's the people that know me in real life that just might find themselves looking at my blog. I fear transparency.

Beth and I were discussing an issue particularly close and scary in my life and I asked her to maybe write on the topic over at her place where very little seems taboo. She asked me a fair question, why I didn't broach the topic on my own little piece of turf.... it's an issue important to me and yet, I am too scared to see it in black and white in front of me.

There's a lot about me that blogland doesn't know. I was sent to rehab when I was 15 - away from all family and friends - in Hawaii. I stayed in rehab for 15 months. What no one knows is that I probably never needed it - probably could have kicked it all by myself but I wanted to be, no, needed to be, away from everyone.

I have 3 kids, by 3 different men. The man who is my son's dad went to prison 42 days after we were married and stayed there for 4.5 years. I married him because 1) I thought I could handle it and 2) I couldn't believe I was pregnant out of wedlock for the second time. I am married now to a man that I adore but we have faced the biggest obstacles, things that most never, ever have to face.

The biggest shock of all of that is that I'm a classy person from a good and decent family and am very intelligent. Somewhere along the line, I guess I decided that emotionally unavailable people were the ticket and that learning the hard way had it's merits. (I'm over that way of thinking now, btw)

Also, I NEVER have finished anything of significance that I have started. I think that's why I take mothering so seriously, I'll be damned if I screw THAT up.

So, there's a taste of the dark side. Just didn't want to leave you with that sicky sweet taste in your mouth after perusing my blog - I'm haunted and human, just like you.... maybe worse.


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Not perpetually Father's Day...

I've been a lazy ass when it comes to posting lately. Sorry. What to write about?? Hmmm.... well, let's see, Francesca had her 4.5 month checkup and she is officially enormous! She weighs 17 lbs. 2. oz. and was 26.5 inches long and that puts her in the 95 percentile for weight, length, and head circumference too! She is so adorably cute! She likes to "talk" and loud too.

Summer is wearing me thin. I love, love, love being with the kids but I wish I could keep them better occupied and also figure out a way to keep the house clean with kids in it.

I had a spot on my shoulder that magically appeared in January and thought it looked like a pic I saw in my SELF magazine article about skin cancer so I took myself to the doctor today and he said it looked to him like a hemangioma - to me that is so strange because a year and a half ago I wouldn't have known what that was but since then it has been determined that I have a cavernous hemangioma on my liver, my daughter was born with one on her right thumb, and now this one on my shoulder... seems odd to me. So, next stop dermatologist where I will ask to have it removed but the doctor told me that would be an involved process what with all the bleeding, etc. We shall see.

Bart and I had an awful fight today. Yelling hateful things, crying, etc. Stress... you know? To make matters worse, Bart has to work 3rd shift for the next 3 nights. 3rd shift nearly cost us our marriage at one point in time and I don't think we can forget that so we are entering this with some stress anyways. It's just 3 days so we will make it I'm sure.

We went to Bart's sister's house over the 4th weekend - his youngest brother was in town on leave from the Navy. It was a nice weekend for the most part.

Well, that is the gist of it. I'll try to do better about updating.