Stacia Interviews Camille

1. What is your most favorite memory of us together?

This is a tough one. Honestly, I really think that my favorite is a very simple, not so exciting memory. I loved our sleepovers at your house, I slept on the trundle bed and we would talk so late into the night. We never quit talking in order to go to sleep we just talked until one of us was completely incoherent and then we just slipped into sleep - probably still talking. I've never had that with any other 'friend', never so much to talk about, never the desire to listen and talk, never the comfort. I guess that's my favorite. Is that stupid?

2. What do you consider your best physical feature?

My eyes. Not just because of how they look but because of what they see.

3. If you were given $5000 and couldn't spend it on anyone but yourself (and not on bills) what would you do with it?

I would have a breast lift and augmentation. I've breastfed 3 kids, need I say more?

4. Where's the one place you want to visit with just you and Bart? The whole family? Just you?

I would like to go to Bali with Bart. I would like to take the whole family to Europe. I would like to go to Maui.

5. Do you still want to be an astronaut? If not, what is the non-realistic job you would like?

Yes, I think that is still my best non-realistic job fit. I would love to see what the Earth looks like from far, far above.

Thought provoking questions. Thanks Stacia.

P.S. Love ya!

Camille

Chillin'

That's what I am doing after forking out $375 to the A/C repairman this morning. It could have been worse. The circuit board at the blower on the furnace was fried apparently. Anyone that has lived through a Texas summer knows how worth it my 'little' expenditure was.

I also think I broke my toe today. I was running for the phone and my toe caught the leg of the sofa. It is swollen and hurts like hell.

Well, HRH is screaming, I think it is time to change her. Yippee.

More later,
Camille

Sweat and other interesting topics....

I suppose I should be grateful that it isn't August. August in Dallas is miserably hot and humid. What I am NOT grateful for is the fact that my air conditioner quit working this morning. Blech. For those of you not following the bouncing ball over the lyrics of my life's happy tune, let me fill you in.... I have no job and air conditioning people aren't cheap. I have decided to eat ice cream instead of worry about it. I have also decided to wait until Tuesday to call the thieves, I mean AC repairman, since I don't want to have to pay quadruple for it being over a holiday weekend.

Aside from that, Bart and I argued most of the day yesterday which is not really normal for us anymore. Then last night, Morgan's 11th birthday party at her dad's house. It was supposed to be a pool party but it rained buckets yesterday so... we let them swim anyways. I mean, they were going to get wet anyway right? The party was fun for them.

Jake is with his dad in Beaumont this week. So, it's just me and 'Cesca this week. Well, if I don't post tomorrow - Happy Memorial Day - which is kind of stupid to say, I don't think we're supposed to necessarily be HAPPY on Memorial Day. Just memorialize those fighting for us and those that have fought for us in the past.

Camille

Never!!!

Never, ever, ever go and publicly announce how beautifully sweet and pleasant your baby is. Why? Because she will spontaneously turn into a big squalling crab. Well, at least it isn't constant. Maybe I shouldn't have said that either.

Beth, to answer your question, Bart has a BS in BS - no wait, that's his OTHER degree - I mean he has a BS in Information Technology with a focus on Web Development. He is currently pursuing his MBA. He has had it tough because in this market senior level people are still filling the junior level positions, which he is qualified for. (BTW - It drives me nuts that I just ended that sentence with a preposition but you know what - screw it - I feel dangerous.)

Stacia and I had a good long talk about her visit with Wes. I have an icky feeling about this. I hope it ends up better than it sounded. I feel like screaming "Run Stacia, Run" but she is a big girl (not literally) and she can make solid decisions for herself.

The kiddos last day of school is today. Morgan will never be in elementary school again. I do feel oddly sentimental about that too. I went and saw her do a little talent show at school - she and some friends danced and sang an Avril Lavigne (sp?) song. She was pretty darn good.

She won all kinds of awards today. She got commended performance on her 3 Taks tests - she got an award for having the highest score in the school on the language arts test - she got 100% right so I guess that's about as high as it gets. (She gets that from me.) She also got commended in math and science. (She does NOT get that from me.) She also had perfect attendance this year - both she and Jake got that this year. (It was a good year as far as no illnesses.) She got a presidential honor certificate - signed by George W. Bush.

What a kid.

Morgan is like me in some ways and just not in others. I love the person she is and is becoming. (Minus the preteen drama.)

Jacob is so very creative. He is showing artistic talent. He is a handsome boy with eyelashes I wish my girls had gotten. He's a smart kid too and funny and sensitive.

OK, enough gushing.

I guess I'll save my worrying for another post. It doesn't seem to fit in this one.

Camille

Not quite summertime and the living is relatively easy...

The blogs I read have made me feel almost a little guilty. Seems everyone is having it pretty rough with their new little babies and you know what? I'm not. Maybe I don't count because this is my third time around. Whatever the reason, I don't have a lot of trouble with Francesca. She has her crabby days but mostly, she is just a pleasant baby. She has her daily ups and downs but it's no big deal. So, don't hate me because my baby is beautiful.

Bart is burned out. It's been a long road of education and interviewing and still naught to show for it all and he is so tired. Poor Bart. After a while, consolation seems trite. I just let him rant now. I can't blame him. I would rant too. I just try to get him to rant more quietly.

Well, that's all for now.

Camille

Bad blogger, bad blogger....

I am a bad, bad blogger these months. I'll try to reform my errant ways. Francesca is just over 3 months old now. What is she up to these days? At 7 weeks she started grinning at everything, at 9 weeks she started grabbing her toes and found her thumb to suck. At 11 weeks she began rolling over. This was a surprise to me, especially since she only does it the hard way - rolling from her back to her belly. She does it with very little effort now. She 'talks' a lot now and Bart is trying very hard to teach her to say "Da-dee" She is coming closer to that. It's amazing to watch her concentrate on trying to do things. You can actually see her determination.

My other chickadees will be out of school as of next Friday. This is the end of Morgan's last year of Elementary school. Unbelievable.

Oh yeah, I quit my job. I thought I was going to go back. In fact, I did go back, but the thought of leaving the baby for 12 hours a day was more than I could take. On my one day back, when I realized that, at lunch time, I still had 6.5 more hours to go, that was it.

So, now we budget, scrimp, and save BUT at least the baby doesn't think that the old lady at daycare is her mom... you know?

Big girl

At Francesca's one month checkup last week she weighed 11 lb 13 oz and was 22 in long. She will be 5 weeks old tomorrow and is already so big. I don't recall my first 2 kids being this big until they were 3 months old. It's amazing. She got her HepB immunization and I wanted to hit that nurse. You'd think we could come up with a more humane way of doing things - we've been to the moon but we still have to puncture babies with huge needles. Grrrr.

Her eyes look like they may stay blue - in some lights they look almost purple. She is starting to coo more and smiles more often, mostly at Bart. She is a really good baby- she sleeps very well at night. The rest of us are doing well.

I'll have to grab Bart's notes from Francesca's birth and record the details here but for now I've gotta go.

Camille

Enamored

Francesca Claire Emery, born Feb 17th at 11:22 am, 8lbs 13 oz., 20.5 in, she has us mesmerized. She is beautiful and more than I could have dared imagine. We're all head over heels in love.

Bart is turned to mush. He is so wonderful with her. The kids are dazzled.

I am blessed and content.

Camille

STILL pregnant...

Over 3 cm dilated. 75% effaced. Bag of amniotic fluid literally BULGING. Head WAY low. Yet, still pregnant. To quote my doctor, "I can't understand why you aren't going into labor." Um, yeah, me neither.

Will induce on Thursday if Francesca still hasn't come by then. I think she's quite comfy where she is, thank you very much, so I do anticipate being induced at this point.

Sorry for being so unreachable. Story for another time and place. Let's all think happy, go-into-labor thoughts please!! Thanks so much.

That's it for now.

Camille

Come out, come out, whoever you are...

Every night this week I lie in bed and time contractions for 3-4 hours. Every night they get to about 13-15 minutes apart and then stop. Enough teasing me already! Let's get this show on the road. I would very much like to have this baby and not be pregnant ever, ever again. I'm so tired. At last Thursday's appt I was dilated to 1.5 cm and was 60% effaced and I go back to the dr again today. I'll be glad to see what, if anything, this week's contractions have done to me. Oh, here's a nice strong one as we speak.... ooooh, these are so much fun. Especially sitting at your desk at work. Love it! Bart has put himself back on the patch and so far, so good. Has been a little "antsy" and broke down and smoked a couple of times but overall is really handling this well so far. Well, I have to waddle down the hall for a meeting now.

Camille

Maximum: 23 Working Days

That lifts my spirits some! I just figured out that there are a maximum of 23 working days left prior to me taking my maternity leave. Oh that is SO good. It even sounds like a number I can handle and I like that. That being said, I am also down to a maximum of 41 days until this baby is born! Tick, tock, tick, tock. Come on already! I washed up the baby stuff for the bassinette and the carseats and the swing. There is still a lot to be done around the house but Bart has committed 4 weekend hours to me each weekend to help me get this stuff done and that should help out a lot.

Bart has just enrolled in his MBA program through Colorado Technical University. He will be done in 15 months. I am already counting the months - I'll be glad when that is done. I can only imagine how stressed out he is going to be and I hate the thought of that. He's a tough cookie though and I'm sure he'll pull through okay.

Well, enough for now.

Camille

Purging

As the calendar page turned to the New Year, it incited within me a panic that I suppose was lying dormant. It was January of last year, the 23rd to be precise, that Bart left. La-la-la-la. Then he came back. I don't want to talk about it except to say that I had kept every email we wrote each other during that time frame and I had ignored them completely since his homecoming but then when I realized it was January, well, I figured it was time to torture myself I guess and feed the flames of terror that were just waiting for a little fanning. So, a week or so ago I read them all. It was oppressive and terrifying and made me very sad and scared. So, today.... today I purged. I deleted every single one of them. I didn't even open them again to see which ones I was deleting, I just selected the one that started on the 26th (the first one he sent me after he left) and selected every email until the beginning of May and hit delete all. Then I deleted them from my deleted folder. I don't know why I kept them in the first place, they weren't doing anybody any good sitting in there. It was just a ball of hurt I wanted to keep around for some bizarre reason that I don't even know. So, they're gone.

Onward....
Camille

55: Maximum # of Days Remaining

I will repress the urge to panic and b*tch about all of the million things that need done before this baby gets here. I will repress the urge to scream. I will repress the urge to vent about how I feel very alone in the feeling that these things need done. I will, I will, I will.

Next topic: There is only so far that my belly actually CAN expand, right? I feel like I am literally going to split down the middle.

Yet another topic: Oh, never mind. I can't think of anything productive to say. I am cranky and I want to be pampered a bit.

Blah.

Camille

...and a Happy New Year

It's the end of another year. For me this year has been terrible and wonderful, full of growth and introspection. I feel aged after this one, that is for certain. It was the year I turned 30, but that is not what aged me. I lost my ideal and found it all at once. I hurt at the hands of the person I love the most and then had to come to realize that I had a role in my own pain after all. I set myself aside and found that in doing so, that was where my fulfillment had to ultimately come from. I proved to myself that I was stronger than I thought, a better person than I had been previously and that in spite of a shattered spirit, broken heart, and disturbed mind, I could, if necessary, put one foot in front of the other and proceed forward. I learned how to swallow great mouthfuls of pain because what I really wanted was to move past it. I learned that in moving past it, there comes healing in smaller bite sized chunks. I learned to fight for what was most important and to leave the lesser battles alone when at all possible. I learned to take risks when the rewards mean enough. I learned that the odds aren't always stacked against me and even when they are, sometimes I can still beat them, but for the grace of God. I learned that I have all I need and that is all that matters. I learned a lot in 2004.

I face forward into 2005 and pray for less tumult, for peace in our home, for joy in our hearts. I pray for health for my family, for patience to surpass my frustrations, for the desire to search out the beauty in the midst of chaos. I pray for contentment without complacency, for wisdom without conceit. I pray that I will learn just as much this coming year as I did last year, but please God, without the agony, if at all possible. I pray that I never forget the hard learned lessons of the past and that I never take for granted the ones I hold dear.

Happy New Year.

Camille

Oh, my aching EVERYTHING

I don't sleep. I am never comfortable. I feel like I will split in two. I ache in places I didn't know COULD ache. I am SO, SO, SO ready for it to be February. Can't I just go to sleep for 6-8 weeks? Please? 'Cesca has turned herself into a more sensible position for delivery, so that is good news. She feels enormous in there already, I can't imagine how I can possibly get any bigger but I imagine I will surprise myself. I'm TRYING to be a good human being and every time I don't feel well (always), think about all of the hundreds of thousands of people that are suffering an unspeakable tragedy due to the tsunamis this week. I simply can't imagine the horror. God help all of those affected. What a horrific story and what a horrible way to finally be convinced you need some type of warning system.

On a related note, I was furious when I read this quote from a lawyer representing the family of a little girl that went blind due to an allergic reaction to Children's Motrin, "This is the equivalent of a medical tsunami -- there was no warning put out whatsoever on this apparently benign, over-the-counter medicine," Sabrina Brierton Johnson's attorney Browne Green said.

The tactless insensitivity of this remark stunned me. Um, Browne Green (what a name btw), you soundbyte whore - how can you compare the unfortunate blindness of your client to a VERY RECENT event that has now killed over 80,000 people?????? Bet the families affected by the tsunamis only wished their relatives had been blinded instead of having suffered a tragic death. The way some people attempt to capitalize on tragedy is appalling. Good grief! Now I think I need some Motrin myself....

OK, I'm done.

TTFN...
Camille

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...

Last night, Christmas Eve 2004, we did the standard stuff. Each year the kids and I log on to NORAD's Santa tracking site to see where in the world Santa is delivering his toys. We set out the cookies that we make for Santa and we read the Christmas story from Luke chapter 2. Jake was more restless and excited this year than I've ever seen him. Wonder how much more time we have before he learns the sad truth about Santa. I don't care what anybody says, I'm 30 years old, and it's still more fun to believe in Santa - so I just will... in some form.

Then I send the kiddos off to bed, then the night gets very hectic, wrapping presents, stuffing stockings, eating cookies, etc. I got to bed around 1 a.m. Bart had to work last night which stinks for him, but at least it marked the end of this stint on 3rd shift.

The morning started early, 7 a.m., and the kids ran down the stairs, tore into their stockings, tore into the presents, and by 8 a.m. it was time to start cleaning up the aftermath which took a lot more effort than getting it all set up in the first place. By 9:30 a.m. the kids were both gone to their dad's. That's always the hard part.

I came home, napped, tried to nurse Bart the best I could (he's got the cold I had last week, I'm afraid). All in all, it was a nice day - we had Burger King for lunch, Pizza for dinner. We sat around lazily all day watching movies on TV. We watched The Jackal, Unforgiven, and Frequency. We watched Francesca putting on her own show in my belly. She's such a wiggle-butt.

Well, that was the day in a nutshell. Merry Christmas 2004 and to all a very, very good night,

Camille

Return of the Blah...

The second trimester was pretty nice... Now I'm in # 3 and I'm afraid the Blah has returned. The past 2 mornings I have been waking up feeling weak and shaky and have to lay/sit down a whole lot. I'm hoping it's just a passing thing... I have too much to get done before Christmas, before Francesca.

Speaking of Francesca - I found her a $600 crib and a $100 crib mattress that were new in April '04 for a grand total of $150 including delivery to the house! This couple had their baby in April and have had the crib in their room but then decided on co-sleeping instead and the crib is in the way. So, it's essentially brand new. I looked up the crib on some retail sites (you can only get this crib at specialty stores) and sure enough it ranges from $589-629 retail.

So, Francesca will be sleeping in style. I'm so excited!! Plus, my mom is sending us $100 of that $150 as a present for little baby 'Cesca. So... yeah!!

Well, I'm going to get some water now and try not to pass out.

Camille

Humbug and other Grinchy thoughts

I think it is safe to say that I am not much in the holiday mood this year. I feel skittish about spending money this year with Baby Francesca's debut right around the corner. I also don't feel like shopping. I just feel like finding a position in which I can be comfortable - I just want a full night's sleep (no comment needed - I know what I'm in store for, I've done this twice before) - I just want Christmas to be over. Sigh. So, bah. Bah Humbug. Double bah.

Other than that, what can I say.... I got the results for my labwork and my blood sugar is good, I'm anemic, and my other test was negative. Which is very, very good.

Umm... I'm blank now. Nothing more to write about at this time.

Bah...
Camille

ME

I ceased to be ME in your eyes but I am still here. Still hidden behind the inflated womb, the engorged breasts, and the maternal stores of fat. Still me. Still the one that longed for your touch and fed off of your affection. Still the one that needed it more than air. I am cheated of this because I don't look like the ME that you longed to touch, the ME that you drooled over, because I'm carrying this particular cargo. And I try to understand, I try to be tough skinned and hardened but... I am still ME. I am sad. I am sad too because I know that I won't always look like this and that someday you will long to touch me and you will drool over me again and then I will remember THIS version of ME and how will I feel then? They are both ME. I am sad.

28 weeks

Had my 28 week appt. yesterday and took the glucose test. That stuff isn't so bad - tastes like Orange Crush with double syrup and no carbonation. Not something I'd drink on my own but fell just short of vomitous on the drinkability scale. Baby is doing fine. Wiggliest kid I've ever felt, heard of, etc. I KNOW the other kids didn't move this much. I think I may be feeling it more because of her position - she is transverse - although I think she may have moved last night since I'm feeling some kicking up toward my ribs. The best news (other than baby is good) was that I had only gained 1 lb. since last appt. and that was over Thanksgiving too! I hope the worst of my gaining is through. As my doctor put it, I certainly have gained more than enough this pregnancy already. True, true.

Bart and I had childbirth preparation classes all this past weekend. The lady was super thorough so Bart knows what to expect at this point, at least as much as a classroom setting can preapare a person. This is such a different experience for me, going through this with my husband. I'm not too revealing with my previous situations but Baby 1: Her dad and I were young and it was not the right thing for us to be married. Baby 2: I was married but when I was 4 months pregnant his Dad was removed from our lives. Baby 3: As you can see, a completely different story. I'm so happy to be sharing this whole experience with him. There is no element of trauma like in my other pregnancies. Of course, with my first 2, I was still happy about the babies, it was just HARD. I can see why this is the 'ideal' way of doing things. Not that it doesn't have it's own challenges, but it's so much better.

That's all for now...
Camille