Too sickening to do...

We couldn't do it. It was too much stress, too many red flags, just way too much, period. So, we have agreed to not even discuss it for another year. In the meantime, Francesca loves her school. Jacob and Morgan started back to school yesterday. So far, so good.

Yesterday was also Jacob's 9th birthday. That's so hard to believe that he is that old. I remember bringing home my skinny lanky precious baby boy just like it was yesterday. It was probably the hardest day of my life because I was bringing him home to raise by myself, together with his big sister. I was scared and lonely. It made me love him all the more. He was and is the sweetest boy. I couldn't have asked for more.

My classes start back up tomorrow. I'm most nervous about that. I've handled going back to work pretty well but I haven't been in classes either. I don't know how I'm going to juggle everything. Already things are slipping - the grocery shopping, the meals, the patience. Bart is already telling me that I don't HAVE to work. We shall see. I really hope to handle it all. If I can't I guess work is going to have to go, I can't and won't quit school again.

Well, I guess that's about it for now.

Camille

Buying/Building a New Home Makes me Nauseous

Does everyone feel like this? The truth of the matter is that we have really outgrown our space. We NEED (not just want) more space. So, we have been looking for a home and I THINK we have decided to build.... and it scares me to the point of nausea. I have alternating periods of excitement and fear... in alarmingly close proximity. Ack. Excuse me while I go vomit. Will write more later.

Complications.

So, we were dancing along through my first week of work. Everything was great. Then Saturday comes along and Francesca is inconsolable. Pulling on her ear. In pain. I lost it a little bit, okay, more than a little bit. I sobbed. One week in daycare and she already has an ear infection. Fortunately, my ped offers Saturday a.m. appts and I got her in and she is on antibiotics. Bart was strong for me. I was a puddle of mush. He, of course, is right. Our older kids did just fine and went through all of the same things. So, I'm sucking it up and plowing ahead.

The mood may never be right...

Pearl S. Buck is quoted as saying, "I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

I am about to go into Day 3 of my new job. I like the people a lot. I like the opportunity. I see the potential for me to make an impact.

Francesca loves her school so far and the teachers say she is fitting in perfectly. Jacob had a little trouble with some snot-nosed little punks but I think that is getting better. Those kids just didn't know how hot under the collar that made us. You'd just have to know Jake to understand. He's so happy and nice. Anyways, we educated him in the art of ignoring and dirty looks and things are smoothing out.

Morgan is staying home during the day and she is doing well. I work so close that I come home and have lunch with her and that is great. She has started sewing some totes on the sewing machine and is doing a great job.

Today is my Daddy's birthday. He and my stepmom are packing up and heading to Mexico today. They will be staying there for 2 months and then will swing by here on their way home in October. I hope they have safe travels and that he has a happy birthday.

I guess that's about it for now.

Camille

Ummm, it's vintage....

So, since I start work on Monday, I have had to go through my closet and see what is still wearable from my work wardrobe from 2.5 years ago, well, actually more like over 3 years ago since my work wardrobe for most of 2004 and the first two months of 2005 consisted of maternity clothes.

So, I found a couple of things in my closet that I've had FOREVER.

A GAP red long sleeve t-shirt that I've had since I was 14.
A t-shirt from a walk-a-thon I did when I was 15.
A dress I wore to a company party when I was 23.

I wondered what are the oldest items of clothing still in your closet?

What's the most useless thing you have in your closet that you will probably never, ever wear?

Mine is a pair of black cowboy boots that a guy bought me on our first date so he could take me to a country bar. I don't really do the cowboy boot thing (or the country bar thing). I wore them one other time for a western themed night at a conference I went to in Scottsdale, AZ. I keep them just in case I have another need for for western night attire.

Going back in the closet...
Camille

Bad day to go to the zoo.

Today is my last full weekday with the kids so I wanted to do something special with them. So, I packed them up to go to the Dallas Zoo. Off I-35. In Dallas. At 9:40-ish am. You guys read CNN.com much? So, that's about the time some gas plant decided to explode. Yeah. I was actually on the Dallas North Tollway when it happened and commented to my son that it didn't look good. Well, the exit to I-35 was blocked off but I didn't know what had happened and thought I could get on somewhere else. So I took some back streets and ended up on Industrial. Yeah. The street the stinking plant is on. Ended up at Commerce and Industrial with an excellent view of the whole thing. Sheesh. A couple hours later we ended up back home playing in the inflatable swimming pool in the backyard. So much fun.

The answer to the question is....

To work.

I have accepted a position that is ideal for me. It is only a couple of minutes from the house and the kids' schools. The hours are normal daytime hours. I think I'm as ready as I can be. I have signed the younger two kids up for daycare and I'm happy with my choice of schools. It seems like a pretty cool place.

In other news, I was accepted to Upper Iowa University. I will continue my pursuit of my BS in Human Resources Management. It will take a while but time passes regardless, right?

Well, that's all for now.

Camille

To work or not to work? That is the question.

I am really quite conflicted. Part of me is very ready to return to work and the adult world. Part of me is very ready to earn money again. All of me is ready for a new house that fits us all. Very little of me is ready to have the kids in daycare again and have to make arrangements for before and after school for my oldest as well. I really don't know what to do at all. So, I'm in a quandry here. What to do? What to do?

More later,
Camille

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

I know I'm behind the rest of the pack with having JUST read this book. I'm so glad I finally did. It was a sad story but it really drew you in. What I loved most about the book was the honesty of self-reflection of the main character, Amir. He never tried to make himself seem anything but what he was, with all the unpleasant, oft hidden traits so familiar to the rest of us. It was also a very interesting glimpse into Afghani culture pre-Soviet and US wars. I will be reading Hosseini's new book soon, A Thousand Splendid Suns. I hope it "grabs" me as this one did.

A little bit of nothing...

I have nothing at all to say so I figured that I would say it here. I was going back over some of my previous years posts and thought about sanitizing some of them for readers that know me. I only have a couple of those kind of readers. Actually, since I quit updating, they may be my only readers. Anyways, I thought about cleaning it up a bit but then I decided against it. Why would I do that? It's hard to be transparent. I talked about that once. I can't say that this blog is an accurate depiction of who Camille really is... (anybody out there giggling about that sentence?) The point is this, I don't trust in the anonymity of the internet and that being said, can't be too open. Maybe some other blog in some future years and I will be able to do that. Maybe. There are some things that are kept very close to the vest and I can't see my way around that. But the absences - the things I don't say - they represent the greater part of who I am. I think that is why I don't update as much anymore, there is too much not to say. Nothing dramatic, my present is very ordinary I guess. Ach, now I'm being vague and cryptic. Whatever. It's not important.

Overall, I'm very happy. Bart and I are doing well. We both are suffering from the mundane monotony of it all but far better that than other drama. But we're bored. Collectively. I told him out of the blue the other day that he should make sure to never associate the way our lives are right now as something for which I am responsible. I took the opportunity to remind him that it was me that was always dragging him out of the house to go do this or that and see this or that. I hated sitting still, hated being stagnate. Well, I thought he should be reminded that I am still that person, I haven't changed.

Have you thought about that? I told my girlfriend that I haven't changed, I just get more and more surprised when I look in the mirror. I'm the same person. I think as a child, or even as a young adult (WTF am I now?), I didn't think it would work this way. But it does.

I love my children. I love my husband. I will continue to pour all of myself into this life. But let me tell you, I can't wait for an empty nest. Is that horrible? I want so much that I never had. That I denied myself. I exchanged youth for motherhood. It was a good trade but I want some of it back and dammit, it will be mine. Someday. Someday.

Still alive.

I AM still among the living. I can't describe the feelings behind the past few months that have made me so absent. Just that I've been pretty absent altogether I guess. I have relied on auto pilot to get me here and I can't say I've emerged from that state completely. In major news around here, Bart has a new job, Francesca is potty trained, Morgan is a teenager, and Jacob is still Jacob...a great kid. I am changing schools, considering a return to work, and just trying to keep it all together. I guess that's about it. Anyways, I'm still breathing and I just wanted to make a note of that.

Blah, blah, blah,
Camille

Happy Birthday to You...

Hey Stacia... Tomorrow it will be 33 years since you were born and I have known you more than half of your life! Wow! You're really old you know that? Me, I'm just a youngster and won't be 33 for another 10 whole days after you. We are younger today than we ever will be again though.

You are a treasure my dear. I never could have asked for a better friend than you. Boy, you sure have seen me through some stupid times, some hard times, more stupid times, even harder times.... etc. You are a wonderful woman Stacia and I am so proud to know you and to love you and to be loved by you. Happy Birthday to my very best friend, I hope that this year brings you lots of fulfillment and peace.

Love you,
Camille

6 years and counting

February 3rd marked 6 years since Bart and I had our first date. Stacia can tell you what a phenomenal thing that is. Prior to Bart my relationships either lasted 3 months or 3 years. Literally. So, Bart and I have doubled the longest time I ever spent with anyone else. Bart and I have had many trials, some that seemed insurmountable but we came back, plowed through, refused to give up, and determined to make it better and you know what? We really have. Bart is not the same man that I went on that first date with. Neither am I the same woman. We have aged and matured and become more tolerant of one another all the while trying to accomodate the other as best we can. I love Bart. I really do. In addition to all the aforementioned, I have to say, he still lights my fire too. I'm a very, VERY lucky woman.

So today is Valentine's Day, a date which years ago stopped being the anniversary of my first failed marriage in my head. I'm not a failure for having married and divorced the wrong man for me. My marriage was a failure, at the fault of both of us. Anyways, I digress.

The point is this, I've learned with Bart that I CAN be successful as a wife, a damn good wife. I can be with this man and love him ferociously. So I have, and I do, and I will. I look forward to the rest of our life together.

Happy 6 years.

Busy, busy, busy...

Firt of all I have to mention that I had a great day with Stacia today. It never lasts long enough but I will take what I can get! Other than that, my mom and one of my brothers came to visit the 27th through the 31st and it was wonderful seeing them. My mom's health has been poor over the years and I don't get to see her much. I hadn't seen her in 3+ years before this visit and when I last saw her it was only for lunch. It did us both a lot of good. Christmas was hectic but good and I am glad for things to return to their normal chaotic state.

Bart and I fell in love with a house and we put our names on the list to purchase the model - won't happen for a couple of years (hopefully) giving us the time we need to get our stuff in order to actually move in.

Well, that's all for now.

Camille

Much Better...

Ahhhhhh.... Wellbutrin to the rescue. Am so much better now. Feeling more connected to myself now. Not disjointed. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving at home - peaceful and filling - just the way I like it. I cooked and everything turned out perfectly and I wasn't stressed cooking it. It was just a great time.

I haven't written about baby girl in a while. She is talking up a storm - saying sentences, singing. She's adorable with a healthy dose of mischief stirred in. She sings "Tinkle, tinkle stahs, chickwar bok bok so high" What a doll baby. She also sings "Moon, moon, moon, shi-ee bite". She's a genius I tell you! :o)

That's all for now.

Camille

As promised...

Here it is, a happier post. It took me a while to come out of cave mode. Specifically, it took me a while, some antidepressants, a drunken night of crying, and now... well, now I feel mostly better. Mostly I say because honestly, I still feel a bit disjointed and have a weird out of body kind of feeling. I hope that doesn't sound too odd but really, I've been that way for a while now and can't seem to change it. BUT... this is the happier post right? So anyways, I'm feeling mostly better. Now I just need to get my house back in order. Stacia knows that my home is generally a pretty good indicator of my state of mind. Chaotic mind = chaotic home. When I am depressed I become paralyzed and easily overwhelmed and so I do nothing. So... like me, it is a wreck. Happy post, happy post, happy post....

I have become good friends with the girl that I watch babies with during the week and I so needed that. She is doing Weight Watchers with me now, I need to drop 6 pounds. Hate the hip fat. Uggh. It's not easy for me to make friends so this is quite the headliner in my life. But you know, we've been together at least 24 hours a week for the past 3 months and never have we gotten on each others nerves or seemed incompatible at all. So nice.

Anyways, there you have it, the positive post. Will b*tch more next time.

Camille

I'm tired.

Well, as an update from the last post, the grand total so far from the sale of those books is $812. Not kidding. What a lucky find. Wish it could be like that all the time.

Bart and I will have our fifth anniversary next Saturday. I wish that it wasn't next Saturday. Why? Things are rough right now. Really rough. I don't want to get into it. I'm sure we'll get through it, we always do but I'm tired and that makes it harder you know, when you're numb.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

It sucks.

Happier post next time, I promise.

Camille

In the money...

Well, a little bit of it anyways. Today I went to the local resale store and saw a whole shelf full of brand new law and business text books. Some still shrinkwrapped and all 2006 or 2007 editions. So, I picked up 8 of them and thought, "I just paid out the wazoo for MY textbooks so maybe someone will buy these from me." I paid .25 each for them. I came home and listed them on half.com and within 45 minutes, I sold 4 of them for a total of $299. Yep... sweet. So, I went back and bought 8 more. Not a bad deal huh?

Enthusiasm vs. Determination (or "Last Semester vs. This Semester")

Yeah. I'm hating this semester so far. I think it's just because I started too many things at once and now I'm overwhelmed. So this is where the enthusiasm ends (wow, that was short-lived) and the determination kicks in.

I don't have a great track record when it comes to finishing things - it's something I really hate to admit. However, that black mark on my record has made me all the more determined to actually come away with a diploma someday. I will. If I hate it every damn day, I swear, I will. Hate is a strong word. Let's just say that I really, really, really, really don't want to pick up the Art History book. (Which is what I am supposed to be doing now, by the way.)

So, with much determination, I back away from the keyboard. I will write again after I read the next 2 chapters and write my papers.

Camille

Anyone have some toothpicks...

with which I can prop open my eyelids? These days the theme of my life is "sheer exhaustion". Bart and I procured a new minivan... oh yes, we have entered the borg for sure. To pay for said minivan I have secured a "little" job where I take the baby with me and help out a couple of ladies with their in home daycare and preschool.

I really like it more than I thought I could and cope better than I thought I could. Good news since I recently changed my major to Education and have thus decided that working with kids will play a large role in my future. So, that being said, in addition to my college classes this semester, one online and one on campus for 2.75 hours on Thursday nights, and my "little" job, I have 16 hours of student teaching to fulfill, this in addition to everything that always has made my life chaotic in the past, none of that has gone away.

Soooooo.... I'm sleepy. Pray for me folks, that's all I can ask. I need it.

Francesca is 18 months old now and is taking to the new "little" job well and doesn't mind the little babies very much at all. Oh, her new funny thing is that she likes this one air freshner commercial and she walks around making sniffing noises and saying "nice", just like the commercial. She is a real character.

Jacob is in baseball practice now, I guess the season starts next week. Morgan is full of vinegar these days and I don't imagine that will be changing anytime soon so I need to figure out how to adapt and overcome on that front. She's looking less and less like a girl and more and more like a young woman and people are starting to notice and I just want to lock her up for the rest of her life. Uggh. God help us all. Literally.

Well, this post required most of my remaining brain juice for the day and now my forehead has a big flashing sign on it that reads "recharge battery immediately or lose all saved work", and so, I think it must be bedtime. So... very... tired...

Night night,
Camille