I ceased to be ME in your eyes but I am still here. Still hidden behind the inflated womb, the engorged breasts, and the maternal stores of fat. Still me. Still the one that longed for your touch and fed off of your affection. Still the one that needed it more than air. I am cheated of this because I don't look like the ME that you longed to touch, the ME that you drooled over, because I'm carrying this particular cargo. And I try to understand, I try to be tough skinned and hardened but... I am still ME. I am sad. I am sad too because I know that I won't always look like this and that someday you will long to touch me and you will drool over me again and then I will remember THIS version of ME and how will I feel then? They are both ME. I am sad.
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4 comments:
Don't be sad Ninna. I still love you and I think you're beautiful!
It made me cry to see you call me Ninna. I love having grown up with you.
I had a long tear streaked talk with Bart last night about how I was feeling. He was very nice about it and told me that it's more about his feelings of frustration over me not being able to stay home yet, of him being stuck in his job than it was about the way I look. Sounds about right for a man to feel that way. Me, being a woman, I feel like it HAS to be about the way I look.
At least it will help me justify it a little bit longer and I only have 80 days MAX left of this pregnancy. He was very sweet to me about it and was very affectionate last night.
Points for Bart.
I'm glad you guys talked about it. I though maybe he was concerned about your health and the baby (because of the cervix thing, and your heart). But I can see how Bart would be upset with himself about you not being able to stay home too. Bart is a nice guy. I'm glad you found him. And, this baby is going to be beautiful (not that your other two children aren't!)
I'm really glad you guys are working it out. I've known of lots of men who get frustrated when they can't provide the way they want to, and then it's hard to turn to the woman in their lives because they feel like the woman must be disappointed in them too. Pretty soon, you'll have that beautiful baby in your arms, and him by your side, and you guys will be crying all those happy tears that comes along with it all.
I'll be thinking of ya, honey.
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