To work or not to work? That is the question.

I am really quite conflicted. Part of me is very ready to return to work and the adult world. Part of me is very ready to earn money again. All of me is ready for a new house that fits us all. Very little of me is ready to have the kids in daycare again and have to make arrangements for before and after school for my oldest as well. I really don't know what to do at all. So, I'm in a quandry here. What to do? What to do?

More later,
Camille

A little bit of nothing...

I have nothing at all to say so I figured that I would say it here. I was going back over some of my previous years posts and thought about sanitizing some of them for readers that know me. I only have a couple of those kind of readers. Actually, since I quit updating, they may be my only readers. Anyways, I thought about cleaning it up a bit but then I decided against it. Why would I do that? It's hard to be transparent. I talked about that once. I can't say that this blog is an accurate depiction of who Camille really is... (anybody out there giggling about that sentence?) The point is this, I don't trust in the anonymity of the internet and that being said, can't be too open. Maybe some other blog in some future years and I will be able to do that. Maybe. There are some things that are kept very close to the vest and I can't see my way around that. But the absences - the things I don't say - they represent the greater part of who I am. I think that is why I don't update as much anymore, there is too much not to say. Nothing dramatic, my present is very ordinary I guess. Ach, now I'm being vague and cryptic. Whatever. It's not important.

Overall, I'm very happy. Bart and I are doing well. We both are suffering from the mundane monotony of it all but far better that than other drama. But we're bored. Collectively. I told him out of the blue the other day that he should make sure to never associate the way our lives are right now as something for which I am responsible. I took the opportunity to remind him that it was me that was always dragging him out of the house to go do this or that and see this or that. I hated sitting still, hated being stagnate. Well, I thought he should be reminded that I am still that person, I haven't changed.

Have you thought about that? I told my girlfriend that I haven't changed, I just get more and more surprised when I look in the mirror. I'm the same person. I think as a child, or even as a young adult (WTF am I now?), I didn't think it would work this way. But it does.

I love my children. I love my husband. I will continue to pour all of myself into this life. But let me tell you, I can't wait for an empty nest. Is that horrible? I want so much that I never had. That I denied myself. I exchanged youth for motherhood. It was a good trade but I want some of it back and dammit, it will be mine. Someday. Someday.

Still alive.

I AM still among the living. I can't describe the feelings behind the past few months that have made me so absent. Just that I've been pretty absent altogether I guess. I have relied on auto pilot to get me here and I can't say I've emerged from that state completely. In major news around here, Bart has a new job, Francesca is potty trained, Morgan is a teenager, and Jacob is still Jacob...a great kid. I am changing schools, considering a return to work, and just trying to keep it all together. I guess that's about it. Anyways, I'm still breathing and I just wanted to make a note of that.

Blah, blah, blah,
Camille

Busy, busy, busy...

Firt of all I have to mention that I had a great day with Stacia today. It never lasts long enough but I will take what I can get! Other than that, my mom and one of my brothers came to visit the 27th through the 31st and it was wonderful seeing them. My mom's health has been poor over the years and I don't get to see her much. I hadn't seen her in 3+ years before this visit and when I last saw her it was only for lunch. It did us both a lot of good. Christmas was hectic but good and I am glad for things to return to their normal chaotic state.

Bart and I fell in love with a house and we put our names on the list to purchase the model - won't happen for a couple of years (hopefully) giving us the time we need to get our stuff in order to actually move in.

Well, that's all for now.

Camille

Much Better...

Ahhhhhh.... Wellbutrin to the rescue. Am so much better now. Feeling more connected to myself now. Not disjointed. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving at home - peaceful and filling - just the way I like it. I cooked and everything turned out perfectly and I wasn't stressed cooking it. It was just a great time.

I haven't written about baby girl in a while. She is talking up a storm - saying sentences, singing. She's adorable with a healthy dose of mischief stirred in. She sings "Tinkle, tinkle stahs, chickwar bok bok so high" What a doll baby. She also sings "Moon, moon, moon, shi-ee bite". She's a genius I tell you! :o)

That's all for now.

Camille

As promised...

Here it is, a happier post. It took me a while to come out of cave mode. Specifically, it took me a while, some antidepressants, a drunken night of crying, and now... well, now I feel mostly better. Mostly I say because honestly, I still feel a bit disjointed and have a weird out of body kind of feeling. I hope that doesn't sound too odd but really, I've been that way for a while now and can't seem to change it. BUT... this is the happier post right? So anyways, I'm feeling mostly better. Now I just need to get my house back in order. Stacia knows that my home is generally a pretty good indicator of my state of mind. Chaotic mind = chaotic home. When I am depressed I become paralyzed and easily overwhelmed and so I do nothing. So... like me, it is a wreck. Happy post, happy post, happy post....

I have become good friends with the girl that I watch babies with during the week and I so needed that. She is doing Weight Watchers with me now, I need to drop 6 pounds. Hate the hip fat. Uggh. It's not easy for me to make friends so this is quite the headliner in my life. But you know, we've been together at least 24 hours a week for the past 3 months and never have we gotten on each others nerves or seemed incompatible at all. So nice.

Anyways, there you have it, the positive post. Will b*tch more next time.

Camille

I'm tired.

Well, as an update from the last post, the grand total so far from the sale of those books is $812. Not kidding. What a lucky find. Wish it could be like that all the time.

Bart and I will have our fifth anniversary next Saturday. I wish that it wasn't next Saturday. Why? Things are rough right now. Really rough. I don't want to get into it. I'm sure we'll get through it, we always do but I'm tired and that makes it harder you know, when you're numb.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

It sucks.

Happier post next time, I promise.

Camille