Mental Capacity

I feel like my brain cells are on a slow burn. I really need to pick up a book or two and read again. I think I am just wasting away mentally. I'm under a bit of stress but other than that and the pregnancy, I'm not sure to what I should attribute my decline in brain activity. I think I'm just tired. Not in the sense that I need to take a nap, in the sense that life has been hard for the past 15 years and now I'm tired. I'm not balling up all of my experiences just to categorize them all as "hard" - just the Cliff Notes would read "life was hard". Waaaah. I make myself sick when I sound all whiney and "poor-me-ish". But the fact of the matter is... I'm tired. There are many, many people out there with "harder" lives than I have had.

So, I'm in a rut. I'm sick all day every day.

I'm apparently doing nothing for Bart at all anymore (besides annoying the living crap out of him). I think this is going to be a tough pregnancy. I never really did have to think about someone else's feelings when I was pregnant before - all I had to do was take care of myself. There was no one there to irritate except myself and I was too sick to care. I thought it would be easier with an actual husband there but what I'm finding is that it is challenging BECAUSE now I am sick AND I feel bad for being sick and feel bad that things make me sick and feel bad that I just want to lie around and feel bad that I'm not interested in sex much (hey wonder if that's because it feels like someone is standing on my boobs all day long with combat boots or maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll actually vomit during sex or worse and wouldn't that be nice?) let alone I'm just scared because Bart is well-endowed and banging the crap out of my cervix is kind of a scary concept for me right now. Don't think that an orgasm is worth losing a baby over. He really tries to be gentle but things in there just feel different right now plus I'm not exactly at my pinnacle of feeling sexy these days.

DON'T GET ME WRONG - I WOULD NEVER PREFER BEING ALONE TO BEING WITH MY FAVORITE PIRATE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I love him and I just have to try to be more considerate of him all the while needing to vomit, growing a baby, stretching to 3 times my size, etc.

I love Bart with all of my heart. I didn't think I would have to get HIM through this pregnancy as much as I thought he would get ME through it. And I'm sure he will be the one to get me through it. I'm just confused. Not that he hasn't been mostly great - he has - but we're only at the beginning of this thing and I distinctly get the impression that he is "over" this whole not feeling well thing I've got going on. This is not even the 1/2 of it and I don't know how to tell him that I need his support more than I need air.

I have to figure out a way to be more understanding of where he's coming from too. I don't even know where to start (because why? because I feel like twice-baked garbage and really am presently concerned with keeping those saltines down that I ate a few minutes ago and staying awake at my desk until 6pm). But, I digress, I must figure out a way to be attentive to his needs while also being vomitously ill and completely exhausted from growing a kid.

Ok, chalk this post up to mood swing # 132 of this pregnancy. I love my Bart. I love my baby. I love my other babies. This too shall pass.

Sigh.