When you drop the ball... Pick it up.

Profound isn't it? Okay, maybe not so profound...

I'm back in school starting in the Fall. I took a hiatus for the past 6 months. Wish I hadn't, but it is what it is. I'll be taking Astronomy and Compensation and Benefits Management. Quite the combination isn't it?

Bart accepted a perm position in Las Colinas. The money is less since he will no longer get the premium rates of being a contractor however, at least he won't have to worry about getting a new assignment every 3-6 months and we will have better and more affordable benefits. Don't get me started on the shortcomings of our healthcare system...

Anyways, that's all the news for now.

Just some random thoughts...

Random Thought 1:

I read an article that got me to thinking about the various ways in which love is demonstrated. Sometimes it's so obvious, a marriage, a commitment, the better and worse thing, spending time together, affectionate displays. This is the love that I'm fortunate to have with Bart.

But sometimes it's contradictory. It's a pulling back, it's staying out of the way, clearing the way for the other person to make choices free of the burden of your love. Still, it's love. There aren't a lot of feelings that can be demonstrated in diametrically opposed ways and yet be the same exact emotion. At least I can't think of many.

When I was at my Grandpa's funeral - the women of the family were talking about it too. We were also talking about what we would do if we lost our spouse - to death or otherwise, and what we would want them to do.

I told Bart - I would want him to remarry if he wanted that. I, however, don't think I would ever marry again. It almost falls into the category of been there, done that. I love Bart - we've been through it all. I hope we grow old together and are happy. If that can't happen then I just want to live life on my own terms. I know he'd understand that too.

I have so many things I want to do. Preferably, by the grace of God, with Bart. If not, then I'll do them alone.

Here is what is on the very top of my list of things I will have to get done before I die...

I won't dance - I'll slowly spin around with my arms extended - inhaling and exhaling - and smiling....

check it out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY


Random Thought 2:

When my youngest daughter starts Kindergarten, I will have a child at 3 different campuses. One in Elementary, one in middle, and one in high school - stellar planning on my part!

Random Thought 3:

My husband, Morgan, and I stayed up late last night watching 80's videos. It was awesome. I have never been one to have celebrity crushes... well, except for BILLY IDOL (ok, and Brendan Frasier but that's different). Oh man. Anyways, it was fun to sit up and watch all those videos and Morgan even said she understood my crush. Nice not to be weird for a moment in the eyes of your teenager.

Miscellaneous nothing...

Ever felt so many things in such rapid succession that there is no good way to describe it in writing or otherwise? That's me right now. I wouldn't even know where to start. I wish I felt more stable right now. I'm sick of even trying to think about it really.

We are leaving tomorrow to go see Bart's mom. She had a kidney transplant a couple of years ago. Then had a knee replacement a couple of months ago. She has had terrible infections from it and is in the hospital again, having had the knee removed to attempt to clear the infection. It is looking promising now but earlier in the week it seemed that amputation may be a real concern. So, we're being hopeful. Apart from being tragic, it would also be just plain odd. Bart's dad was a double amputee due to injuries he received in Vietnam. He passed away in 2001. Anyways, we're hoping for a full recovery for his mom.

Other stuff:

Tuesday I finished reading Leap of Faith: Memoirs of an Unexpected Life by Queen Noor. It was a great book that I would recommend. It was interesting seeing historical events through her eyes.

Yesterday I also finished Three Weeks with my Brother by Nicholas Sparks which was really good. You just never think about the challenges other people have faced in their lives. It is an autobiography that details out the great losses he has experienced in combination with the good things that have happened in his life. It was a good read.

Now I've started reading Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. Looks like a slower read but it's not very long. Hope to get that read by tomorrow.

I also found a cool website that I like this past week. It is www.wowOwow.com. Some really great topics for women with some really great comments. I'm enjoying reading through it.

Rest In Peace Grandpa Eddie

My Grandpa died on Father's Day. Two weeks short of a fabulous bash, a reunion of sorts, that our far-reaching family was throwing him in honor of his 90th birthday. I didn't get to him in time. For that I am sure I will always feel regret. His service was held at a small Hebrew Cemetery in Charlotte, NC.

My father had surgery the day before the service and it is crushing to him and to all of us that he was unable to attend. I stood in his stead and spoke on his behalf and as a final act of mitzvah grudgingly shoveled the dirt on his casket after it was lowered into the ground.

I placed a rock on my Grandma's headstone while I was there - she passed too soon in 1996. I also was able to visit the graves of my great grandma and great grandpa.

So, we did have our family reunion after all, sooner than expected and far sadder an occasion.

I love you Grandpa. I'm sorry I didn't make it to you earlier. Thank you for the dream. I heard you when you said "I'm fine". My hope is that you are with Grandma now and that you're not sad at all.

MIA...

It's been a long, long while since I've logged anything. This hasn't been my favorite year thus far. Too much to get into really. The best thing about this year is that my best friend is having a baby in November and we will learn the gender this next week. I'm nearly as excited about it as if it were my own baby! I just can't wait. I keep thinking boy but there's some conflicting opinions on that from her family.

My daughter Morgan has officially been promoted to high school and Jacob to 4th grade. I'm so proud of my kids. I think Morgan had 2 B's all year, the rest A's - in AP classes. Jake had 1 B all year, the rest A's. Smart kiddos. They work hard.

Morgan has a busy social life now. Far busier than my own and this year has marked the turn to competing for her time due to her endless phoning and texting. Still no boyfriends as such. So far, so good.

Bart is still working contract. After telling him last week that he had until June 30th to find another job because they were cutting all their contractors - the CIO called him in to tell him that they wanted to take him on perm now. We'll see.

Bart is dealing with a lot of stress these past few months and it has taken it's toll on him and on us. He is doing a fair amount of self-medicating in the form of beer. After being alarmed, I think I've decided just to let him ride this out without my adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to try anyways.

Grrr....

Anyways, I've been in a funk. I don't know how else to describe it. Trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps again and move on. I just feel a little lost I think. Not worth talking about - no point. Oh well, screw it.

On to today. I'm going to get out of here to go to Jake's baseball tournament - they have made it to the second round.

More later.

It's raining, it's pouring...

Well, it's been proven again that yes, when it rains, it pours.

This week I:

1. Anxiously awaited bloodwork for Jake
2. Learned that Bart will be losing his job the end of next month
3. Took Francesca to the doctor - she has an ear infection and chest cold
4. Had shingles blown off of our roof
5. Faced the hospitalization and surgery to remove an infected, fused gall bladder from my dad
6. Pulled something in my back while picking up 2 weeks worth of recycling out of the field behind my house from our recycling bin blowing over on Tuesday

Now... the good news is as follows:

1. Jake's bloodwork is good - just a tad anemic - quite frankly this news made all the other "bad things" just lose their sting. We're very happy.
2. Bart has had one offer and hopefully will get a second today with at least 10 other jobs being presented to him as well
3. Francesca is on antibiotics but she's still not a happy camper
4. There's nothing good about the stupid shingles
5. My dad came through the surgery okay but will still take a while to recover - has a drain still due to all the infection
6. Back is getting better

Ah yes, fun times around here.

I believe it will all work out just fine.

Camille

A Place I Want to See: Białowieża Primeval Forest in Poland

I am currently reading Alan Weisman's The World Without Us. It is a writing about what would become of the world we leave behind should we cease to exist. I find it very interesting. In one chapter Weisman describes the Bialowieza Primeval Forest. I was captivated. So, it's been added to my "places I want to go before I die" list. Anyone up for a trip to Poland? Anyone have some cash? (Image from http://againess.wikidot.com/xoo )

A little less me, I'm old, etc.

Well, I'm down 3.4 lbs from last week. It's a start!

Morgan is in Vail and I'm happy to report is neither frostbitten nor broken after braving the slopes (including some black slopes) after 2 days. Today is her last day on the slopes and then she will fly home on Sunday. Will be so glad to have her back. With temps being as low as -14 up there this week, I was more than worried.

I got a letter in the mail from her future high school regarding the registration/schedule card and parent info night coming up next month. Man. My child is going into high school. MY child is going into high school. I have a kid that will be in high school. Are you hearing me? I'm not coping well.

Stacia and I got to hang out Thursday. I was so happy to get her for about 8 hours. Yay! As her blog indicated, we have lots of cool things to discuss these days. It was nice to get my "fix". Hopefully she'll post a new pic of us soon.

Just a little motivational snack...

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."- John Wooden

"Everyone who got to where they are had to begin where they were." - Richard Paul Evans

Productive

So I still haven't made it to the gym. Imagine that. Maybe next week. I did however, get a lot done so far this week. I hung a cabinet in the water (toilet) closet. Did it the right way with power tools, level, anchors, etc. Very impressive. Also patched up the dings and dents in the walls and have painted many of them. Put a glaze over the paint in a niche in the stairwell wall. Decided to try same glaze on the scratched up stair railing. Did the trick. Did about 6 loads of laundry, cleaned the play room (aka the un-dining room). Deep cleaned Francesca's room. Guess that's it so far.

Well, I'm off to start dinner. Thinking I'll make a rosemary garlic pork roast, sweet potatoes, and asparagus.

Tummy growling...
Camille

Fat Arse

Well, okay, maybe not totally. But dang.... didn't know how much damage I did over the holidays until I went and weighed in today at WW. First time I have had to pay in years. I am 3.6 lbs over my goal weight. Doesn't sound bad right? Except my goal weight is 7 lbs over my IDEAL weight. Which means I have 10.6 lbs to lose. Sigh. So, today I'm going to get serious about it. I've been eating pretty well but have yet to actually do any exercise at all. We just joined our new fancy shmancy rec center and I have no excuse. Actually, I have dozens of excuses, just no good ones. Here they are:

I have nothing to wear
I need new tennis shoes
I don't know how easy it will be to make a reservation for Francesca's childcare
I don't know if I will be able to get a reservation for her during the classes I am interested in doing
I have never done water aerobics but would like to
I don't know what class to take

See, they all stink don't they? Anyways, I don't have Francesca on Mondays so I will
go on Monday first and then make a reservation for her while I'm there for Wednesday.

Today at WW I saw a dear friend of mine, MG, from my career days. We've lost touch this past year. It was hilarious. We walked out to my car because I had to return a baking dish to LO, another friend of mine. MG says "oh my God, are you ok? you're driving a minivan and returning a baking dish. want to go to a bar and have a drink?" Ha!

Not that we really did the bar thing before but she sure knows that I was not any kind of domestic before - I was all business. So, I suppose I am a different evolution of myself now. Sigh. But you know, I'm actually kind of proud of that.

Well, I'm off to the store to buy some healthy crap.

Camille

Lookie what I got for Christmas!

Look at me and my great big hug.... This beautiful hug, I mean afghan, was made for me by Stacia. Can you believe how talented she is? This was the best Christmas present! Thank you Stac! I love you and I love my blanket!!! This picture was taken about 5:30am on Christmas morning so if I look like death warmed over...well, who cares, just look at the blanket!

"The Present is Pregnant with the Future" - Voltaire

I love that quote. When I was pregnant with my children it was beautiful and awful and traumatic and serene. A wild chaos of emotions and change. All the expectations, dreams, fears, plans... it was amazing. I would ponder what my child would be like, what their birth would be like, what my evolved life would be like. I was never right. The children, they were always more fascinating, beautiful, funny, silly, stubborn, brilliant than I could have imagined. Every bit of my life harder but an important developmental milestone. Every turn in the road reveals another stretch that I never expected - a different view, a scary precipice, a gorgeous expanse.

So, if the present is pregnant with the future... Well, I expect more of the same. Unpredictable craziness and unbelievable wonder. I say, "Bring it on". I'm never ready and yet, ready as I will ever be.

The known factors of 2008 are as follows:

It will mark the end of middle school for Morgan and the beginning of high school
I will continue in my pursuit of my seemingly evasive degree
Jacob will finish 3rd grade and will start 4th grade
Francesca will turn 3 years old
Bart will either continue as a contractor at his current place of employment, be offered a permanent position, or will find another position
My best friend will most likely get pregnant and have her first child by birth
Bart and I will both turn 34
We will either move or not depending largely on whether the housing market improves for sellers
We will vote for and bring a new president into office

The rest is unknown. Guess we have to wait for the "birth".

A happy new year to you and yours.

Onward,
Camille

Self-Examination

Is there something wrong with me? Why is my life consistently filled with stress? As it is not in my nature to be victimized I have to assume it is me, my choices, that always bring me back here. Maybe at this point I have to learn how to relax, to take things as they come, and all the other cliches that go along with being well-balanced. But how? I'm thinking I need medication. Seriously. I am already on anti-depressants. Years of trauma (again, of my own choosing) have altered the chemicals in my head. I know I NEED the anti-depressants because I know what I am like when I quit taking them. Boy, do I spiral fast. I haven't ever taken an anti-anxiety medication but I'm thinking I NEED it too. Because baths don't work. Deep breaths don't work. Counting my blessings doesn't work. I'm just stressed out. Do I have legitimate things going on that are contributing to this stress? Sure. But I can't, or am unwilling to, change them. I am taking a break next term from classes because I have been a mess this term. The workload was ridiculous and my work is not easily accomplished with a 2 year old climbing on my head. That might help me considerably - a break. The house is in disarray because my schoolwork has literally been all consuming. Anyways, guess I'm just trying to figure myself out here.

Camille

This one is for Stacia....

Knowing you the way I do, I have a hunch you'll like this blog....

http://www.joshreads.com/

Enjoy!
Camille

Mercy, Uncle, WTF already....

My son has f-ing chicken pox. My son who was vaccinated in 1999 against chicken pox has. chicken. pox.

Yeah.

Anyways, someone send me a straight jacket via airmail.

Thanks,
Camille

Six years

I let my six year wedding anniversary pass without a post. It was on the 14th. The past year has been challenging in a whole new way. With Francesca being almost 3, well, we just have not had a lot of time to do couple things. Before my pregnancy, we had every other weekend to ourselves. It was great. Wish we had enjoyed it even more than we did. Then after I had Francesca it was all new and exciting, we were constantly entertained by her. So what if we weren't doing exciting things, we had our own excitement right here at home. As time went by, well it was a little less enthralling but hey, it was cool. Not a real big deal. This past year has been brutal. We are so completely burned out. Kids are great, love them so very much. But Lord, we need a break in a big way. Oh, for a weekend to ourselves. Anyways, Bart, let me tell you, I never thought someone could hold my interest for six years. But you, my dear, you are never, EVER boring. I love you baby. Happy six years. Here's to at least 67 more. Some day it will be just us every weekend and what will we do then?

Creative uses of webcam:

1. See if you need a haircut.

2. Act like an idiot.

3. Post pics on your blog to show your best friend that you haven't changed at all in the 20 years she has known you.

Coins, Ambulances, & Surgeons (or "What I did Friday Night")

It was 8:45 pm. I was walking from the kitchen to the bedroom and saw Francesca cough - just a small cough. She looked up and had tears in her eyes. I asked her if she was okay. She said, and I quote, "I ate money". Well folks, that left little to the imagination. I got out the jar of coins and asked her to show me which money she ate. She pointed to the quarter. So, Bart and I proceeded to the local ER with our 2 year old collector. She was x-rayed and when the doctor asked us to go down the hall to view the x-ray we were about 20 ft. away when we caught sight of that coin stuck in our daughter's esophagus. It wasn't hard to spot. Well, it happened to be turned in the exact "right" position so as to not block her airway. They had to transport her to Children's Medical Center in an ambulance. We got her there about 12:30 am. They x-rayed her again, still stuck. The surgeon had told us before he took her back that he thought it was a penny in there, I told him we thought it was a quarter. His response was, "Ah, you never get back as much as you think you're going to get." Ha! Although I couldn't fully appreciate the humor at the moment. At 3:00am they took her in for surgery. At 3:45am she was done. It was a dime folks. I'm keeping it for posterity's sake. At 4:00am she was in recovery and mad as the dickens with IV tubes sticking out everywhere. At 4:45am we were on our way home after a very, very long night. Francesca had a sore throat and swollen lips the next day and today, she is doing fine except she is still very hoarse. So, how much do you think that dime will end up costing us? I don't want to think about it. Of course, we are ever so grateful that our baby is fine. It was a long, scary night.

The month in which everything went wrong...

That was this past month. Ever since I started working. Everything went to hell. My husband and I fought all the time, Francesca was sick every single week with something new, Morgan got an attitude that was impossible to deal with, Jacob got in trouble (which never happens), We had an ill-fated short vacation, the house was a mess, we had no groceries in the house, our restaurant expenses more than doubled. In short, it was disasterous. So, Bart told me that nothing I could make monetarily at my job was worth all the stress. So, I'm home again. Back to wife, mom, and student. Things are leveling out again nicely. Whew.