The things we don't say...

I keep this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I have a lousy memory and it really is nice to look back and read about how I was feeling, and what happened, and when. Secondly, I enjoy thinking that someone stumbling across my blog may find it remotely amusing. But, I must confess that it shows a picture of me that is rather 2 dimensional - and no, I don't mean literally. I mean there is a depth that is lacking in my blog that is not lacking in real life. What you see here people is a blog stripped of pain, sanitized of ugliness, and scrubbed of impurities.

The truth is, I cleanse my blog out of fear. I don't really want other people to know - not, you, my loyal readers, I don't mind letting you know, it's the people that know me in real life that just might find themselves looking at my blog. I fear transparency.

Beth and I were discussing an issue particularly close and scary in my life and I asked her to maybe write on the topic over at her place where very little seems taboo. She asked me a fair question, why I didn't broach the topic on my own little piece of turf.... it's an issue important to me and yet, I am too scared to see it in black and white in front of me.

There's a lot about me that blogland doesn't know. I was sent to rehab when I was 15 - away from all family and friends - in Hawaii. I stayed in rehab for 15 months. What no one knows is that I probably never needed it - probably could have kicked it all by myself but I wanted to be, no, needed to be, away from everyone.

I have 3 kids, by 3 different men. The man who is my son's dad went to prison 42 days after we were married and stayed there for 4.5 years. I married him because 1) I thought I could handle it and 2) I couldn't believe I was pregnant out of wedlock for the second time. I am married now to a man that I adore but we have faced the biggest obstacles, things that most never, ever have to face.

The biggest shock of all of that is that I'm a classy person from a good and decent family and am very intelligent. Somewhere along the line, I guess I decided that emotionally unavailable people were the ticket and that learning the hard way had it's merits. (I'm over that way of thinking now, btw)

Also, I NEVER have finished anything of significance that I have started. I think that's why I take mothering so seriously, I'll be damned if I screw THAT up.

So, there's a taste of the dark side. Just didn't want to leave you with that sicky sweet taste in your mouth after perusing my blog - I'm haunted and human, just like you.... maybe worse.

Pensively...
Camille