Saga of Bart's Camille

Wherever I go, there I am....

2009-08-23T11:40:00.003-04:00

I have had a complicated life. I blame this on no one but myself. Now, I find myself at an intersection and I have yet another choice to make. Down one path, familiarity, deep feelings, a test of trust. Down the other path, the unknown...

So, what to do?

I don't know.

I think I will just "hold" for now and check back in later.

I went to an Al-anon meeting yesterday. A big one with a really great speaker. She spoke of always having a hole in who she was that needed filled and how she filled it with people and things that were detrimental to her own good. It sounded familiar. I, like so many others, love this kind of person. They "NEED" me. I can "HELP" them. And then, what of me? Who helps me?

It's a good question. Is there a good answer?

Just hanging on... barely.

Camille

In spite of a bad haircut....

2009-01-16T16:40:00.002-05:00

Alright. It's January. (Deep cleansing breath.)

I rejoined WW. Apparently, I got a little carried away the last part of 2008. I'm not even going to beat myself up about that. I needed something for God's sake. But, now it's time to kick my ass again. I fully intend to look fabulous by my 35th birthday. (In spite of the bad bad haircut I got a few weeks back which required fixing, which in turn means I have a lot less hair than I'd like.) So, yes, the goal is lookin' good by 35.

Also, I'm stepping out in faith here by saying the next thing. I really need to be able to say this and not have everything yanked out from under me as a result....

I'm happy. Shhhhhh....

I'm feeling pretty darn good. The house is clean (my house is ALWAYS an outward reflection of my inner state so messy house = miserable me). Bart is doing well; both in terms of his sobriety and his therapy. I've found some dear friends who were lost to me over the decades. I'm not doing something I hate. I'm making myself do things I've always intended to do but never did. I'm feeling....happy. So, universe, I expect that this should keep going this way. I don't want any hairpin turns from you. Understood?

In a new state,
Camille

Two thousand and nine

2009-01-04T14:52:00.002-05:00

I have decided to emerge from the cave. If you know me, you know what "cave mode" is. Anyways, I'm alive and I'm ready to stretch my legs and walk around a bit.

I read a quote, a not-so-very-profound quote. It read, "we are but the sum of our choices". True.

Anyone that really knows me, in addition to knowing what "cave mode" is, knows a few things about me:

1. I have things I want to do
2. If I think I may not succeed it is likely that I haven't tried to do them yet

Well, that's what I'm hoping to change, at least in some respects, this year.

As a matter of fact...

I, gulp, sent off a few stories to some kids magazines. Actually mailed them.

I expect to hear nothing. When I go a couple of more weeks and still hear nothing, I will send off some more.

Once I finally get some things published in the magazine, I will think about an actual book.

Once upon a time, no one knew who Dr. Seuss was. Not that I am thinking that far ahead, it's just true.

Thanks for letting me hibernate for a while. But thanks for letting me know that you cared. I care back.

And hey, I am so proud of you. Really.

I'll keep you "posted".

As the seconds tick away marking the close of 2008....

2008-11-14T07:31:00.006-05:00

I say "Good Riddance". I have hated 2008. One of the worst years I've lived through.

On to a new year - FAST. Let's just hope I learned some things.

I read a quote today by some blog commenter "insight is a booby-prize and character is hard-won". Oh, so true.

Brushing the dust off and moving on...

Camille

Edited to remove the superfluous cursing.

Bart, Bart, Bart... What am I gonna do with the boy?

2008-07-14T16:20:00.003-04:00

Time is an investment. Commitment is a sacrifice. Those are facts. Let me do a quick recap of Bart and of our entirety. Dramatic. Is that brief enough? Not in the sense of drama-queen type drama. More in the sense of "The Perfect Storm" type drama.

We came together at a time where I had no business being with him, much less falling in love. I was married. To a man that had been incarcerated for 4 years. Ugh. I told Bart on our first date and he didn't run away. Told him that I had two children. Still, he didn't run. Hmmm, interesting.

Clearly, my first marriage was doomed. Even so, I'd be remiss to say that I did not care about my first husband and his feelings. It deeply disturbed me to have to divorce him, even under those circumstances - or especially under those circumstances - either way. However, the wound there was too deep to suture and we simply bled to death.

So, back to Bart. Bart had a troubled childhood. That is a story for him to tell. He then escaped from family, etc. when he joined the Navy. He did sailor things and lived a sailor's life. He did fall for one woman in a serious way but he was too immature for a commitment and he ended up leaving her very abruptly. After 5+ years in the Navy things didn't work out for him the way he wanted in the Navy and the relationship being over, he seemed to be back to zero.

He went to his mom's home and drank a 12 pack nightly for six months. Didn't know what direction to go and didn't like where he was. He moved away to go to school. Good move. Made next to nothing and lived like an animal. Got a break working at a job that taught him some good marketable skills but it paid him a pittance.

He had visions of a better life. In a better place. Wanted to be a player. Guy stuff, you know? Found a job here and moved to Dallas - that was about 2 or 3 months before I met Bart at a club. Then his dad died. Hard for anyone. Harder perhaps when you had a childhood such as Bart's. Anyways, with me came the death of the dream of being a player.

That's where I come into the picture in a big way. I am not much of an animal lover but show me a wounded human, and I'm all over that. So, I wanted to be there for him and I was. Then things got worse. Again, that's his story to tell. A personal tragedy. All I thought of was what if I was going through what he was going through? I knew I would need someone to lean on in a big way.

All the while, he gave back to me too. Lavished me with affection, attention. Bart is honest to a fault and I think that is one of the best qualities that anyone can posess. He took on my life as if he just simply knew he belonged here and vice versa.

Aside from the pain of loss, the other personal trauma, etc. Bart had carry-over issues from his previous relationship that he brought with him. He was paranoid. He was angry. He was restless. He was ready to jump. He also had the carry-over issues from his childhood. When no one else believes in you, it's harder to believe in yourself. I was patient as I could be without being a doormat. Bart respected my right to be angry when he was out of line. I acknowledged the fact that I would have to be patient with him. He needed healing.

Despite all the drama and pain - I was always so totally in love with Bart. I've said many times that one of the reasons that I feel this, and only this, relationship has lasted so long is that I am never EVER bored. Both Bart and I are warriors. He will tell anyone that I use words the way that soldiers wield guns and that I do "ninja-mind-tricks". Bart doesn't have sophisticated weaponry - he gets loud and says hurtful things. But, no matter how we run from one another, we have some type of elasticity between us that snaps us back together.

There is no doubt in my mind that Bart is my great love. All that being said, the man wears me out like no other. I'm sure he would say the same of me. In fact, he has. No matter, I sometimes wonder where we will end up. If we will come upon some issue that neither of us will back off of and end up running each other off. And if that happened, then what? He'd come back. I'd want him back. It's just the way we are. I think that until God takes one of us, we will probably be sparring it out. Why? Because that's what we do. Because we've tried the calling-it-quits before and we were unbelievably, desperately miserable and knew we would figure it out somehow.

And because there are so many good things there too.

He is a wonderful provider. He has worked so hard to become that for us and I can't appreciate it any more than I do.

He is so in love with his daughter and adores the big kids who he just came along and assumed the role of, if not father, then underappreciated parental figure. He is a great father and step-father.

He does not nit-pick at me in the least. I mean never. Not at all. I have major flaws. I can't keep my house clean even if I am home all the damn time. I am not one to let the opportunity for an argument pass. I have to admit that - I'm easily baited. While I don't nag, I am vocal about how I feel he can do better. I'm sure that can be annoying. I tend to be a bit too inside myself sometimes. That's no good for either of us in the end.

The Bart that is today is nearly unrecognizable from the Bart that was 8 years ago. I've earned his trust the hard way. While he is still not one to pass up an opportunity to be angry, it's not the same as it used to be.

Anyways, when Bart and I decided to marry - I knew just ONE thing. If it wasn't going to work... it would NOT be my fault. Now I realize that it's never just one person's fault... ever. After all, you allow a person to treat or not treat you well. I have been faithful, loyal, and about 95% of the time, I feel like I'm doing the best that I can. Again, I know that Bart can say the same thing.

So, as Bart and I approach our 7th anniversary, and we're at a difficult pass, I've decided that I will just have faith in Bart and give the man the benefit of the doubt. The time he's given me so far has just about earned him that... just about :o).

What I mean is this, maybe all this new garbage is really about the work stress.... maybe. So, let's see what happens when that all goes away. I'll just have to wait to see. In any case, he's my husband. I'm his wife. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the man loves me and he knows the same of me. The future, well, no one knows that but God and He's not giving us any sneak previews.

I've decided to take care of me. It's what I've believed in all along and I honestly believe that no one should lean entirely on any one other person for their strength, their meaning, etc.

So, all that to say this - I will define me. I will be here but I will define me. And in the end, I'll be damned if this marriage falls apart on my watch. If he decides to go then God go with him but as long as he is here then I'm here too.

Who ever said love was easy? To add to that, what dumb ass gets married thinking it will all be roses and champagne and vacations and poetry and soft slow kisses? So, okay, maybe this is "the worse" part of our marriage. All we have is up from here. Right? It's a theory anyways.

Well, that was quite a diatribe. I think I formed my position as I wrote it. Cathartic.

Here's something I'm clinging to and it's a good read for all married folk too:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/behavior/2002-07-11-divorce.htm

Hanging by a thread dangling over a cliff, as it turns out, seems to be better than freefalling when you let go of same thread. Hmm... who knew?

NO WAY!! There's life outside of family?!

2008-07-13T20:23:00.002-04:00

Bart was a nice hubby today and let me go hang out with my friend Lyns for FOUR whole hours. We ate lunch, got drinks, went to see Hancock. It was so unusual but really, really great. Good therapy for the both of us tirelessly trudging mommas.

Hancock was a good movie. We enjoyed it. It had Will Smith in it and that's always a plus.

In the way of other movie reviews: Bart and I watched The Bucket List the other night. It was so great. You have to watch it. At the end, there was a song I liked too - It was John Mayer's "Say what you need to say".

That's all for now...
Camille

The question...

2008-07-13T10:29:00.000-04:00

grand love comes tied up in pretty packages
topped with bows
they have balmy meetings and dewy partings
and a giggling of happenings to link them

what then of tragic and thunderous convergences that bind two
so indelibly that there is no shaking
no parting except with a knife - surgically or in the tradition of the corner butcher
no matter, either demise will be wretched
with no numbing to be had for the begging

what then do we two have?
what?

When you drop the ball... Pick it up.

2008-07-11T16:50:00.002-04:00

Profound isn't it? Okay, maybe not so profound...

I'm back in school starting in the Fall. I took a hiatus for the past 6 months. Wish I hadn't, but it is what it is. I'll be taking Astronomy and Compensation and Benefits Management. Quite the combination isn't it?

Bart accepted a perm position in Las Colinas. The money is less since he will no longer get the premium rates of being a contractor however, at least he won't have to worry about getting a new assignment every 3-6 months and we will have better and more affordable benefits. Don't get me started on the shortcomings of our healthcare system...

Anyways, that's all the news for now.

Just some random thoughts...

2008-07-08T12:24:00.002-04:00

Random Thought 1:

I read an article that got me to thinking about the various ways in which love is demonstrated. Sometimes it's so obvious, a marriage, a commitment, the better and worse thing, spending time together, affectionate displays. This is the love that I'm fortunate to have with Bart.

But sometimes it's contradictory. It's a pulling back, it's staying out of the way, clearing the way for the other person to make choices free of the burden of your love. Still, it's love. There aren't a lot of feelings that can be demonstrated in diametrically opposed ways and yet be the same exact emotion. At least I can't think of many.

When I was at my Grandpa's funeral - the women of the family were talking about it too. We were also talking about what we would do if we lost our spouse - to death or otherwise, and what we would want them to do.

I told Bart - I would want him to remarry if he wanted that. I, however, don't think I would ever marry again. It almost falls into the category of been there, done that. I love Bart - we've been through it all. I hope we grow old together and are happy. If that can't happen then I just want to live life on my own terms. I know he'd understand that too.

I have so many things I want to do. Preferably, by the grace of God, with Bart. If not, then I'll do them alone.

Here is what is on the very top of my list of things I will have to get done before I die...

I won't dance - I'll slowly spin around with my arms extended - inhaling and exhaling - and smiling....

check it out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

Random Thought 2:

When my youngest daughter starts Kindergarten, I will have a child at 3 different campuses. One in Elementary, one in middle, and one in high school - stellar planning on my part!

Random Thought 3:

My husband, Morgan, and I stayed up late last night watching 80's videos. It was awesome. I have never been one to have celebrity crushes... well, except for BILLY IDOL (ok, and Brendan Frasier but that's different). Oh man. Anyways, it was fun to sit up and watch all those videos and Morgan even said she understood my crush. Nice not to be weird for a moment in the eyes of your teenager.

Miscellaneous nothing...

2008-07-03T08:41:00.003-04:00

Ever felt so many things in such rapid succession that there is no good way to describe it in writing or otherwise? That's me right now. I wouldn't even know where to start. I wish I felt more stable right now. I'm sick of even trying to think about it really.

We are leaving tomorrow to go see Bart's mom. She had a kidney transplant a couple of years ago. Then had a knee replacement a couple of months ago. She has had terrible infections from it and is in the hospital again, having had the knee removed to attempt to clear the infection. It is looking promising now but earlier in the week it seemed that amputation may be a real concern. So, we're being hopeful. Apart from being tragic, it would also be just plain odd. Bart's dad was a double amputee due to injuries he received in Vietnam. He passed away in 2001. Anyways, we're hoping for a full recovery for his mom.

Other stuff:

Tuesday I finished reading Leap of Faith: Memoirs of an Unexpected Life by Queen Noor. It was a great book that I would recommend. It was interesting seeing historical events through her eyes.

Yesterday I also finished Three Weeks with my Brother by Nicholas Sparks which was really good. You just never think about the challenges other people have faced in their lives. It is an autobiography that details out the great losses he has experienced in combination with the good things that have happened in his life. It was a good read.

Now I've started reading Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. Looks like a slower read but it's not very long. Hope to get that read by tomorrow.

I also found a cool website that I like this past week. It is www.wowOwow.com. Some really great topics for women with some really great comments. I'm enjoying reading through it.

Rest In Peace Grandpa Eddie

2008-06-21T16:47:00.002-04:00

My Grandpa died on Father's Day. Two weeks short of a fabulous bash, a reunion of sorts, that our far-reaching family was throwing him in honor of his 90th birthday. I didn't get to him in time. For that I am sure I will always feel regret. His service was held at a small Hebrew Cemetery in Charlotte, NC.

My father had surgery the day before the service and it is crushing to him and to all of us that he was unable to attend. I stood in his stead and spoke on his behalf and as a final act of mitzvah grudgingly shoveled the dirt on his casket after it was lowered into the ground.

I placed a rock on my Grandma's headstone while I was there - she passed too soon in 1996. I also was able to visit the graves of my great grandma and great grandpa.

So, we did have our family reunion after all, sooner than expected and far sadder an occasion.

I love you Grandpa. I'm sorry I didn't make it to you earlier. Thank you for the dream. I heard you when you said "I'm fine". My hope is that you are with Grandma now and that you're not sad at all.

MIA...

2008-06-07T14:24:00.002-04:00

It's been a long, long while since I've logged anything. This hasn't been my favorite year thus far. Too much to get into really. The best thing about this year is that my best friend is having a baby in November and we will learn the gender this next week. I'm nearly as excited about it as if it were my own baby! I just can't wait. I keep thinking boy but there's some conflicting opinions on that from her family.

My daughter Morgan has officially been promoted to high school and Jacob to 4th grade. I'm so proud of my kids. I think Morgan had 2 B's all year, the rest A's - in AP classes. Jake had 1 B all year, the rest A's. Smart kiddos. They work hard.

Morgan has a busy social life now. Far busier than my own and this year has marked the turn to competing for her time due to her endless phoning and texting. Still no boyfriends as such. So far, so good.

Bart is still working contract. After telling him last week that he had until June 30th to find another job because they were cutting all their contractors - the CIO called him in to tell him that they wanted to take him on perm now. We'll see.

Bart is dealing with a lot of stress these past few months and it has taken it's toll on him and on us. He is doing a fair amount of self-medicating in the form of beer. After being alarmed, I think I've decided just to let him ride this out without my adding more stress to the situation. I'm going to try anyways.

Grrr....

Anyways, I've been in a funk. I don't know how else to describe it. Trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps again and move on. I just feel a little lost I think. Not worth talking about - no point. Oh well, screw it.

On to today. I'm going to get out of here to go to Jake's baseball tournament - they have made it to the second round.

More later.

It's raining, it's pouring...

2008-01-31T11:15:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been proven again that yes, when it rains, it pours.

This week I:

1. Anxiously awaited bloodwork for Jake
2. Learned that Bart will be losing his job the end of next month
3. Took Francesca to the doctor - she has an ear infection and chest cold
4. Had shingles blown off of our roof
5. Faced the hospitalization and surgery to remove an infected, fused gall bladder from my dad
6. Pulled something in my back while picking up 2 weeks worth of recycling out of the field behind my house from our recycling bin blowing over on Tuesday

Now... the good news is as follows:

1. Jake's bloodwork is good - just a tad anemic - quite frankly this news made all the other "bad things" just lose their sting. We're very happy.
2. Bart has had one offer and hopefully will get a second today with at least 10 other jobs being presented to him as well
3. Francesca is on antibiotics but she's still not a happy camper
4. There's nothing good about the stupid shingles
5. My dad came through the surgery okay but will still take a while to recover - has a drain still due to all the infection
6. Back is getting better

Ah yes, fun times around here.

I believe it will all work out just fine.

Camille

A Place I Want to See: Białowieża Primeval Forest in Poland

2008-01-25T09:27:00.000-05:00

I am currently reading Alan Weisman's The World Without Us. It is a writing about what would become of the world we leave behind should we cease to exist. I find it very interesting. In one chapter Weisman describes the Bialowieza Primeval Forest. I was captivated. So, it's been added to my "places I want to go before I die" list. Anyone up for a trip to Poland? Anyone have some cash? (Image from http://againess.wikidot.com/xoo )

A little less me, I'm old, etc.

2008-01-19T13:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm down 3.4 lbs from last week. It's a start!

Morgan is in Vail and I'm happy to report is neither frostbitten nor broken after braving the slopes (including some black slopes) after 2 days. Today is her last day on the slopes and then she will fly home on Sunday. Will be so glad to have her back. With temps being as low as -14 up there this week, I was more than worried.

I got a letter in the mail from her future high school regarding the registration/schedule card and parent info night coming up next month. Man. My child is going into high school. MY child is going into high school. I have a kid that will be in high school. Are you hearing me? I'm not coping well.

Stacia and I got to hang out Thursday. I was so happy to get her for about 8 hours. Yay! As her blog indicated, we have lots of cool things to discuss these days. It was nice to get my "fix". Hopefully she'll post a new pic of us soon.

Just a little motivational snack...

2008-01-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."- John Wooden

"Everyone who got to where they are had to begin where they were." - Richard Paul Evans

Productive

2008-01-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

So I still haven't made it to the gym. Imagine that. Maybe next week. I did however, get a lot done so far this week. I hung a cabinet in the water (toilet) closet. Did it the right way with power tools, level, anchors, etc. Very impressive. Also patched up the dings and dents in the walls and have painted many of them. Put a glaze over the paint in a niche in the stairwell wall. Decided to try same glaze on the scratched up stair railing. Did the trick. Did about 6 loads of laundry, cleaned the play room (aka the un-dining room). Deep cleaned Francesca's room. Guess that's it so far.

Well, I'm off to start dinner. Thinking I'll make a rosemary garlic pork roast, sweet potatoes, and asparagus.

Tummy growling...
Camille

Fat Arse

2008-01-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

Well, okay, maybe not totally. But dang.... didn't know how much damage I did over the holidays until I went and weighed in today at WW. First time I have had to pay in years. I am 3.6 lbs over my goal weight. Doesn't sound bad right? Except my goal weight is 7 lbs over my IDEAL weight. Which means I have 10.6 lbs to lose. Sigh. So, today I'm going to get serious about it. I've been eating pretty well but have yet to actually do any exercise at all. We just joined our new fancy shmancy rec center and I have no excuse. Actually, I have dozens of excuses, just no good ones. Here they are:

I have nothing to wear
I need new tennis shoes
I don't know how easy it will be to make a reservation for Francesca's childcare
I don't know if I will be able to get a reservation for her during the classes I am interested in doing
I have never done water aerobics but would like to
I don't know what class to take

See, they all stink don't they? Anyways, I don't have Francesca on Mondays so I will
go on Monday first and then make a reservation for her while I'm there for Wednesday.

Today at WW I saw a dear friend of mine, MG, from my career days. We've lost touch this past year. It was hilarious. We walked out to my car because I had to return a baking dish to LO, another friend of mine. MG says "oh my God, are you ok? you're driving a minivan and returning a baking dish. want to go to a bar and have a drink?" Ha!

Not that we really did the bar thing before but she sure knows that I was not any kind of domestic before - I was all business. So, I suppose I am a different evolution of myself now. Sigh. But you know, I'm actually kind of proud of that.

Well, I'm off to the store to buy some healthy crap.

Camille

Lookie what I got for Christmas!

2008-01-01T11:16:00.000-05:00

Look at me and my great big hug.... This beautiful hug, I mean afghan, was made for me by Stacia. Can you believe how talented she is? This was the best Christmas present! Thank you Stac! I love you and I love my blanket!!! This picture was taken about 5:30am on Christmas morning so if I look like death warmed over...well, who cares, just look at the blanket!

"The Present is Pregnant with the Future" - Voltaire

2008-01-01T10:52:00.000-05:00

I love that quote. When I was pregnant with my children it was beautiful and awful and traumatic and serene. A wild chaos of emotions and change. All the expectations, dreams, fears, plans... it was amazing. I would ponder what my child would be like, what their birth would be like, what my evolved life would be like. I was never right. The children, they were always more fascinating, beautiful, funny, silly, stubborn, brilliant than I could have imagined. Every bit of my life harder but an important developmental milestone. Every turn in the road reveals another stretch that I never expected - a different view, a scary precipice, a gorgeous expanse.

So, if the present is pregnant with the future... Well, I expect more of the same. Unpredictable craziness and unbelievable wonder. I say, "Bring it on". I'm never ready and yet, ready as I will ever be.

The known factors of 2008 are as follows:

It will mark the end of middle school for Morgan and the beginning of high school
I will continue in my pursuit of my seemingly evasive degree
Jacob will finish 3rd grade and will start 4th grade
Francesca will turn 3 years old
Bart will either continue as a contractor at his current place of employment, be offered a permanent position, or will find another position
My best friend will most likely get pregnant and have her first child by birth
Bart and I will both turn 34
We will either move or not depending largely on whether the housing market improves for sellers
We will vote for and bring a new president into office

The rest is unknown. Guess we have to wait for the "birth".

A happy new year to you and yours.

Onward,
Camille

Self-Examination

2007-12-13T09:47:00.000-05:00

Is there something wrong with me? Why is my life consistently filled with stress? As it is not in my nature to be victimized I have to assume it is me, my choices, that always bring me back here. Maybe at this point I have to learn how to relax, to take things as they come, and all the other cliches that go along with being well-balanced. But how? I'm thinking I need medication. Seriously. I am already on anti-depressants. Years of trauma (again, of my own choosing) have altered the chemicals in my head. I know I NEED the anti-depressants because I know what I am like when I quit taking them. Boy, do I spiral fast. I haven't ever taken an anti-anxiety medication but I'm thinking I NEED it too. Because baths don't work. Deep breaths don't work. Counting my blessings doesn't work. I'm just stressed out. Do I have legitimate things going on that are contributing to this stress? Sure. But I can't, or am unwilling to, change them. I am taking a break next term from classes because I have been a mess this term. The workload was ridiculous and my work is not easily accomplished with a 2 year old climbing on my head. That might help me considerably - a break. The house is in disarray because my schoolwork has literally been all consuming. Anyways, guess I'm just trying to figure myself out here.

Camille

This one is for Stacia....

2007-11-01T10:42:00.000-04:00

Knowing you the way I do, I have a hunch you'll like this blog....

http://www.joshreads.com/

Enjoy!
Camille

Mercy, Uncle, WTF already....

2007-10-26T22:45:00.000-04:00

My son has f-ing chicken pox. My son who was vaccinated in 1999 against chicken pox has. chicken. pox.

Yeah.

Anyways, someone send me a straight jacket via airmail.

Thanks,
Camille

Six years

2007-10-26T12:13:00.001-04:00

I let my six year wedding anniversary pass without a post. It was on the 14th. The past year has been challenging in a whole new way. With Francesca being almost 3, well, we just have not had a lot of time to do couple things. Before my pregnancy, we had every other weekend to ourselves. It was great. Wish we had enjoyed it even more than we did. Then after I had Francesca it was all new and exciting, we were constantly entertained by her. So what if we weren't doing exciting things, we had our own excitement right here at home. As time went by, well it was a little less enthralling but hey, it was cool. Not a real big deal. This past year has been brutal. We are so completely burned out. Kids are great, love them so very much. But Lord, we need a break in a big way. Oh, for a weekend to ourselves. Anyways, Bart, let me tell you, I never thought someone could hold my interest for six years. But you, my dear, you are never, EVER boring. I love you baby. Happy six years. Here's to at least 67 more. Some day it will be just us every weekend and what will we do then?

Creative uses of webcam:

2007-10-25T15:55:00.000-04:00

1. See if you need a haircut.

2. Act like an idiot.

3. Post pics on your blog to show your best friend that you haven't changed at all in the 20 years she has known you.

Coins, Ambulances, & Surgeons (or "What I did Friday Night")

2007-10-22T11:06:00.000-04:00

It was 8:45 pm. I was walking from the kitchen to the bedroom and saw Francesca cough - just a small cough. She looked up and had tears in her eyes. I asked her if she was okay. She said, and I quote, "I ate money". Well folks, that left little to the imagination. I got out the jar of coins and asked her to show me which money she ate. She pointed to the quarter. So, Bart and I proceeded to the local ER with our 2 year old collector. She was x-rayed and when the doctor asked us to go down the hall to view the x-ray we were about 20 ft. away when we caught sight of that coin stuck in our daughter's esophagus. It wasn't hard to spot. Well, it happened to be turned in the exact "right" position so as to not block her airway. They had to transport her to Children's Medical Center in an ambulance. We got her there about 12:30 am. They x-rayed her again, still stuck. The surgeon had told us before he took her back that he thought it was a penny in there, I told him we thought it was a quarter. His response was, "Ah, you never get back as much as you think you're going to get." Ha! Although I couldn't fully appreciate the humor at the moment. At 3:00am they took her in for surgery. At 3:45am she was done. It was a dime folks. I'm keeping it for posterity's sake. At 4:00am she was in recovery and mad as the dickens with IV tubes sticking out everywhere. At 4:45am we were on our way home after a very, very long night. Francesca had a sore throat and swollen lips the next day and today, she is doing fine except she is still very hoarse. So, how much do you think that dime will end up costing us? I don't want to think about it. Of course, we are ever so grateful that our baby is fine. It was a long, scary night.

The month in which everything went wrong...

2007-09-22T10:35:00.001-04:00

That was this past month. Ever since I started working. Everything went to hell. My husband and I fought all the time, Francesca was sick every single week with something new, Morgan got an attitude that was impossible to deal with, Jacob got in trouble (which never happens), We had an ill-fated short vacation, the house was a mess, we had no groceries in the house, our restaurant expenses more than doubled. In short, it was disasterous. So, Bart told me that nothing I could make monetarily at my job was worth all the stress. So, I'm home again. Back to wife, mom, and student. Things are leveling out again nicely. Whew.

Too sickening to do...

2007-08-28T21:00:00.000-04:00

We couldn't do it. It was too much stress, too many red flags, just way too much, period. So, we have agreed to not even discuss it for another year. In the meantime, Francesca loves her school. Jacob and Morgan started back to school yesterday. So far, so good.

Yesterday was also Jacob's 9th birthday. That's so hard to believe that he is that old. I remember bringing home my skinny lanky precious baby boy just like it was yesterday. It was probably the hardest day of my life because I was bringing him home to raise by myself, together with his big sister. I was scared and lonely. It made me love him all the more. He was and is the sweetest boy. I couldn't have asked for more.

My classes start back up tomorrow. I'm most nervous about that. I've handled going back to work pretty well but I haven't been in classes either. I don't know how I'm going to juggle everything. Already things are slipping - the grocery shopping, the meals, the patience. Bart is already telling me that I don't HAVE to work. We shall see. I really hope to handle it all. If I can't I guess work is going to have to go, I can't and won't quit school again.

Well, I guess that's about it for now.

Camille

Buying/Building a New Home Makes me Nauseous

2007-08-12T08:49:00.000-04:00

Does everyone feel like this? The truth of the matter is that we have really outgrown our space. We NEED (not just want) more space. So, we have been looking for a home and I THINK we have decided to build.... and it scares me to the point of nausea. I have alternating periods of excitement and fear... in alarmingly close proximity. Ack. Excuse me while I go vomit. Will write more later.

Complications.

2007-08-05T09:41:00.001-04:00

So, we were dancing along through my first week of work. Everything was great. Then Saturday comes along and Francesca is inconsolable. Pulling on her ear. In pain. I lost it a little bit, okay, more than a little bit. I sobbed. One week in daycare and she already has an ear infection. Fortunately, my ped offers Saturday a.m. appts and I got her in and she is on antibiotics. Bart was strong for me. I was a puddle of mush. He, of course, is right. Our older kids did just fine and went through all of the same things. So, I'm sucking it up and plowing ahead.

The mood may never be right...

2007-08-01T06:45:00.000-04:00

Pearl S. Buck is quoted as saying, "I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

I am about to go into Day 3 of my new job. I like the people a lot. I like the opportunity. I see the potential for me to make an impact.

Francesca loves her school so far and the teachers say she is fitting in perfectly. Jacob had a little trouble with some snot-nosed little punks but I think that is getting better. Those kids just didn't know how hot under the collar that made us. You'd just have to know Jake to understand. He's so happy and nice. Anyways, we educated him in the art of ignoring and dirty looks and things are smoothing out.

Morgan is staying home during the day and she is doing well. I work so close that I come home and have lunch with her and that is great. She has started sewing some totes on the sewing machine and is doing a great job.

Today is my Daddy's birthday. He and my stepmom are packing up and heading to Mexico today. They will be staying there for 2 months and then will swing by here on their way home in October. I hope they have safe travels and that he has a happy birthday.

I guess that's about it for now.

Camille

Ummm, it's vintage....

2007-07-27T10:11:00.000-04:00

So, since I start work on Monday, I have had to go through my closet and see what is still wearable from my work wardrobe from 2.5 years ago, well, actually more like over 3 years ago since my work wardrobe for most of 2004 and the first two months of 2005 consisted of maternity clothes.

So, I found a couple of things in my closet that I've had FOREVER.

A GAP red long sleeve t-shirt that I've had since I was 14.
A t-shirt from a walk-a-thon I did when I was 15.
A dress I wore to a company party when I was 23.

I wondered what are the oldest items of clothing still in your closet?

What's the most useless thing you have in your closet that you will probably never, ever wear?

Mine is a pair of black cowboy boots that a guy bought me on our first date so he could take me to a country bar. I don't really do the cowboy boot thing (or the country bar thing). I wore them one other time for a western themed night at a conference I went to in Scottsdale, AZ. I keep them just in case I have another need for for western night attire.

Going back in the closet...
Camille

Bad day to go to the zoo.

2007-07-25T16:38:00.000-04:00

Today is my last full weekday with the kids so I wanted to do something special with them. So, I packed them up to go to the Dallas Zoo. Off I-35. In Dallas. At 9:40-ish am. You guys read CNN.com much? So, that's about the time some gas plant decided to explode. Yeah. I was actually on the Dallas North Tollway when it happened and commented to my son that it didn't look good. Well, the exit to I-35 was blocked off but I didn't know what had happened and thought I could get on somewhere else. So I took some back streets and ended up on Industrial. Yeah. The street the stinking plant is on. Ended up at Commerce and Industrial with an excellent view of the whole thing. Sheesh. A couple hours later we ended up back home playing in the inflatable swimming pool in the backyard. So much fun.

The answer to the question is....

2007-07-22T21:00:00.000-04:00

To work.

I have accepted a position that is ideal for me. It is only a couple of minutes from the house and the kids' schools. The hours are normal daytime hours. I think I'm as ready as I can be. I have signed the younger two kids up for daycare and I'm happy with my choice of schools. It seems like a pretty cool place.

In other news, I was accepted to Upper Iowa University. I will continue my pursuit of my BS in Human Resources Management. It will take a while but time passes regardless, right?

Well, that's all for now.

Camille

To work or not to work? That is the question.

2007-07-15T11:35:00.000-04:00

I am really quite conflicted. Part of me is very ready to return to work and the adult world. Part of me is very ready to earn money again. All of me is ready for a new house that fits us all. Very little of me is ready to have the kids in daycare again and have to make arrangements for before and after school for my oldest as well. I really don't know what to do at all. So, I'm in a quandry here. What to do? What to do?

More later,
Camille

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

2007-07-10T08:08:00.000-04:00

I know I'm behind the rest of the pack with having JUST read this book. I'm so glad I finally did. It was a sad story but it really drew you in. What I loved most about the book was the honesty of self-reflection of the main character, Amir. He never tried to make himself seem anything but what he was, with all the unpleasant, oft hidden traits so familiar to the rest of us. It was also a very interesting glimpse into Afghani culture pre-Soviet and US wars. I will be reading Hosseini's new book soon, A Thousand Splendid Suns. I hope it "grabs" me as this one did.

A little bit of nothing...

2007-07-06T18:17:00.000-04:00

I have nothing at all to say so I figured that I would say it here. I was going back over some of my previous years posts and thought about sanitizing some of them for readers that know me. I only have a couple of those kind of readers. Actually, since I quit updating, they may be my only readers. Anyways, I thought about cleaning it up a bit but then I decided against it. Why would I do that? It's hard to be transparent. I talked about that once. I can't say that this blog is an accurate depiction of who Camille really is... (anybody out there giggling about that sentence?) The point is this, I don't trust in the anonymity of the internet and that being said, can't be too open. Maybe some other blog in some future years and I will be able to do that. Maybe. There are some things that are kept very close to the vest and I can't see my way around that. But the absences - the things I don't say - they represent the greater part of who I am. I think that is why I don't update as much anymore, there is too much not to say. Nothing dramatic, my present is very ordinary I guess. Ach, now I'm being vague and cryptic. Whatever. It's not important.

Overall, I'm very happy. Bart and I are doing well. We both are suffering from the mundane monotony of it all but far better that than other drama. But we're bored. Collectively. I told him out of the blue the other day that he should make sure to never associate the way our lives are right now as something for which I am responsible. I took the opportunity to remind him that it was me that was always dragging him out of the house to go do this or that and see this or that. I hated sitting still, hated being stagnate. Well, I thought he should be reminded that I am still that person, I haven't changed.

Have you thought about that? I told my girlfriend that I haven't changed, I just get more and more surprised when I look in the mirror. I'm the same person. I think as a child, or even as a young adult (WTF am I now?), I didn't think it would work this way. But it does.

I love my children. I love my husband. I will continue to pour all of myself into this life. But let me tell you, I can't wait for an empty nest. Is that horrible? I want so much that I never had. That I denied myself. I exchanged youth for motherhood. It was a good trade but I want some of it back and dammit, it will be mine. Someday. Someday.

Still alive.

2007-06-29T16:52:00.000-04:00

I AM still among the living. I can't describe the feelings behind the past few months that have made me so absent. Just that I've been pretty absent altogether I guess. I have relied on auto pilot to get me here and I can't say I've emerged from that state completely. In major news around here, Bart has a new job, Francesca is potty trained, Morgan is a teenager, and Jacob is still Jacob...a great kid. I am changing schools, considering a return to work, and just trying to keep it all together. I guess that's about it. Anyways, I'm still breathing and I just wanted to make a note of that.

Blah, blah, blah,
Camille

Happy Birthday to You...

2007-02-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

Hey Stacia... Tomorrow it will be 33 years since you were born and I have known you more than half of your life! Wow! You're really old you know that? Me, I'm just a youngster and won't be 33 for another 10 whole days after you. We are younger today than we ever will be again though.

You are a treasure my dear. I never could have asked for a better friend than you. Boy, you sure have seen me through some stupid times, some hard times, more stupid times, even harder times.... etc. You are a wonderful woman Stacia and I am so proud to know you and to love you and to be loved by you. Happy Birthday to my very best friend, I hope that this year brings you lots of fulfillment and peace.

Love you,
Camille

6 years and counting

2007-02-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

February 3rd marked 6 years since Bart and I had our first date. Stacia can tell you what a phenomenal thing that is. Prior to Bart my relationships either lasted 3 months or 3 years. Literally. So, Bart and I have doubled the longest time I ever spent with anyone else. Bart and I have had many trials, some that seemed insurmountable but we came back, plowed through, refused to give up, and determined to make it better and you know what? We really have. Bart is not the same man that I went on that first date with. Neither am I the same woman. We have aged and matured and become more tolerant of one another all the while trying to accomodate the other as best we can. I love Bart. I really do. In addition to all the aforementioned, I have to say, he still lights my fire too. I'm a very, VERY lucky woman.

So today is Valentine's Day, a date which years ago stopped being the anniversary of my first failed marriage in my head. I'm not a failure for having married and divorced the wrong man for me. My marriage was a failure, at the fault of both of us. Anyways, I digress.

The point is this, I've learned with Bart that I CAN be successful as a wife, a damn good wife. I can be with this man and love him ferociously. So I have, and I do, and I will. I look forward to the rest of our life together.

Happy 6 years.

Busy, busy, busy...

2007-01-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

Firt of all I have to mention that I had a great day with Stacia today. It never lasts long enough but I will take what I can get! Other than that, my mom and one of my brothers came to visit the 27th through the 31st and it was wonderful seeing them. My mom's health has been poor over the years and I don't get to see her much. I hadn't seen her in 3+ years before this visit and when I last saw her it was only for lunch. It did us both a lot of good. Christmas was hectic but good and I am glad for things to return to their normal chaotic state.

Bart and I fell in love with a house and we put our names on the list to purchase the model - won't happen for a couple of years (hopefully) giving us the time we need to get our stuff in order to actually move in.

Well, that's all for now.

Camille

Much Better...

2006-11-27T18:10:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhh.... Wellbutrin to the rescue. Am so much better now. Feeling more connected to myself now. Not disjointed. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving at home - peaceful and filling - just the way I like it. I cooked and everything turned out perfectly and I wasn't stressed cooking it. It was just a great time.

I haven't written about baby girl in a while. She is talking up a storm - saying sentences, singing. She's adorable with a healthy dose of mischief stirred in. She sings "Tinkle, tinkle stahs, chickwar bok bok so high" What a doll baby. She also sings "Moon, moon, moon, shi-ee bite". She's a genius I tell you! :o)

That's all for now.

Camille

As promised...

2006-11-16T16:49:00.000-05:00

Here it is, a happier post. It took me a while to come out of cave mode. Specifically, it took me a while, some antidepressants, a drunken night of crying, and now... well, now I feel mostly better. Mostly I say because honestly, I still feel a bit disjointed and have a weird out of body kind of feeling. I hope that doesn't sound too odd but really, I've been that way for a while now and can't seem to change it. BUT... this is the happier post right? So anyways, I'm feeling mostly better. Now I just need to get my house back in order. Stacia knows that my home is generally a pretty good indicator of my state of mind. Chaotic mind = chaotic home. When I am depressed I become paralyzed and easily overwhelmed and so I do nothing. So... like me, it is a wreck. Happy post, happy post, happy post....

I have become good friends with the girl that I watch babies with during the week and I so needed that. She is doing Weight Watchers with me now, I need to drop 6 pounds. Hate the hip fat. Uggh. It's not easy for me to make friends so this is quite the headliner in my life. But you know, we've been together at least 24 hours a week for the past 3 months and never have we gotten on each others nerves or seemed incompatible at all. So nice.

Anyways, there you have it, the positive post. Will b*tch more next time.

Camille

I'm tired.

2006-10-08T21:45:00.000-04:00

Well, as an update from the last post, the grand total so far from the sale of those books is $812. Not kidding. What a lucky find. Wish it could be like that all the time.

Bart and I will have our fifth anniversary next Saturday. I wish that it wasn't next Saturday. Why? Things are rough right now. Really rough. I don't want to get into it. I'm sure we'll get through it, we always do but I'm tired and that makes it harder you know, when you're numb.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

It sucks.

Happier post next time, I promise.

Camille

In the money...

2006-09-06T19:56:00.000-04:00

Well, a little bit of it anyways. Today I went to the local resale store and saw a whole shelf full of brand new law and business text books. Some still shrinkwrapped and all 2006 or 2007 editions. So, I picked up 8 of them and thought, "I just paid out the wazoo for MY textbooks so maybe someone will buy these from me." I paid .25 each for them. I came home and listed them on half.com and within 45 minutes, I sold 4 of them for a total of $299. Yep... sweet. So, I went back and bought 8 more. Not a bad deal huh?

Enthusiasm vs. Determination (or "Last Semester vs. This Semester")

2006-09-05T23:19:00.000-04:00

Yeah. I'm hating this semester so far. I think it's just because I started too many things at once and now I'm overwhelmed. So this is where the enthusiasm ends (wow, that was short-lived) and the determination kicks in.

I don't have a great track record when it comes to finishing things - it's something I really hate to admit. However, that black mark on my record has made me all the more determined to actually come away with a diploma someday. I will. If I hate it every damn day, I swear, I will. Hate is a strong word. Let's just say that I really, really, really, really don't want to pick up the Art History book. (Which is what I am supposed to be doing now, by the way.)

So, with much determination, I back away from the keyboard. I will write again after I read the next 2 chapters and write my papers.

Camille

Anyone have some toothpicks...

2006-09-02T00:14:00.000-04:00

with which I can prop open my eyelids? These days the theme of my life is "sheer exhaustion". Bart and I procured a new minivan... oh yes, we have entered the borg for sure. To pay for said minivan I have secured a "little" job where I take the baby with me and help out a couple of ladies with their in home daycare and preschool.

I really like it more than I thought I could and cope better than I thought I could. Good news since I recently changed my major to Education and have thus decided that working with kids will play a large role in my future. So, that being said, in addition to my college classes this semester, one online and one on campus for 2.75 hours on Thursday nights, and my "little" job, I have 16 hours of student teaching to fulfill, this in addition to everything that always has made my life chaotic in the past, none of that has gone away.

Soooooo.... I'm sleepy. Pray for me folks, that's all I can ask. I need it.

Francesca is 18 months old now and is taking to the new "little" job well and doesn't mind the little babies very much at all. Oh, her new funny thing is that she likes this one air freshner commercial and she walks around making sniffing noises and saying "nice", just like the commercial. She is a real character.

Jacob is in baseball practice now, I guess the season starts next week. Morgan is full of vinegar these days and I don't imagine that will be changing anytime soon so I need to figure out how to adapt and overcome on that front. She's looking less and less like a girl and more and more like a young woman and people are starting to notice and I just want to lock her up for the rest of her life. Uggh. God help us all. Literally.

Well, this post required most of my remaining brain juice for the day and now my forehead has a big flashing sign on it that reads "recharge battery immediately or lose all saved work", and so, I think it must be bedtime. So... very... tired...

Night night,
Camille

Back to school...

2006-08-17T14:41:00.000-04:00

Not me (yet) but the kids are back in school. So far, so good. I am starting to get back into a routine again which is just impossible with them home during the summer. As I type, Francesca is down for an afternoon nap and I have done some housework. Bart's parents are stopping in for a quick visit on their way back home - they had to come into "the city" for some doctor's appointments today.

Monday I started going to the gym, Tuesday I did an hour long cardio and weights class and by Tuesday night I HURT. So, I took Wednesday and Thursday off to heal up. Tomorrow I have a free consult with a Personal Trainer to tell me what I need to do to get my squishy butt and thighs into shape.

Bart has been working really hard, not only at his job, but on some freelance stuff as well. He is banking pretty well on that freelance job as they keep adding more and more to his to-do list. The extra money will come in handy but I miss my pirate hubby.

I am meeting with a lady on Friday that needs some part time, flexible hours help with her in-home childcare. If I got that, it would bring in a little extra cash as well.

'Cesca's new word is "Pway" - for play, of course. She thinks I'm taking her to playgroup or the play area at the gym every time I load her up in the car. She can say a lot of words now... including the "Momma" I hear her saying now. She woke up from that little nap. Oh well.

Well, I guess that's about all the update I have for now.

More later...
Camille

What I'm NOT Doing...

2006-08-09T23:13:00.000-04:00

1. studying
2. writing research papers
3. reading textbooks
4. taking exams

That's because I am sooooooo done with this semester. Will get my official grades on the 14th. It's nice to be relaxing in the evening.

Kiddo updates:

Morgan got a visit from a "friend" yesterday for the first time. She's ooged out for sure but not surprised and I.... well, I'm old.

Francesca got her little chubby sausage leg stuck between the rails on her crib yesterday and I had to grease her down with baby oil and pry apart the wooden bars with my super human mommy strength to get it out. Poor little pumpkin was in hysterics. Nice big bruise there now but she is ok.

Jake starts baseball for the first time. His first practice is on Saturday... at 12:30... for 2 hours... the temps are over 100 here now. I just can't even wait.

Lastly....

4 more days until school starts!!!

Camille

Too Much Drama for this Momma...

2006-08-07T23:10:00.000-04:00

Things since Thursday have been a whirlwind. Remember the surgery Jake's dad had? It was a good thing that he had those problems with the anesthesia because they admitted him for observation. By the time I saw him on Friday his eyes were rolling back in his head and he was on oxygen and an IV, when I saw him on Saturday, he had no color at all. They finally did a CT scan and showed internal bleeding - they had to give him 6 units of blood - which brought his blood level up to 9 - supposed to be 13 I believe. His doctor made me the contact person as Jake's dad had nodded his consent to that and so I was fielding calls from the doctor, I had to contact his family to tell them what was going on and to tell them to get up here to take care of him because he was scared and alone and completely unable to do anything for himself and ... ummm... that's just not my position with him anymore. So, they finally did arrive on Saturday night. He will probably be released tomorrow if all continues to go well. What a fiasco.

Bart is down to 229 and looks DAMN good, if I do say so myself. Guess it's time to get my size 4/6 but squishy backside back in the gym - gonna need to be strong to walk around behind him swinging a big baseball bat to keep all the girls away. Seriously though, he is looking and feeling great and I'm very proud of him for taking care of himself like this.

I submitted my final research paper tonight for Philosophy. All I have left is my Final Exam that I have to take by Thursday and my first semester back in college will be done! One down, a jillion to go.

Finally.... ONLY 6 MORE DAYS UNTIL THE KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL.... What I won't miss.... "Mom, I'm bored."

Later,
Camille

Carb loading and other dubious signs....

2006-08-03T23:43:00.000-04:00

Hey folks! It wasn't the studying that was making me consume chocolate. Any guesses? That would also explaing the impulsive french bread purchase and the meals consisting of cinnamon toast. So.... that would make today day number 2 which is always, ALWAYS, the day from hell as far as cramps. Come on menopause - I'm ready to be done with this "friend"... hey another "friend" that (say it with me).... SUCKS.

In other, and certainly more important news, Jake's dad had what was supposed to be outpatient surgery today for kidney stones and ended up not breathing on the table and vomiting while under anesthesia. I think he's alright now, we talked with him, but it was scary for him for sure. They admitted him and are observing him. He told me today that he thinks he is moving to Austin. Much of what he says is going to happen doesn't end up happening so we will see but it raised some questions for sure. He says that "when" he moves he will still come up and get Jake the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. That's my worry though, that he won't. Would break Jake's heart which, in turn, would break mine.

Francesca was cantankerous today. Consistently. After I got her out of the bathtub tonight I dissolved in tears (see paragraph 1) and Bart took her and put her to bed so I could compose myself before starting in on another late night of studies and exams.

Well, more tomorrow.

Camille

Stuffing envelopes and stuffing face...

2006-08-02T21:24:00.000-04:00

This morning I went up to Morgan's school to assemble and stuff 900 orientation packets. That was about 2.5 hours of monotony but I really didn't mind. At least there was some adult conversation. The stuffing face part comes into play right about..... now. I have to get started on my research paper, write another paper on Wittgenstein, and then prepare for my Computer Final. So, of course, I must have chocolate.

On a final note, don't you LOVE it when you are so looking forward to that much needed cup of coffee and you scald your entire mouth with the first sip then rendering the remaining coffee (and chocolate - d*&# it all!) tasteless? Oh, I do so love that. It's almost even better when you do it with pizza.

I'm off to do my due diligence. Send me study vibes.

Camille

Reach out and touch someone...

2006-08-02T01:09:00.000-04:00

In light of my "people suck" revelation, I am either:

A. Attempting to prove myself wrong

or

B. Attempting to defend my position.

I have done two things in the past two days to research my position:

1. I posted to a local community board about the difficulties of making new friends as you age, come to find out, there are a lot of people feeling the way I do - so I am arranging a couple of get togethers to see if any of us want to feel that way in the company of each other!

2. Tonight, while in a mandatory chat with my classmates, a lady and I "stayed over" to continue to chat. She has only been in the country since last June and she hasn't made many friends since she is 34 and she doesn't have much in common with the youngsters with whom we go to college. So, I stepped outside of my comfort zone again and proposed we have coffee and she proposed we go walking and we swapped phone numbers.

I'm kind of proud of myself.

In other news, big huge HUGS to my un-sucky friend Stacia. I'm holding you, even in absentia, dear. It's going to be okay soon.

Wife, Mother, Plumber

2006-08-01T01:06:00.000-04:00

Today I accomplished a few things

1. Fixed the toilet - I went and bought the new parts but somehow one part was not going to fit so I did what anyone else would have done.... I got out the hacksaw. I sawed off part of the metal arm and voila! the part fit, the toilet works, the husband is happy.

2. I finished another Philosophy paper - I chose to write about Nietzsche's theory of duality relating to Dionysus and Apollo. I used the book "The Secret History" by Donna Tartt (a must read, by the way) as my example.

3. I made a chicken pot-pie (diatetic, of course) from scratch. Not bad but will someone please tell me how to make chicken that isn't chewy? (Other than in the crockpot - even I can do that!)

4. I got the kids to help clean up a bit and endured the whining that enevitably preluded that miraculous event.

5. I finished off a bottle of Chardonnay. (Relax, there was only a glass left. Okay, a glass and a half. Wait, how much is a 'glass' anyways?)

Is anybody reading this blog anymore? Say "hi" if you're still around.

Plan B - Part II

2006-07-31T13:04:00.000-04:00

I think this would be a great thing and I'm so glad the FDA sees the benefit in it.

My boy came home!

2006-07-29T23:59:00.000-04:00

Jake was gone for about 2.5 weeks and that was FAR, FAR too long. His dad brought him home today and we ran up the sidewalk towards one another and I scooped him up in an enormous bear hug and refused to put him down. Wow, have I missed that boy. Francesca was so happy to see him - she has been very confused - walking around saying sadly "Bubba, Bubba, ee-ee-oooo" which, of course, means "where are you?". It was a rough couple of weeks. True to form, Morgan and Jake were fighting again within 2 hours. Ay-yai-yai. I did NOT miss that. School starts back for the kids on August 14th and frankly, I just can't wait.

I am nervous about MY fall semester though - I'll be taking Spanish I and Business. The business shouldn't be overly challenging but that Spanish class makes me nervous. Surely I can learn a second language, right? I've just never tried.

As a follow up to my last 2 posts - people suck.

In other news, I'm hoping to join a Moms of Preschoolers group if they have room for another baby Francesca's age. She has GOT to learn to relax around other people. She hates the nursery at church and we invariably have to get her out at some point. That and I would really like to meet some other moms and see if I can find one who might just not SUCK.

Stacia, please come home now. This whole doctorate in Wisconsin thing/travel to Russia thing/married in Virginia thing is getting old. Let's have a slumber party and talk until neither of us make sense anymore and make ourselves sick on brownie batter. Let's be 14 again. In other words... missing you kiddo.

Supposed to be writing a paper for Philosophy right now...
Camille

More thoughts on being a "bad" friend....

2006-07-29T01:18:00.000-04:00

Those that know me know that I am nurturing up to the point where it becomes enabling and then, I'm just not nurturing anymore. I thought more about the email that I sent to my friend and although it was harsh, it was evidently out of concern and care and love. I was concerned with it's abrasiveness enough to address it to her before she had a chance to bring it to my attention and I think that just shows MORE evidence of the nature of the message. I received a one word reply from her stating "forgiven". Okay, that is great. But if all I get now is one word replies and if she won't talk with me any more... what is the point?

I actually feel that now this is her test. I was not as sensitive as I should have been. I asked her to forgive me. If I am not allowed one screw up - well, I guess that eliminates the possibility that this ever was a friendship.

Thank God for Stacia. We love each other warts and all (figuratively of course - both of us are too gorgeous and divine to have ACTUAL warts) and I don't know what I would ever do without her. We have done our share of pissing each other off and yet, I would fight all forces to keep her.

Making new friends is exponentially harder after high school. What are your theories on that? I have some, but I'd like to hear others.

Glad I have ONE friend...

Camille

The bad friend dusts off the treadmill...

2006-07-27T18:49:00.000-04:00

I got the treadmill into operational status again today. Just ran/walked a mile. Will try to increase that next week. Really, something must be done about my a**. It is too big and not perky enough. Would like to whip my abs in shape too.

In other news, I am sad because I pissed off a friend of mine. She has some serious health problems and usually I know how to be sympathetic - this time, I screwed up. I gave her the "suck it up" speech. She ALWAYS sucks it up. It was not what she needed to hear. Hopefully I get brownie points for throwing myself under the bus before she had a chance to do so and she'll forgive me. If not... well, that would just suck.

I'm off to nurse a glass of wine and fix some dinner.

A bit anxiously,
Camille

Did it.

2006-07-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

I did figure out a relevant example from my last post. I finally came up with the scene from "O Brother, Where Art Thou" (a great movie, by the way)where Pete was supposed to have been turned into a toad. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go rent the movie. "We thought you was a toad." Anyways, it was a good example.

I also did a detailed analysis on the Theory of Beauty according to Plotinus and I was so thrilled to get my professor's comments - he said (and I quote)

- very nice, substantial, and well structured thesis – perfect!
- great content
- great structure
- if you do not have any objections, I’d like to use it as a sample outline for future classes

Yay, I did a good job!!

Well, no sense basking in that too long - I have 3 chapters to read tonight, 2 quizzes to take, and another paper to write.

In other news, Bart has now lost 20.6 pounds. He is doing so well. Or, rather, I am doing so well at feeding him healthy foods and he is doing well not sabotaging it. I'm proud of him.

Jake is down in Beaumont visiting his dad's family - this is day #13 and it has been TOO LONG. I miss my boy. He is so precious. He is a very good boy - so polite and well behaved and funny and just tender hearted. I can't wait for him to come home. We all miss him a lot.

Morgan is beginning her scuba diving courses this weekend to obtain her certification. She is both nervous and excited. (So am I for that matter.)

'Cesca is a little imp. Such a cutie and so bright. She is just a little chatterbox now and she parrots much of what we say.

I'm blessed with beautiful, healthy, well-balanced kids. God willing, that's just how they will stay.

Well, I have to hit the books again.

Until later,
Camille

HELP ME!!

2006-07-20T23:19:00.000-04:00

For hours today I have been trying to write my damn philosophy paper. Someone please give me a modern example from a movie or tv where one thing seems to cause another but in reality, it is simply coincidence. For instance, I cough and the light fixture falls down. My cough didn't make the light fixture fall, it fell because someone didn't install it properly. You get the gist. Good Lord, someone please help me because I am obviously brain dead to this right now. I am backing away slowly from the philosophy book and will now go and take my BCIS exam.

Prying fingernails from Philosophy book,
Camille

Don't count me out yet!

2006-07-19T00:07:00.000-04:00

I've been neglecting my blog lately. I guess it just hasn't been a priority lately. I need to get back in the habit of posting though as it helps me focus a bit. I guess it kind of got lost in the shuffle that my life has become this summer. Summer is hectic anyways, even when I was working it was that way. Now that I stay at home, this is my second summer to do so, you can quadruple the chaos. Add to that the fact that I have started college again after... oh, a 12 year hiatus, you can pretty much say that I am just figuring out new ways to stay afloat. I have a big glass of wine while cooking dinner and then I stay up late with a pot of coffee doing my schoolwork. Don't get me wrong, I am loving this so much. I'm so glad that these are the things that I have to stress me out now. In other news, Bart decided he had enough of getting chunkier and decided to try out Weight Watchers (loosely - I just feed him based on WW and track points, etc.). He has lost 13 punds in 2 weeks. Sickening how guys can do that isn't it? When Bart and I met, talk about a physical attraction. My mouth literally watered and I couldn't speak (believe me that's rare). If Stacia hadn't gone and brought him to me to dance with... well, where would I be today? Thanks Stacia. Anyways, you know how you get nice and cozy in a relationship and um.... eat? Well, we did and we both changed. Me primarily because of this last pregnancy although I have had a few up and down weight swings of my own - usually 8-10 lbs one way or the other. Bart, well, see the aforementioned eating comment. Bart is prone to addiction and tends to transfer. If it's not one thing it's another and the latest thing was eating. It sure would be nice if we both could get back to looking like we did when we first met. Although, I have to say, I am truly glad that we have changed the way we did. We are a lot more secure in our relationship knowing that it was never just physical. Now if I could just motivate myself to get off my (flabby) butt and exercise. Why do I hate it so much??? Well, I've rambled enough and need to get back to my research now. I hope to update more.

Big sighs,
Camille

Plan B

2006-04-11T12:45:00.000-04:00

I went to Planned Parenthood today to pick up Plan B and I can't even tell you how grateful I am that it is so readily available. I am in absolute favor of it being OTC. I think if it were kept behind the counter with a required consult with the pharmacist, that would make sense.

It is not a primary form of birth control, but it is so nice to not have to worry needlessly about an untimely pregnancy occurring when your primary form of contraceptive fails. To me it's a miracle.

This is the second time that I have had occasion to use this. The first was about 5 or so years ago and I was going through Arizona on business the night after my hubby and I had a condom break. I called the ER as it was late and spoke to a nurse who snidely told me that they don't kill babies there. No, I'm not kidding. I went anyways and the doctor, in fact, did prescribe Plan B for me and was shocked to hear what the nurse had said. What if I had been 16? I would have been devastated by the nurses comment and probably would have done nothing. I might have then become pregnant, etc.

This time was smooth... and I am thankful.

Camille

Never make the time...

2006-03-26T15:49:00.000-05:00

I hate how I've let my blog gather dust but I just never seem to make the time. When I don't have a kiddo underfoot, I just have other things I'm doing. Where to begin... the baby has 5 teeth now and her 6th just cut through the gum. She is walking more and more but crawling is still her primary mode of travel. She says bye-bye, hi, boo (for blue), eyes, shoes, wow, yes, and most recently what sounds a lot like no. She points at everything she wants us to name or get for her. Her biggest news is that she sleeps! in her own bed! all night long! without waking up! and she is weaned completely. That means that mommy gets to start Wellbutrin again as soon as she can get insurance. The angels sing. Wellbutrin... good stuff. The hubby and I had been going through a rough spot - lots of screaming, fighting, and name calling (that one was his). I'm hoping it has all passed. Let's see... what else? Oh, I turned 32. Big whoopdeedoo. I'm old. Hate that. But hey, I'm younger than I ever will be again, right? Morgan got the part as lead diva in her school play. Jake will play a rapping weed in his. They are both duly excited and I am excited to see them do it. I am wanting to start school again. I get easily frustrated when trying to find a school that will meet my scheduling constraints and not leave us in the poorhouse to boot. What else? Guess that's about it. Exciting life I lead huh? Well, gotta run. Kid about to be underfoot again.

Camille

Baby update...

2006-02-06T17:45:00.000-05:00

Francesca got her 4th tooth in today. Her 3rd came in the 1st week of January. She stands on her own frequently now and she took her first step on February 2nd but hasn't taken another since then. She says "buh-bye", "zes" for yes, nods and shakes her head. She is a genius, that baby of ours. :o) She will be one on the 17th. Hard to believe!

We interrupt this list...

2005-12-20T12:57:00.001-05:00

I've edited this post because the original was a bit more melodramatic than necessary.

I was young and foolish once upon a time. I slept with a married man. I became angry with him when I realized he was sleeping with others and his home life was not bad as he had portrayed it. In later years, his life went down the drain - he was doing drugs, etc. I was kind of happy. I carried a lot of bitterness toward him. I just found out he hung himself. I guess death makes a grudge entirely useless. I forgive you SM. I hope you have found the peace that eluded you here. God bless your family.

Random Facts

2005-12-15T15:05:00.001-05:00

I'm going to try to see if I have 100 Random Facts about me... I thought I couldn't think of five so I decided to challenge myself.

1. I was born in Johnson City, TN.
2. I lived there until I was 10.
3. My mother and father divorced when I was one.
4. I never remember living with him.
5. My mother remained single until 2 months before we moved to Texas.
6. I have 1 older brother that is 36, twin half brother and sister that are 17, and a baby half brother that is 15.
7. My dad always had money and nice things.
8. We never did.
9. I had to work hard to forgive that.
10. I once had to wear plastic bags over my shoes because I didn't have snowboots.
11. My mother is the truest, best person I have ever met.
12. My maternal grandmother is the reason why.
13. Stacia is tied for 3rd.
14. I love Stacia more than some of my family members.
15. I remember what she wore on the first day of school. It was an olive green skirt with a tropical looking short sleeve shirt with earrings that look like bronze shields with a bronze feather looking thing hanging off of them and boots. (I bet she still has them)
16. We bonded through difficulty.
17. I wouldn't trade her for any amount of money. Literally.
18. I got my GED because I was too lazy to finish the TWO credits I had left - a language and an elective.
19. I regret that.
20. I doubt my ability to learn a language.
21. I regret not planning my pregnancies.
22. But would not trade the experience of birthing, raising, and loving my babies for anything in the world.
23. I regret compromising myself for the sake of a so-called relationship, time and time again.
24. I think I'm getting dumber every year.
25. I want to change that desperately.
26. I'm scared to death of getting fat.
27. I would do anything to prevent it.
28. I think my mom could have avoided being ill just by taking better care of herself.
29. I think my stepmom was ultimately a better match for my dad.
30. Even though he was sleeping with her when married to my mom.
31. Sometimes it seems I'm a bit more like my stepmom than my mom.
32. That's both bad and good.
33. I always wanted to stay home with my kids.
34. I finally got what I wanted.
35. Now I want more.
36. I am disappointed with myself about that.
37. I am also relieved that I feel that way.
38. I have an unshakeable faith in God.
39. And virtually no faith in the people that believe in Him.

I'll be back to finish this later.... baby is crying.

Camille

Still Alive...

2005-12-09T19:05:00.000-05:00

I was in my cave for a while. A little delayed postpartum depression or something remotely related to it. I am doing much better, having emerged from aforementioned cave. While I was in my cave, Francesca got her 2nd tooth one week after the first tooth, she learned to clap, she learned to dance, she learned to wave. She is awesome. In other cave news, Bart got a fabulous new job. He was hired to program but unfortunately hasn't been able to do much of that yet - he is concerned about that but hopefully once the dust settles, he will get to do what he was hired to do. The money is a lot better so that is nice too. We both joined a gym and I have started doing Pilates - which completely kicks my ass. A lot harder than I thought it would be! Love it though. Came out of cave just in time for holiday chaos. Yippee. Anyways, just a post to say hello.

Four years...

2005-10-14T12:54:00.000-04:00

Happy Anniversary Bart! I don't think there is much I could add to the sentiment expressed in this old email that Bart wrote to me back when we had just reached our 2nd anniversary. We've come a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way since then. Had a few really, really bad times and many beautiful times as well. Thank you for being such a wonderful father to our kids, our new precious angel included and thank you for pouring yourself, mind, body, and soul, into supporting your family. You have made this family a better entity and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you and all of the burden you have taken on yourself so that I can be home with our kids. I'll add it to the list of things I love about you.

Here is the email that Bart sent me for Anniversary # 2:

hey girl,
do you remember what it was like when you and i got married? we both lost
our jobs and we were broke. our bills piled up and we got behind on them. i
worked at (job mentioned) for 14 hours a day and didn't get paid for it. i was so
scared. then, i worked at (another job mentioned) making $9 an hour. you had to go to your
new job and work 10 hours a day. it was like whoever we were as individuals
was torn away in one swoop and we had to come together as one person to make
it through. my ego had to take a nose dive before you and i could do
anything together. working at (previously mentioned jobs) certainly took care
of that. then, i got fat. i had to figure out, with your help, that maybe
there was more to me than i thought there was before. i was a nice, loving
person. i could care about other people. i could be depended on. i could
make it through a tough situation with the use of common sense and planning
and not just on luck. i have learned to trust you more than i have ever
trusted anyone in my life. i am learning more and more everyday that there
is no ME anymore, it is US. you have helped me become a productive,
dependable, and good person.
we have come a long way since october 14, 2001. we have still, a long way to
go. i don't love money, i love you, jake and morgan. no matter how
prosperous we get, i always want to remember that. you guys are the reason i
study all night long. i want you to be able to stay home with the kids so
badly. i kind of close my mental eyes on what the odds are of me being paid
a six-figure income in the next 5 years. i just chug along like the little
engine that could and keep my hopes up.
you and i are still babies when it comes to this marriage thing. i do think
that we have our priorities straight though. i have seen couples who care
more about possessions, dirt biking, drinking, and various other things than
they do about each other. they would deny that they are like that, but if
you took away those things that they think are so important like their boat,
dirt bikes, drinking, etc, they would not know what to do with each other.
you and i could probably just rub on each other all day long and talk. we
are each other's entertainment.
i still love you so much. i love you more than i did 2 years ago. i love
your beautiful smile, your wonderful laugh, the way you wear my t-shirts,
the way your skin smells, your little perfect ears, your beautiful
earth-colored eyes, your big beautiful feet, and the way you pucker your
lips when you are looking in the mirror. you are so incredible that i cannot
fully describe you to anyone. you are my jewel.

hubby

I'm still so in love with you Bart. I'm the luckiest woman alive.

Camille

We have a tooth!!!

2005-10-10T19:41:00.000-04:00

Tooth number 1 cut through the gum on Thursday, Oct. 6th! May be time to re-evaluate breastfeeding.... ouch.

Baby Update

2005-09-29T10:29:00.000-04:00

Since I NEVER remember to write anything in a baby book, this is kind of my journal for keeping track of what Francesca is up to. She is almost 7.5 months old now and loves to eat Gerber Sweet Potato snacks - they look like cereal. She has no teeth yet but still will eat just about anything. She drinks from a sippy cup now but not the no-spill kind - I guess she likes the water to drip out a little into her mouth and in BIG news... she says Da-Da. She has also entered her clingy phase - it's "all momma all the time" around here lately. I'm also so happy because last night she slept for 4 hours in her crib! We're co-sleepers and when she sleeps with me she will sleep all night. I'm trying to break the co-sleeping thing gradually because she is a big old bed hog now. So for phase one I put her down for the night in her crib and then when she wakes up bring her to bed. Usually she sleeps for only 1 to 2 hours before she wakes up. So, this was a nice little change. Well, that's all for now!

Digital memories...

2005-09-18T22:33:00.000-04:00

I love our digital camera. The only thing I dislike about it is that I NEVER get any images printed out. I love our mini-movies on the digital camera but never go back and look at them. Well, I did that tonight. Looked back at the movies and pics from Bart's graduation, when little 'Cesca was just confirmed to be in my belly. I wasn't even showing yet to the untrained eye. Bart is so very entertaining in every movie I catch him in and it reminds me of why I love him. He's an extension of me and I love how we are so comfortable with each other. Looked at all the pics from the Phoenix trip, from Christmas time last year when my belly was oh so big, etc. My children are wonderful, all of them, Jake is crazy and sweet as sugar. Morgan is so dramatic and sincere. I adore my family. What a wonderful bunch I have. Looked at pics from the hospital, from 'Cesca's first bath. I had a wonderful waltz down memory lane. Sigh. So in love with my family right now.

Uber Bitch

2005-09-06T17:25:00.000-04:00

That's me. I am generally angry this past week and I can't figure why. It's been a long, long time since I have been so easily irritated. Have to snap myself out of it, Bart and I aren't getting along well. I can't wait for everything to be ideal or even better to start being nicer. Got to break out my Dr. Laura book again I guess. Sigh.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho...

2005-08-31T18:16:00.000-04:00

I'm hoping that the lyrics to this tune don't become a reality for me. We keep having to dip into our savings each month and I worry that I may have to go back to work. I have so enjoyed being home with the kids that I would just hate to go back at this point. I don't know how much longer we can keep operating on a deficit though. Money has become a touchy subject with me and Bart. He requires money for cigarettes and breakfast everyday. Doesn't sound like much but it adds up. We argue. I want to reduce spending - he wants me off of his back. Seems like there is only one solution in the long run. Ideally he would get a job that he has worked so hard for and this would be a non-issue. That job is proving increasingly elusive the more and more we want it. It's a bitch. I don't know how else to put it. It wouldn't be the end of the world for me to go back to work - just not what Bart and I want. Oh well.

She's Ba-ack.........

2005-08-10T23:05:00.000-04:00

My dearest friend in the world, weary world traveler Stacia, is back in the land of Cheese and thus, to the land of Blog. So glad to have her back on the same continent again.

The Secret Life of Bees

2005-08-10T12:08:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. I enjoyed the book - I mostly enjoyed the themes it entailed: strength of women and racial equality.

A blurb about this book from suemonkkidd.com:

In this New York Times bestseller, a young girl’s search for the truth about her mother leads her to three beekeeping sisters who take her into their mesmerizing world of bees and honey and of a mysterious Black Madonna. A novel about mothers and daughters and the women in our lives who become our true mothers. A story about the divine power of women and the transforming power of love.

Cat Camp

2005-08-09T21:02:00.000-04:00

That was the name of the middle school orientation that I took my eldest to today. I felt oddly stirred by the fact that she is growing up. I looked around at the company she will be keeping, sat and listened about dances, football games, and watched her as she flitted about talking to any willing audience and I know, she will be just fine. I had a "passing the torch" kind of feeling. As I got back in the car I glanced in my mirror and noticed the circles under my eyes are a little darker. The crow's feet are a little more noticeable and I am letting it sink in that there is no going back.

My baby.

Big sigh.

The Rule of Four

2005-08-05T16:28:00.000-04:00

Just finished "The Rule of Four" by Ian Caldwell & Dustin Thomason and I really, really enjoyed it. The first few chapters were a little hard to push through but then it hooked me until the end. The end may have been a little cliche - ending the way the reader would want it to end but... I'm glad anyways - now I want to read the sequel but there is no sequel.

Here's a blurb written by the publisher about my latest read:

"Princeton. Good Friday, 1999. On the eve of graduation, two students are a hairsbreadth from solving the mysteries of the Hypnerotomachia Poliphili, a Renaissance text that has baffled scholars for centuries. Famous for its hypnotic power over those who study it, the five-hundred-year-old Hypnerotomachia may finally reveal its secrets - to Tom Sullivan, whose father was obsessed with the book, and Paul Harris, whose future depends on it. As the deadline looms, research has stalled - until an ancient diary surfaces. What Tom and Paul discover inside shocks even them: proof that the location of a hidden crypt has been ciphered within the pages of the obscure Renaissance text." Armed with this final clue, the two friends delve into the bizarre world of the Hypnerotomachia - a world of forgotten erudition, strange sexual appetites, and terrible violence. But just as they begin to realize the magnitude of their discovery, Princeton's snowy campus is rocked: a longtime student of the book is murdered, shot dead in the hushed halls of the history department."

If I am missing...

2005-08-03T23:13:00.000-04:00

it would be because I am locked up in Dallas county. I received a citation for failure to pay a toll for $190.... FROM 1999!!!!! WHAT???? I'm pissed because I know EXACTLY what this is for - I had gotten a new car and didn't know I was supposed to let the NTTA know that my old tolltag was now in my new car. SO, I was charged and then I contacted NTTA and they said they took care of it. So, there is no proof, nadda. Guess they got me because how am I going to contest something that happened in 1999????? Grrrrrr....

Borgfest '05

2005-08-03T12:14:00.000-04:00

In other happy news...

Borgfest '05 has begun. This year the festival is being held at the Grand Opening of the Frisco Ikea - TODAY. I think I'll wait for the masses to clear in about a year or so before I go and partake of inexpensive Swedish meatballs AND furniture.

I'm just jealous because I have social anxiety disorder and would skitz out in the crowds. I'd be there otherwise - you know I would.

Destruction: Self and Otherwise

2005-08-02T17:02:00.000-04:00

A person that I know well who shall remain nameless in order to protect the less than innocent: well, he is destructive. Less so than before, but still destructive. Case in point is this: car wouldn't start, someone tried to talk him down from the "ledge" by stating that "these things happen", this someone then dented the roof of his car and kicked in the wheel well a bit. The "silver lining" bit having failed, the witness to all this madness turned on her heel and went back in the house to leave the destructive person to his own little rant.

Sigh.

Camille

Baby Bunnies

2005-08-01T20:04:00.000-04:00

Bart was mowing the lawn on Sunday and mowed OVER baby bunnies. He didn't notice them until he mowed over them and since their mommy was a good bunny and had dug a nice little hole for them, they are all just fine. Cute little buggers. Awfully cute. We looked up bunny baby stuff online and learned that bunny moms only come back once each night for about 5 minutes to nurse their babies. They're so cute and that kind of made me sad to think that's all the mommy love they get. Bart said that the mommy is probably off making more babies. Yep, probably.

Camille

New meaning to "Rockabye Baby"

2005-07-30T21:53:00.000-04:00

As I sit here right now, Francesca is on the bed between Bart and I and is showing off!!! She is up on her hands and knees, which she has been doing for a couple of days now but now she is rocking back and forth!!!! Show off! Very, unbelievably cute! She is just 5.5 months old - SHOULD SHE BE DOING THIS ALREADY???!!! She's a genius and is destined to be an amazing athlete - that much is obvious... and I'm not biased at all.

Center of Winter

2005-07-30T21:37:00.000-04:00

Just read "Center of Winter" by Marya Hornbacher. Was a very good read. Read it all in one day - with 3 kids running wild. Couldn't put it down.

Here's a summary I stole from another site allreaders.com...

"The Schiller family is torn apart by mental illness. The autistic-like symptoms of their son, Esau, has brought Claire and Arnold's Schiller's marriage to the breaking point and Arnold kills himself with a single bullet to the head. In the aftermath, Claire, Esau, and the youngest Schiller child, Kate, must come to terms with Arnold's suicide and learn how to piece their lives back together. Claire's best friend, Donna, is also struggling with her husband's post-Vietnam, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and its resulting depression and alcoholism. Donna's son, Davey, helps Kate to cope with the death of her father while Donna provides Claire support. When Donna's husband also comes to a mental breaking point, the two families must learn to re-define what being a normal, small-town family is really all about."
Jennifer Martin-Romme, Resident Scholar

Recommend it highly.

Marya wrote another book called Wasted: a Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia - not a novel, but an autobiography. Want to read that for sure now. "Center of Winter" was her first novel.

Asked for it...

2005-07-26T23:20:00.000-04:00

Well, Beth, I did ask for topics but didn't expect the only questions I got to send me spiraling into a self-loathing depression. Thanks so very much. I'll have to wait until Stacia gets back in town to answer the 2 questions about ambition and achievement. She'll remind me of one I'm sure.

As far as who I was in the 80's... I was a little kid. I was 6 years old in 1980 and was 15 when that decade ended. But in reality, I don't remember a lot about being a kid - just that I was not all that cool and not popular and was lonely a lot. My older brother was the most popular kid in town and I was in his shadow. When I was 11 I started being "bad" - not so much for attention but for the escape that it provided.

That's also when we moved from Tennessee to Texas and then I was marginally popular. When I was 12 or 13 I started going to a private school and met Stacia, which has turned out to be one of the very best things that has ever happened in my life.

Now the 90's were a different story. I completed the 10th grade 1990, is that right Stacia? 1989? God, I'm old. They told me I couldn't come back to that school because of my drug/alcohol use. I started 11th grade by doing home school and then continued those studies in rehab at Teen Challenge in Maui.

I met Lee at Rehab and we hated each other and then we didn't and then when rehab was over after 15 months, I came home and he came to visit, and I moved back to Maui again. Then I came back to Texas to plan our wedding and I got cold feet and called it off. I can't say it was the wrong decision but I can say that I really think it was one of the worst things I've done to another human being. When I decided that I had screwed up bad a few months later, I called and he put me in my place by telling me that he was moving to Pennsylvania. I respected him for doing that but God did it hurt. Then I got pregnant.

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my oldest and I was scared to death. The boy that I was with was self centered and chilly and I knew it wasn't going to work. He proposed to me when I was 3 months along and I said we had things to work on. We tried to make it work - rather, he tried his best to change me into who he felt I should be, when he failed and I decided I couldn't be molded anymore, our daughter was 2 years old. Concluding that relationship was the easiest thing I have ever done - I have no regrets on that front.

Then I was working at a company in my first sales job and was making really good money - I had a pretty normal existence for a little while and then I became friends with a couple of people from work - a guy and a girl. The guy was funny and nice to my daughter and easy to be with and when the girl got herself a boyfriend - our trio turned to a duo and after some resistance, we started dating. Even though he was 11 years older than me, even though he had a criminal trial pending from prior indiscretions before me. Then I got pregnant again in 1997 - my second was born in 1998. This time I was totally scared and really very disappointed in myself. He told me he wanted to do the right thing even though we were in the wrong situation and we were married. 42 days after the wedding he was incarcerated for 4.5 years. Needless to say, that marriage did not work out. The girl later accused me of sleeping with that boyfriend she got, so then, angry at the accusation and after their demise, I did. That was the 2nd worst thing I've done to a person. I lost a very good friend.

So then there were 2 kids and one mom and a big house, etc. Are you following this? I loved them so much that nothing else mattered and my job supported us well.

Then Stacia and I went clubbing in 1999. I saw this GORGEOUS guy and I couldn't speak, that guy was Bart and the rest is history - a new decade, a new century, a new millenium, a new life.

I have no original ideas right now...

2005-07-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

I need topics or something...

Help a girl out.

Please.

Now.

What are you waiting for??

Camille

THIS was my day...

2005-07-14T19:30:00.000-04:00

1. Bart took the day off of work but woke up at sparrow's fart anyways.
2. So did baby.
3. Bart woke her up.
4. Bart takes his car to dealership - is piece of crap.
5. Picked Bart up from dealership - said it won't be ready until tomorrow. (Means will be awaking at sparrow's fart again tomorrow.)
6. Came home.
7. No shower.
8. Exhausted.
9. Call from dealership. They decided we have nothing else to spend our wads of excess cash on and will then, so graciously charge us over $700.
10. Kids fighting.
11. Baby crying.
12. Headache.
13. Hairy legs.
14. That's about it.

Buh-bye.
Camille

If I die give this to the people I love...

2005-07-10T14:24:00.000-04:00

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author believed to be
David Romano

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

2005-07-09T00:05:00.000-04:00

Your Public Service Announcement for today...

The things we don't say...

2005-07-08T23:11:00.000-04:00

I keep this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I have a lousy memory and it really is nice to look back and read about how I was feeling, and what happened, and when. Secondly, I enjoy thinking that someone stumbling across my blog may find it remotely amusing. But, I must confess that it shows a picture of me that is rather 2 dimensional - and no, I don't mean literally. I mean there is a depth that is lacking in my blog that is not lacking in real life. What you see here people is a blog stripped of pain, sanitized of ugliness, and scrubbed of impurities.

The truth is, I cleanse my blog out of fear. I don't really want other people to know - not, you, my loyal readers, I don't mind letting you know, it's the people that know me in real life that just might find themselves looking at my blog. I fear transparency.

Beth and I were discussing an issue particularly close and scary in my life and I asked her to maybe write on the topic over at her place where very little seems taboo. She asked me a fair question, why I didn't broach the topic on my own little piece of turf.... it's an issue important to me and yet, I am too scared to see it in black and white in front of me.

There's a lot about me that blogland doesn't know. I was sent to rehab when I was 15 - away from all family and friends - in Hawaii. I stayed in rehab for 15 months. What no one knows is that I probably never needed it - probably could have kicked it all by myself but I wanted to be, no, needed to be, away from everyone.

I have 3 kids, by 3 different men. The man who is my son's dad went to prison 42 days after we were married and stayed there for 4.5 years. I married him because 1) I thought I could handle it and 2) I couldn't believe I was pregnant out of wedlock for the second time. I am married now to a man that I adore but we have faced the biggest obstacles, things that most never, ever have to face.

The biggest shock of all of that is that I'm a classy person from a good and decent family and am very intelligent. Somewhere along the line, I guess I decided that emotionally unavailable people were the ticket and that learning the hard way had it's merits. (I'm over that way of thinking now, btw)

Also, I NEVER have finished anything of significance that I have started. I think that's why I take mothering so seriously, I'll be damned if I screw THAT up.

So, there's a taste of the dark side. Just didn't want to leave you with that sicky sweet taste in your mouth after perusing my blog - I'm haunted and human, just like you.... maybe worse.

Pensively...
Camille

Not perpetually Father's Day...

2005-07-06T19:26:00.000-04:00

I've been a lazy ass when it comes to posting lately. Sorry. What to write about?? Hmmm.... well, let's see, Francesca had her 4.5 month checkup and she is officially enormous! She weighs 17 lbs. 2. oz. and was 26.5 inches long and that puts her in the 95 percentile for weight, length, and head circumference too! She is so adorably cute! She likes to "talk" and loud too.

Summer is wearing me thin. I love, love, love being with the kids but I wish I could keep them better occupied and also figure out a way to keep the house clean with kids in it.

I had a spot on my shoulder that magically appeared in January and thought it looked like a pic I saw in my SELF magazine article about skin cancer so I took myself to the doctor today and he said it looked to him like a hemangioma - to me that is so strange because a year and a half ago I wouldn't have known what that was but since then it has been determined that I have a cavernous hemangioma on my liver, my daughter was born with one on her right thumb, and now this one on my shoulder... seems odd to me. So, next stop dermatologist where I will ask to have it removed but the doctor told me that would be an involved process what with all the bleeding, etc. We shall see.

Bart and I had an awful fight today. Yelling hateful things, crying, etc. Stress... you know? To make matters worse, Bart has to work 3rd shift for the next 3 nights. 3rd shift nearly cost us our marriage at one point in time and I don't think we can forget that so we are entering this with some stress anyways. It's just 3 days so we will make it I'm sure.

We went to Bart's sister's house over the 4th weekend - his youngest brother was in town on leave from the Navy. It was a nice weekend for the most part.

Well, that is the gist of it. I'll try to do better about updating.

TTFN,
Camille

Happy Father's Day

2005-06-19T20:53:00.000-04:00

Happy Father's Day to Bart. This is his first as a biological daddy. What a good dad he has turned out to be. Of course, this is not a surprise to me, he has had a lot of good practice with Morgan and Jake and he is a wonderful stepdad to them. Thank you Bart for all that you do. I am repeatedly surprised and amazed by you and I thank you for working so hard to support your family. You are a good man and I am proud that you are my husband and the father to my kiddos. I love you eternally.

We had a nice weekend up in Paris, TX with Bart's mom and stepdad. We spent some time in the pool, which is the place to be in this weather, sheesh. It's been a strained relationship with them for so many reasons but things are really smoothing out for now and that is such a relief for everyone.

Morgan leaves for camp in the morning and will be gone the whole week. I wonder what age your children reach that you finally quit worrying... 30, 40, 50 perhaps. She went to this camp last year and had a blast so I'm sure she will be fine. Right? Of course she will. Won't she? Somebody stop me.

That's all for now,
Camille

If I look good in the color of baby poop - does that mean I'm a "fall"?

2005-06-15T11:47:00.000-04:00

It was a fun morning. I had to empty the deep freeze because I thought that it wasn't working. As soon as we were done the deep freeze motor kicked back in. Because of that little episode, we were late for Morgan's orthodontic appointment. While at said appointment, sweet little Francesca had a major blowout... poop all over her and all over me. We slinked our way out to the car as inconspicuously as possible and tried to clean up the mess - she cleaned up better than me. Morgan informs me that she may need braces... AGAIN. Nope, she can live with a crooked tooth for all I care. Ok, maybe on a better day I'll feel differently. So, then sweet Francesca cried all the way home and finally fell asleep in a puddle of formula because little Jake was helping to "feed" her. Sigh.

2005-06-11T20:17:00.000-04:00

...and then sometimes I feel like this...

It's me.. 4 pounds lighter

2005-06-10T13:11:00.000-04:00

So, I lost 4 pounds this past week and fit into my size 6 non-stretchy jeans. Yeah!! I still have about 16 more to go. I'll keep you posted!

This morning I took the kids over to the park and let them run wild. They were skipping rocks in the pond. I've never been able to do that! It wasn't too hot, I think the key is getting there in the morning.

On another note I was watching this program on cemetaries, etc. and in the 1800's a man patented an alarm - a bell was above ground and a rope extended into the casket. So IF A PERSON WAS BURIED ALIVE and then woke up... well, all they had to do was pull the bell. Apparently it sold pretty well as those in comas were commonly thought dead and buried. Unbelievable!

Just thought I'd share.

Camille

Gertrude Stein and I disagree...

2005-06-08T09:42:00.000-04:00

Don't know if you've noticed or not but I have added a "quote of the day" to my blog. It's randomly generated and appears each day to enrich my, and your, life. Well, I was trying to feel Gertie's sentiment but the fact is, I don't agree.

This is the quote:

It is the soothing thing about history that it does repeat itself.
- Gertrude Stein

What part of history was she longing to reappear? Think about it. So, am I missing something or is there some period of history over which I should be pining?

Maybe she meant her own personal history and not history in the grander scale.

On another note, the WW thing is getting easier, it's very much about habit forming. Once you get in the groove it's just second nature. I'll post any loss on Friday. (Can't wait to see how you did too, Juice!}

Of friends and fat...

2005-06-06T15:55:00.000-04:00

Stacia and I had a good long talk today - don't know if 37 minutes will hold me over for the next 3 months or not, but I guess it will have to do. Stacia is leaving on a jet plane tomorrow morning and will be going to Russia for the summer. Have a wonderful time dear!

And for the other portion of this post we shall discuss me losing the last, lingering 20 lbs. since Francesca's birth. Since I have zero motivation but all the depression, I found a couple of folks on the WW board that have as much to lose as I do and we are being motivation for one another. Secretly, I'm just competitive enough for this to work. Someone else lose more than me? I think not!

It used to be easier than this to eat less, but then again, I used to slave away at a job that occupied all of my resources from 6am-6pm. Guess that made it easier.

I'm about to take Jake, for those of you playing the home version that would be sweet baby #2, to his swimming lessons. He was gone for the week down at his grandma's in Beaumont and I'm so glad he's home. We made it exactly 4 minutes from the time he came in to the time he couldn't find anything to do. Oh boy, summer could be long.

Well, that's all for today...
Camille

2005-06-05T18:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like this...

"Make good choices"

2005-06-04T17:59:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about what I am teaching my children. This is something of which I am constantly aware. I spend a day sitting on my bed reading or on the computer or taking care of the baby or whatever and I wonder how that makes them feel. I don't close the door anymore, I only did that when I was hurting somehow or felt I was shielding them from hurting. Anyways, I remember when I was a child, my mom would come home from work so exhausted and she would hole up in her room and I thought it was about me. Even worse was that she would let my older brother in sometimes and they would talk. I didn't belong in there. Now I get it but then I didn't and I wonder if my kids do. I'm much better (read: healthier) than I have been and I am much more interactive than I used to be. Everyone compliments me on how I've raised my children, they are energetic, polite, happy, well adjusted, smart children. Sometimes though, sometimes I think they just came to me that way. That they have more to do with that than I do. I love them with all my heart but I guess the point of all of this is that I feel like I should always be doing more and I AM doing more now. I hope it's enough. I got to thinking about this because Bart and I were discussing what I hope to pass on to my children and I know the answer to that. It is "make good choices", above all else. He then pointed out that yes, that was important but we have to also teach them what a good choice is. Then I wondered if I have done enough of that... Well, at least it's not too late.

Camille's Best Friend and Baby # 1

2005-06-04T13:59:00.000-04:00

From Left to Right: Camille, Morgan, Stacia

2005-06-04T13:40:00.000-04:00

Me & Bart